I sure hope we kept the receipt.
Our son is adorable and all, but I swear, the kid will NOT stop crying at night. Well, he will when he's feeding (which is roughly 65 times a night) but that's not much consolation to my wife's chest.
And then there are the blowout diapers every six and a half minutes, which are a real treat. Couple that with the obstacle course of swings, diaper pails, rattles and pacifiers while trying to get him from Point A (his mother) to Point B (the closest flat surface that looks safe-ish) without waking him up after a midnight snack and you've got yourself a little something I like to call the American Dreamless.
At least he isn't drinking all the beer in the fridge.
I have to admit though, being a dad isn't exactly what I thought it would be so far.
Yes, I love my son and yes, I couldn't be more proud of him, but would it kill the little guy to mix something into the repertoire besides eating, crying and pooping?
Heck, I'd settle for grunting. Or even barking.
Everywhere I go people keep saying, "Isn't it so exciting?"
Well, I think that's what they're asking. I usually nod off midway through the word "isn't." But assuming that is, in fact, what they're asking the answer is: Um, no.
And I'm not even the one doing all the work. My poor wife hasn't slept since July.
Every night around 9 p.m. I think to myself, "I wonder if tonight will be the night little River sleeps more than two consecutive hours," but alas, that fantasy has yet to come true.
I do see signs of improvement on the horizon though. The apartment up the street just came up for rent and I think I could get a good deal on an 18-year lease.
Of course I'm only kidding. My wife and I are thrilled about the new addition to the family and eagerly look forward to all the excitement that lies ahead. Like potty training and paying for our neighbors' new bay window.
A good friend of mine once told me that everything is a phase. Try to enjoy the good ones and know that the bad ones will eventually come to pass. And that's what I'm banking on these days. No matter how rough it is right now, things have to get better.
Bryce Donovan is a features columnist for The Post and Courier. Reach him at 937-5938 or email@example.com. For more, check out his blog "The Bryce is Write" or follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.