Urinal cake

I came up with a new challenge: The urinal cake challenge. But, uh, at least try it with new ones.

Who is this tool Michael Spawn? In his preview of Kansas (Sound Bites, Nov. 28) he states he only knows two Kansas songs. How old is this guy, 20? Kansas is only the greatest American prog band ever. Man, you need to broaden your horizons or get out of the music review business.

No matter how scary global warming is, the government still can’t control the weather. But they will be glad to tax you more so they can try.

Why do they want to come here anyway? Aren’t they scared of the Orange Man, too?

Orange Man’s buddy, George Papadopoulos, is on his way to jail. Good. Lock them up.

National ranking of USC salary bill for football coaches: No. 5. Why is the team unranked?

Senator Pooty and Governor Foghorn. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Dick Harpootlian going to the Legislature to root out corruption is like Bill Clinton going to Las Vegas to root out sin.

(In a Christopher Walken voice) That s#!tty bartender at Peebles has changed my life. Love at first sight.

Rest in peace, Roy Clark. Yeah.

That guy who is doing all the construction on I-20 west toward Lexington? Wow. He deserves an Order of the Palmetto from the governor.

A big rave to the Vista and Vista Lights. It was great. But a big f#!king rant how much they probably spent on the new Columbia, SC logo. It looks like a five-year-old made it in Paint. They probably spent more than 10 grand on that. I could have done better than that. My kid could have done better than that.

I can’t be at a holiday party if I don’t have my red Solo cup.

When anthropologists somewhere a few hundred years in the future study the fossils of South Congaree, they’ll think, “Hmm, it looks like Neanderthal man wasn’t extinct, after all.”

Just because Donald Trump looks like a cat using the cat box doesn’t mean it’s a cover-up.

I see that a cop was arrested for DUI while driving to work today. Where is Live PD when you need them?

My wife accidentally got me a ladies’ T-shirt. I look like Melissa McCarthy.

When you visit South Congaree, make sure you notice the copious amounts of litter and trash all around the whole town, especially 302. It’s the definition of white trash.

FRODO FAILED. TRUMP HAS THE RING!

Has anyone else noticed that Trump’s smirky, over-exaggerated grin looks just like the Grinch?

We are all worked up over migrants from Central America. It would be a good time to review the numerous ways the USA, at taxpayer expense, has destabilized that region over the last 75 years. You think the USA is a champion of democracy? We ousted a democratically elected president of Guatemala and replaced him with a military regime when he wouldn’t do our bidding. And that’s just one morsel of the havoc we have wrought in Central America.  

Hey Skip and Shawna, do you apologize to the citizens whose cars and houses are broken into while y’all are busy making cops take silly selfies?

For Thanksgiving I ate a boiled egg and black eye peas and cucumber and cheese and fresh green beans and potatoes. It was real good and I am thankful. And cookies. Bye.

Third time I have tried this. This person must have protected status. Listening to a certain AM morning show host is going to make it easier to tolerate Uncle Bloviator at dinner this year. His show is sighing, pure opinion and tired. Three hours of sciatica and constipation. Just give me the traffic tumbleweed.

Don’t you hate it when marketing people find out your email address? Then you have to “unsubscribe” to something you never subscribed to in the first place. There should be laws protecting us from this. It is my PERSONAL email for my PERSONAL use. Not an open channel for some marketing SOB. 

They’ve got McMaster in hibernation for four more years, Wilson to rub one out on any mention of Israel, and a commie lovin’ draft dodger in the White House. What more can the Trump Chumps possibly want?

I love unicorns.

I am no longer going to purchase anything from any of your advertisers until you bring the horoscope back. I bet you won’t print this.

Just got back from Canada, where I fell and broke my toe and hurt my ankle. My friends took me to the nearest physician’s office and there was no administrative fee, no anything. No co-pay, no deductible. For all the services they provided me, the only cost was $27. So, single-payer is the way to go.

History repeats itself. Nixon was impeached. Trump will be impeached. Also, Lindsey Graham and his Republicans are a ship of fools getting ready to run aground.

Just wanted to warn people to stay away from   . Worst place in Columbia to work. Management are morons and ownership doesn’t give a damn about their employees. They are killing America. Step up, Columbia.

I liked going to the Black Friday sale after Thanksgiving. I especially liked the pre-pre-Black Friday sale.

Are Southern people the only people that eat okra?

Who else went to the fair this year and thought the food tasted like s#!t? Close the f#!king fair down if you can’t get authentic food. The corn dogs were bad and the Italian sausages were bland. The only thing that tasted good were the French fries.

How the heck did Moe Baddourah get back on the Columbia City Council?

My friend Dave flew to Australia. I bet his arms are tired. Yeah.

Hey friends, this is the Swiss Kid. I want to say that it doesn’t matter the size or breed, there is nothing that falls asleep faster than a rescue critter. It’s lights out.

President Trump pardoned two turkeys today. I’m surprised he didn’t shoot them saying they were illegal immigrants.

I went to a Black Friday sale. It started on Wednesday.

As we saw in the recent election, this is a state of racists, and the state of South Carolina is the most racist.

Trump says his gut is bigger and smarter than most people’s brains ... later when fact checked turns out he is 100 percent right on half of his claim. Surprisingly however, neither his claim or his gut size can be attributed to heavy drinking!

Full on rave for Free Times Rant and Rave! You’re back! You didn’t think anyone would notice what you did there last week [Nov. 21], but I see. You printed actual rants, not just those short, sophomoric, throwaway one-liners. Whoever edited and selected for print last week, you’re hired!

What’s up, Joe Wilson?

I just found out from reading Bloomberg that Saudi Arabia has a 25 percent interest in the startup of Uber. Well, we don’t want to piss Uber off, do we? We know what happens when you piss the Saudi Arabians off. Just saying people.

The Cameron Curmudgeon has a problem understanding why people on the lower end of the economic scale are still supporting the Republican administration. It’s obvious they hate you and want to take away your benefits.

This is a rave to the girl behind me when I forgot my wallet at the Piggly Wiggly. She bought my groceries. I was in tears. It was unbelievable. Thank you, whoever you were.

I have an honest question concerning Donald Trump: Is he sane?

This SCANA mess with the Legislature kind of reminds me of the classic rock song “Addicted to Love.” You know, the light’s on, but you’re not home.

Hey, did you call me? Barenaked Ladies are next in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and I can’t talk.

[Calls right back] So, there weren’t any bare-naked ladies in Barenaked Ladies.

American politics is a prison from which there is no escape.

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