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Quit asking me for money!

This goes out to the guy who robbed the bank with a cab: Maybe you should’ve used Uber.

A rant to any priest, pastor, rabbi or imam who fails to stand before his or her congregation or temple to publicly condemn this president, his administration, and his party for the immoral and barbaric act of seizing and separating children from their parents at our borders: Your inaction defiles your religion and desecrates your calling to serve God/Allah.

When a Kentucky court clerk refuses to obey the law, we’re told religious morality is more important than the law. When we take immigrant children away from their parents and hand them over to corporations, we’re told obeying the law is religious morality.

Here’s the question that everybody is missing here: Is Donald Trump a communist? He damn sure talk communist.

Hey Forest Acres, Forest Hills and Melrose Heights, y’all might want to be a little more stringent with approving construction of new homes. There’s a really unfortunate trend of tearing down lovely older homes and building some pretty heinous McMansions in their stead. I mean, come on, how are you going to have a “stone” foundation on the front of your ugly ass house and vinyl siding on the back and sides? That’s not fooling anybody! This is what happens when people with more money than taste are allowed to do whatever they want.

I see all you lawyers, doctors and businessmen in your trucks with pristine bed liners. I call those ego boosters. Where’s your tool box? Maybe you could put your briefcase in there.

Why does WUSC have the bumper of The Gadgets still circulating on their airwaves? They actually never played a show! Not one show.

Yes. I like [several seconds of ear-scorching static] and we all go to eat at Drake’s Duck-In.

No wonder there are so many wrecks in the interstate. People are speeding.

The political ads currently running on TV have two Cs. Christian and Conservative. They need to add a third C and that is Caught.

Someone gave me a turkey burger. I didn’t even know that turkeys ate burgers.

Isn’t it time to get a new Columbia City Council?

Which European city has the highest rate of bovine addiction? Krakow.

I have a tip. Do not eat a Chicago-style pizza with a guy from New York.

The Turtle wonders if the average reader is aware that 82 percent of the wealth created in 2017 went to the richest 1 percent. Another interesting fact: Eight men have as much wealth as 3.6 billion people. The battle is not left-right, conservative-liberal. The battle is between the people at the tippy top and those of us who have to share what’s left over.

Hey, answer me this: Why do they call it withdrawal? Shouldn’t it be withoutdrawal?

Many restaurants in Five Points are closing. Hopefully the businesses aren’t replaced by bars.

When I go to McDonald’s, I say “I want a Quarter Pounder, don’t cook it all the way.” I don’t know why they get so mad.

So, interim governor. So you got a tweet from Donald Trump giving you support. But you forgot to tell him you don’t know how to tweet.

Did you see that North Korean guy’s hairdo?

Do not talk politics or Beyonce on the first date.

Having the FIFA World Cup in the United States is like having the World Series in Argentina.

Low-information Kevin Fisher strikes again. (City Watch, “Kim Murphy Lost and So Did You,” June 13.) Fisher admits he doesn’t live in the school district or know anything about Kim Murphy. If he did, he’d realize the district has lost every day that Murphy breathes a breath. Murphy doesn’t care about the kids. She wasted thousands of the district’s dollars defending itself against her ridiculous and frivolous losing lawsuits. She even sued the board when she was a member. Unlike Kooky Kevin Fisher, I’ve seen Malcontent Murphy in action.

I told my coworkers I was a little hoarse. They said, “Ah, you’re a pony!”

At the Columbia Fireflies game they had the kiss-cam on me. I said, “This is my sister!”

Well governor, I’m sorry. You tried to hang the cat, but the cat got you. And now you’ve got Cat Scratch Fever, baby.

We’re straight! We’re great! So get used to it!

It is not mental health issues, people. Everyone is anxious, sleep-deprived, worried about low pay and poor benefits, lacking health care, lacking a vacation, without a retirement plan and ready to shoot to kill the next person who triggers anything at all. I get it: This is a country for corporations. If you are a real person, you don’t matter. I have been desperate myself since November 2016.

I gave him a ring but when we married he didn’t give me a ring. Anybody could have figured out where this marriage was going. Straight to hell.

Bryan, I love you all the way! Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and pickles!

Is there any power on earth that could stop telemarketing calls or spam? I refuse to vote for anyone who uses a phone that I pay for to annoy me! Deleting spam is my favorite pastime.

Conservative Republicans want to keep more of their own money. Liberal Democrats want to keep more of your own money. Just another way you can tell the difference.

In reference to this entry in the June 13 copy of the Free Times, “Conservatives strive to educate their children, while liberals strive to indoctrinate theirs,” that is just about the dumbest thing I have ever read. This person must have spent weeks coming up with this one. Just a guess, but I would say it was written by a conservative.

Yeah, this rant is for the assclown driving a blue Chevrolet HHR. Dumbass, you don’t drive in the middle of two lanes on Knox Abbott, you drive in the left or the right.

This is a rant to the person that wrote about the opioid epidemic being out of control. My problem is when do people ever take responsibility for their lives? Sure opioids can kill. So can cars, so can guns. So if you’ve got three friends that have died from opioids, you’ve got a problem.

I found out my boss’ middle name was Leroy. I said, “Hi Leroy” He said, “Never call me that again.”

Hey, what’s up with this South Carolina greeting, “bo”?

What do you call it when you throw away a salad? Tossed salad.

Yeah, this is the Weasel. He’s got just one question. What do Betty Wright and Donald Trump got in common? They [breaks into song] nervous and trembling. Heh heh heh.

Whenever people stop in the middle of an intersection and their light is green and then it turns red and they block traffic for the cross street, those are the most selfish Columbians we have.

Road Work Ahead signs everywhere on the roads, but no one’s working.

The lottery won’t pay out $34 million for a glitch with tickets? Boycott the lottery!

So once we get rid of one Wilson, maybe we can get rid of the other Wilson?

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