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Apple’s a trillion dollar company. Am I the only one in the world who doesn’t have an iPhone?

Hey, let’s stop making movie stars out of cops, before they become lackadaisical glory hounds who treat law enforcement as a second job. They’ll spend more time profiling than policing.

My wife got a massive sunburn at Myrtle Beach. She looks like a cherry Jolly Rancher.

Yeah, after seeing Jeff Sessions and Donald Trump on TV, now I know what’s going on with our government. We’ve been taken over by grandfathers.

Sanderson Farms should have a new commercial that says, “Sanderson Farms’ chickens are transgender, get over it.”

You know, I just saw three Uber cars pick up downtown with no signs, markings or anything to indicate they were Uber. But people told me they were waiting for an Uber. Doesn’t anybody regulate these guys? Oh, wait.

So, Joe Wilson, I’d bring you my problem, but you are just too entangled with the Koch Brothers.

I was finally able to have a chicken dinner at Zesto’s in Triangle City. I was able to afford it after my second mortgage came through.

A thousand Lexington fat cats are going to have dinner at the dam while one in five kids in this state have hunger issues. How many of them do you think will be invited to this big feast?

When it comes to shampoos, Prell sucks, but Selsun Blue.

Hey Henry, keep calling Washington. They ain’t going to answer.

Hey, I just saw the job loss situation in Fairfield County, with the company that makes TVs there. What do people think about Trump now? He’s a royal, gold-plated job killer.

Rant to all the Trump haters. Most people back in the 1800s and early 1900s also thought Albert Einstein was a nut. That is because he was SO INTELLIGENT the normal person could not comprehend what he was talking about. Comprehend, verb, understand, grasp. Look it up.

Well SCE&G, we’ll see what happens now, won’t we? We’ll see what happens if the hammer comes down on you and not your customers.

SCE&G, Santee Cooper, every company that is regulated in South Carolina, every one of you has to identify yourself with an ID number.

The South Carolina utilities are a racket.

Looks like SCE&G must be running the bus line again. I see the COMET is trying to get a rate increase and the only reason they have is because they haven’t had one in a few years. Sound familiar?

In my humble opinion, I do not think any company that is supposed to be in the public interest, like electric utility, should be owned by shareholders. It should be tax funded.

The CEO of NASCAR had a DWI. Why can’t he use Uber?

Democrats tell us they look out for the little guy. Their socialist policies tell us they try to turn everyone into a little guy.

Who the hell has been paid off?

I wish my social worker neighbor, I guess she’s a psychologist, would stop going through my trash and recycling bin. She’s trying to run me out of town. She’s not a very good neighbor, at all. I’m not sure why she’s so invested in what we do. Anyway, she needs a hobby.

Yes, I’m going down I-26 and coming up on the St. Andrews Road exit, where the speed limit changes to 55. Cars are not slowing down. They are still going 80 and 85 in the 55 zone. I am wondering why something isn’t done about it. It happens every day. They do not ticket anyone.

Yeah Preach, when did the Crime Blotter [July 25] become a political issue? President Trump and child pornography? Give me a break.

[In reference to Fight the Power, August 8] Rave for Preach Jacobs and his writings in your paper. Even though I might quibble with him on some subjects, as a white guy and a North Carolina graduate, I, too, am impressed with LeBron James. And, much like Jackie Robinson, LeBron James has not had a whiff of scandal in his personal life. So, kudos to Preach Jacobs and LeBron James.

Where the f#!k is the Free Times horoscope? This has been going on for the last two years. Sometimes it’s in the back, sometimes it’s near the Rant and Rave and now, when I pick up a copy from the Rosewood Market deli, I can’t find the horoscope anywhere. This is the only reason I pick up your magazine. Tell me what’s going on.

Cops are becoming more laughable.

Why is it necessary to have four patrol units stationed at the Cook Out in Five Points every Friday and Saturday night? Why are these police not actively patrolling and doing their jobs?

What do you call a camel without humps? Humphrey.

The pork is done, b#!ches.

On my 60th birthday I drank tequila out of a red Solo cup.

Trump needs to put on his big boy britches, put his hat in his hand and go down and talk to Robert Mueller and answer all the questions. After 25 years in law enforcement, I’ve never seen the target of an investigation be able to pick and choose the questions he wants to answer.

Could it possibly be true that some of the crowds at the Trump rallies are actually paid actors? I heard they were actually friendly with the news people afterwards. Also, why does The Turtle not get credit for his comments?

Somebody tell me what’s going on now. People have done got so into fashion they are wearing their house curtains to work.

To all the girls out there going on Tinder: Be careful. My daughter met a guy on Tinder and he scammed her out of $10,000.

Getting older is like buying a used truck. You’re backfiring uncontrollably.

If I join the new service, does that mean I’m a space cadet? If so, I know plenty of people we can put up there.

What is wrong with all these young people that have to be on their phone with their friends all day instead of working? They are the ones that screw up all the time.

There’s a term I’ve never heard used, and that’s “high achieving pot smoker.”

I have made an observation in my nine years living in the Midlands, and I’ve lived all over the United States. I see more handicapped stickers and mobility scooters used than anywhere I’ve ever been. Also, a lot of people here are disabled or on the public dole. I wonder why that is?

Unless we share our wealth, we will share their poverty.

It is called the National Football League, people. So, whenever they play the national anthem, you should stand. If you don’t, we don’t need you, and we don’t care about you.

Hey, I just wanted to RSVP now for the Best Of Columbia party. Not going to be there, won’t see you there.

Some schools in the Columbia area closed early for the Beyonce concert. OK, so music is more important than education?

My wife got mad at me. I wasn’t feeling good about myself and I gave myself a Brazilian wax. Oh no!

I saw the Lego show.

Confucius says, “Love is when you give someone else the power to destroy you and you trust them not to.”

I’ve had the same homeowners association for 18 years. I haven’t seen them do anything yet.

This is a rave for Nicky’s Pizza in Five Points. You guys rock. Thank you, Patrick, for helping me out.

There is the art of filmmaking and then there is the highest realm where genius distills itself into a work that leaves everything else behind. Spike Lee. Thank you.

My rant and rave: *insert hip thrust* puff puff poof poof

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