Video tape

PEE-PEE TAPE.

Hello, South Carolina. All you drivers, how many of you know what the big “X” in an intersection means? Because so damn many people seem like they don’t know what that means. Get real, South Carolina. Act like you’ve got some damn sense.

The swamp goo is so thick and smelly and disgusting that we need a major distraction. How about we paint a big airplane in red, white and blue? That will surely MAGA!  

Here's a head-scratcher for you. He said several times that he really wants to "see the server." He's got to see the server to figure it out. What does he actually think he'll be looking at if he sees the server? 

Donald Trump is right. Russia does control Germany. It controls half of Europe.

You ever notice when you have two world leaders on stage at two different podiums one is usually a player while the other is a fool? On one day, one could be the player, but not to worry, couple days later and there's the fool again.

Gonna. Obey. Putin.

[In reference to “City Will Soon Remove Banners on Gervais Street in Front of Supreme Court,” July 18] Seriously?? I would much rather have banners on Gervais Street than digital billboards. Those things are (literally) painful to the eyes. In addition, not everyone uses social media. What about moving them down Gervais to the Vista?

Wildlife die awful deaths from eating balloons. Show some hearts and smarts, Clemson, and stop releasing balloons at football games.

Rant and Rave to Sandy’s Hotdogs. Why did you leave downtown? Miss you so much and think about you every day. Please come back to us.

[In reference to “Reckoning: Charleston Apologized for Slavery. Should Columbia?”, July 11] Rather than so much focus on apologizing for slavery, today's descendants of slaves should be thanking the brave soldiers of the Northern states for fighting and dying to defeat the Confederacy and thus freeing the slaves.

The front page of your July 11 issue is inflammatory, racist and counter-productive.

Where do you get off saying white people were responsible for slavery back then?

Why should anybody apologize for slavery? That happened over 100 years ago.

Hello, you have to be a special kind of stupid to apologize for something that was abolished 144 years ago. Idiots.

Hey Eva, you asked whether Columbia should apologize for slavery. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter for us. It matters for those who have passed on. It’s too late.

What did the alligator say to the monkey? “It won’t be long now.”

Charleston, you are so embarrassing.

Did you know that BMW will probably start shipping jobs back to Germany a little bit at a time, because of the tariffs? How do you like it now?

Budweiser, the King of Beers, has a sandwich at Burger King. What’s up?

Watch out, y'all. Giant icebergs in the far north of Planet Earth are on the move. They drift around and they calve (break into giant pieces). Back up and head for high ground if one is coming your way. It could be an ice cube that's 8 miles wide.   

What a sad freaking world we live in.

The bully-in-chief took a trip. We citizens of the USA are proud to send him out to be rude and bully the world. We like the bragging too. Win, win, win!  

I give thanks to Jesus for the rescue of the Thai soccer players and their coach from the deep cave. May the lost diver RIP.  

You see what can happen in a cave when we get onto one accord and go into prayer.

Hi, just finished watching the newest Sanderson Farms chicken commercial. Yep, them folks are at it again. They’ve got a male-talking female chicken.

Yes, this rave is for all the ladies out there who wear glasses. Fellas seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses, unless they have good brains. Thank you.

There’s a saying that history repeats itself. Just like the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor despite having ambassadors in Washington talking peace, I believe that Kim Jong Un is going to drop some crap on our nation.

My question is this: Where did all the pundits go who were praising Trump’s North Korea “success?” Whatever happened to the talk of the Nobel Peace Prize?

I propose changing our calendar from 12 months to 13 months. We’d have 28 days in each month, then we could still have a leap week in February.

If the [July 11] edition of Rant and Rave is indicative of what’s to come in the future, maybe you should change the name to Get a Life.

I saw the Daytona car race on TV. Or should I call it the Daytona Demolition Derby?

Oh, Columbia.

I’m gonna order a couple of Domino’s pizzas, because I have two potholes in front of my house.

If you absolutely love and adore people who get right on your butt to make you go faster, there’s an easy way to solve that: Change lanes. Look in your mirror next time. It’s probably not one car behind you. It’s probably a quarter mile to three miles of them.

If somebody's riding your bumper and tailgating you, turn on your wipers, use all the damn windshield wiper fluid you've got and it'll get on their car.

If you want to drive fast I will gladly move over and let you be cop bait clearing the way for the rest of us. 

My car needs a 60,000-mile service. I’m turning 60 years old. Does that mean I need a 60-year-old service?

Democrats, is that all you got? Hillary Clinton in 2020? How about Stormy Daniels 2020? Now she’s got it going on.

My dog is a new breed of dog. He’s called a shampoodle. He must be a shampoodle because he’s always Pantene.

Have we become some third world nation where police and National Guard have to stand watch over our schools? The banana Republicans have dropped the ball on this one. This says The Turtle.

Oh, boo-hoo. Now people actually have to sip their drinks instead of using straws. People are upset because they can’t have their straws so they can suck something. What an entitled, spoiled bunch of people we have in this world nowadays.

Raise that Confederate flag.

Eva, with all due respect, one of the stupidest — STUPIDEST — observances is Confederate Memorial Day in South Carolina.

There’s only about five percent of women in South Carolina who actually know how to cook from a recipe. They now feel that it takes too long to cook from a recipe. They are all box-and-can cookers. Are you a box-and-can cooker?

How the hell can FIFA expect Americans to watch the World Cup when the national cornhole championship is on ESPN?

Nikki Haley is feckless.

My friend is an aerospace engineer, but he is afraid of flying.

My friend Dave’s relatives, ugh, I need to start over. [Hangs up.]

My friend Dave’s relatives asked when he was going to get married, because he was 26 years old. He said, “Getting married is like getting a driver’s license. I’m doing good on my learner’s permit.”

When are y’all going to do a piece on how many local musicians are in multiple bands? What is the maximum? It appears we have a lot of guys in many, many bands. Y’all should do a spread on that.

Yeah, this rant is on the driver of a COMET bus in Olympia. Just cause your bus says "comet" on the side doesn't mean you've got to drive like a bat out of hell.

Imagine a world where everyone worked for tips.

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