Hook hand

My proctologist’s name is Dr. Hook.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says she wants to be remembered as "honest." Whoops. Oh, oh. I just fell over.

Michael Flynn? Lock him up. Michael Cohen? Lock him up. Thank you.  

I was fortunate enough to go to southern Mexico for a mini-vacay. The Pacific Ocean was warm and the palm fronds swayed in the breeze and the foods were delicious and the people were so nice. Thank you, Mexico! 

A man with a deep voice called me and asked me to donate money to stop the violence against the police. 

Empathy can be summed up in two words: Hurts doughnut.

My friends and I went to Seawell’s. It’s an excellent buffet, but the price went from $10 to $11. Come on, man. Yeah.

[In reference to Rant and Rave, Dec. 5] Are there different flavors of urinal cakes?

Where do urban Caucasians go to college to study basketball? The answer is Dwight Howard.

Well, Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives, I have only one question: If you are on the left, do you wipe your ass with your left hand? If you are on the right, do you wipe your ass with your right hand?

In the words of Brian, the dog on Family Guy, “It’s peanut butter jelly time!”

Is Dr. Pepper a real doctor? Hmm.

"We strongly believe that no country should have to sacrifice economic prosperity or energy security in pursuit of environmental sustainability,” said Wells Griffith, Trump’s adviser. Do you believe Griffith said this in front of the world’s biggest climate conference in Katowice, Poland? The Trumpites are going to finish us all off.

This is a rant against the Free Times for, in its "Our Dumb State" issue [Dec. 5], not providing an important reason why we are so dumb. It seems that, for the past 50 years, we've added a chemical in our drinking water that has been repeatedly linked to impairment of our children's intellectual development, even before they are born. Can anyone remember when our media did investigative reporting, beyond reading Donald Trump's tweets?

The headline in your newspaper in Dec. 5 referred to “Our Dumb State,” meaning South Carolina. I was once arrested for smuggling books into South Carolina, but got off on a technicality. No one in South Carolina could prove they were books.

[In reference to "Our Dumb State," Dec. 5] No surprise. Once more you attack pro-life positions, gun owners and the Second Amendment, conservatives and the Confederate battle flag. Again without knowing its true factual meaning or true factual history and not even caring to know. "It's racist, and that war was strictly over slavery." Typical leftist ignorant attitudes by the writers. No wonder the Free Times sucks. Your latest edition went where it belongs. In the trash.

I recommend having an organization such as civic churches and charities consider adopting or sponsoring families coming in here from countries such as Syria, Central America and/or Mexico, like was done for Vietnamese families in the 1970s.

Only God can show us how important we are. Money can never do that.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a stripper. I said, “Wow, that’s funny. You don’t look Polish.”

Is Donald Trump a good president? That’s a no-brainer. No, seriously, he’s a no-brainer.

The Clemson football team won the ACC championship. Dabo was doing the electric slide.

Clemson is playing Notre Dame in a bowl game. They are going to need divine intervention.

Woody Allen is 83 years old now. That’s one weird dude.

This is a shoutout to the nighttime cooks at the Irmo Lizard’s Thicket. You guys are great. And for those of you who work doubles on Sundays, keep on hanging in there. We love you.

I’m trying to find out where the Garden of Eden is and why they are hiding it from us.

This phone number here — 866-300-9333 — yeah, you get the ombudsman’s office for the governor. Start commenting on the state of the state. I have. You know who this is. Call them and b#!ch them out.

The Today Show in the mornings, what a joke. What a laugh. Hoda, et al. could not do hard news if it jumped up and bit them in the ass.

If you know you are going to turn right up ahead, why are you riding in the left lane? Also, use your f#!king blinkers.

As I walk along Main Street of South Congaree, I now realize why there are so many fat people around here. The sky at sunset looks like a combination of dreamsicle, raspberry and blueberry.

Hootie & the Blowfish are going back on tour. I like Hootie. Yeah.

Bird, bird, bird, bird is the word.

I’m about two-thirds of the way through reading the Medicare 2019 handbook. I read the entire U.S. Tax Code. I’ve also read most of the Bible. All three come to the same solution: single payer. Jesus, the IRS and Medicare. Single payer.

The Abominable Snowman just weighed in with his opinion on climate change and global warming. That’s one sad squatch.

Local weathercasters’ two favorite words are “probably” and “maybe.”

My co-workers were disgusted when I said I liked putting Cheez Whiz on my grits.

My grandkids asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I have a flip phone so they said, “Grandpa, we’re going to get you a real phone.” Yeah.

The new entertainment service Curiosity Stream, that’s not about Trump in Moscow, is it?

It just occurred to me that for General Motors, GM, the “G” stands for Grinch. Merry Christmas.

Hey, good morning. I just wanted to say that a Republican, George H.W. Bush, and a Democratic Congress back in 1990 paid the bill on my nursing school. I worked at a little factory that went under and the government helped pay for my nursing school bill. I never forgot about Mr. Bush. I want to say “Thanks.”

This is to the folks who decry public welfare. Do you still support corporate welfare? Amazon raked in billions of taxpayer money to locate two new Eastern headquarters.

The Cameron Curmudgeon has a question for the overpaid CEOs, oligarchs and monopolists: When is enough, enough?

The #MeToo movement has gotten so out of hand that the surgeon general was reprimanded for touching his privates.

KC barbecue = good. Gacy barbecue = bad.

Anyone else over Cellar on Greene's whining Facebook posts? It started with the "Oh, business has been bad for a year (cry emoji) so we're closing the end of the month." Then, "Y’all we've been busy, like mad busy, cancel that closing crap!!! Keepin' it 100!!" And now it's an almost daily "We're gonna shut down at 7 p.m." post. Like, dude, if you're gonna board the place up just get it over with instead of trying to milk every penny out of the few loyal customers you have.

Merry Mueller Christmas!

Am I the only person who thinks that the newfangled state of honoring people who died, like Billy Graham and George Bush, has gone way overboard? They were good people, but I’m a good person, too. If we honored everybody who died we’d never get anything done.

I asked my friend if she was going to ugly Christmas sweater contests. She said, “What? I thought this sweater looked pretty good."

Ruby Tuesday is closed on Devine Street. I blame the city and the county. After the flood three years ago, they still haven’t cleaned up all those buildings that were damaged.

My friend made some kangaroo meat. He felt a little jumpy.

It's time for Donny to resign. It has been time for Donny to resign for a while now. Oh, wait a minute, once he's out of office he'll probably be indicted for campaign finance violations so, yes, he'll need to remain as POTUS forever.

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