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Rant and Rave: Missing the zoo

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Otter at Riverbanks

Riverbanks Zoo hosts several events through the year, including August’s Brew at the Zoo.

Views expressed are those of our readers, not us. Need to get something off your chest? Leave a message with your rant or rave at 765-0707 ext. 126 or email RANTandRAVE@free-times.com. Submissions will be edited for length and spelling but not grammar. Please limit emailed submissions to 100 words


I miss being able to go to the zoo. When this is over, I otter go to the zoo.

On TV there is a show Man vs. Food. In one of them a guy tries to eat a 72 oz. steak. And yet there are people out there who are starving. I hope this motherf#!ker takes his time eating that steak.

My wife asked me what day it was. I said, “What year is it?”

If you insult Dr. Oz, he responds like a woman. He pulls back like he’s embarrassed or something.

I understand the necessity in changing your paper. But, this is The New York Times crossword puzzle. We don’t do it in crayon. Make it where all the clues are on the upper half of your tabloid paper, so we don’t have to keep unfolding it to read the clues. Clearly, everyone at Free Times is clueless now.

All the syndicated columns and material Free Times used to offer disappeared, because it is no longer willing to spend the money to publish them. It’s not a Columbia weekly anymore. It belongs to Charleston. Anymore questions?

I’m getting so bored during this quarantine that when I get up in the morning I put on a toga. Toga, toga, toga!

I can’t watch any sports on television. I guess I’ll watch the world arm-wrestling championships.

I hate to be crude, but what do you call a woman who will do anything for money.

According to Live PD if marijuana were legal Richland County Sheriff’s Department wouldn’t have nothing to do.

Confucius says, “We must let go of the life we planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

I studied English composition and Shakespeare.

I used to know a lady that pissed at 7 o’clock in the morning, and we thought it was pretty funny.

I thought there was a law in South Carolina against loud mufflers. They are very distracting and often very dangerous, but they don’t seem to be enforced. Thank you.

Hey, every hour our president flies on Air Force One, it costs the American taxpayer $187,000.

Where should you never take a dog? The flea market. Haha!

What the fock? Yeah, you heard me right. It seems like Fox 102.3 FM in Columbia has decided they are going to call themselves “The Fock.” What’s wrong, Benji? You boys ain’t got the balls to say “The F#!k”? That’s what you are trying to insinuate.

I was going to the beach with a sexy Italian chick, and we pulled over behind a church to have sex. After everything was said and done, the air conditioner quit working. The Lord will be glad to send you to hell.

Liquor stores are considered an essential business. That’s what I’m talking about.

The next time a veteran tells you they support Trump, remind them that Queen Elizabeth volunteered to join the military during World War II.

I’m sitting in my bathroom. My NEW office due to COVID-19. But hey, it’s where I get my paperwork done.

Some people wash their hands and some do not. Some people social distance from others and some do not. Some people wear masks and some do not. That’s South Carolina for you. This is not being taken seriously enough and there’s a big, bad price to pay for that.

What’s the deal with being mad at China over what we think they should have told us about the coronavirus? In case y’all have not noticed, China is not pretending to be anybody’s good friend. They don’t owe us a damned thing, so quit whining.

Lights are lit all night along the new section of the Saluda Riverwalk. The lights are easily seen from the river and are very intrusive. Nothing says “preserve nature” like lighting it up like some damn car dealership. I wonder what effect this is having on wildlife such as fish and birds. Don’t we have enough light pollution? Oh, right, it’s all about security concerns. SMDH.

It is time to impeach our president a second time, but with a real trial in the Senate and then removal from office. We still do not have adequate virus testing available, nor adequate PPE, and he’s busy tweeting on his official account about the grand reopening of one of his golf resorts.

Breaking news! Trump PPE: White pillowcase with eyeholes cut out. Shotgun for people not observing social distancing. Approved by Governor Foghorn Leghorn.

Please do not go jogging while being a black male in southern Georgia.

I see that Jared Kushner looks at COVID-19 from an entrepreneur’s point of view, while Donald Trump looks at COVID-19 as a political issue.

[In reference to Rant and Rave, May 6] What a sweet and tolerant comment from the “staunch libertarian” this week. It brought to mind a recent quote: “Libertarians can be the most unscrupulous politicians of all, because they have no principles left to compromise”.

Everybody’s crying and complaining about price gouging. Sanitizer, toilet paper, food, you name it. The price is going up. Hell, we’ve been screwed by the oil companies and the Uber surging and everything else for years. Hell I thought y’all would be used to it by now. Have a nice day.

I’m going to be like the Hebrew boys. I ain’t bowing down to nobody but God.

You know, the government trying to find a cure for the coronavirus is like South Carolina’s DOT trying to fix the roads here. It ain’t never going to happen anytime soon. And it really sucks.

I was chatting with my neighbor. I think we both know three languages.

I love the Rave line.

What a world we live in when the price of a pair Air Jordans is more important to people than buying a mask and saving a human life.

I heard on the news that Lyft’s profit margins went up. They are starting to make money again. Maybe they can start paying their drivers a decent wage so they can finally start making money. Think about that.

I solved last week’s crossword puzzle without having to resort to Google. I posted it on the refrigerator.

So the Senate passed bill 1017. Now the House read it during the pandemic. This correlates into one action: Taking jobs away from blind people.

This is the Swiss Kid. In South Carolina, they say that one in five kids goes to bed hungry. I can’t imagine putting a kid to bed hungry.

Listening to the White House press conferences in recent weeks reminds me of a quote from Chico Marx: “You gonna believe me or what you see with your own eyes?” This is the Bear.

Disease, war and injustice attack the hardest those who are least able to protect themselves. This certainly includes those of advanced age.

I just want to say that I live in Columbia and I’m a big University of South Carolina fan. There is still not enough social distancing between me and Clemson. I’m just saying.

Are you fireproof or fuel for the fire?

If Trump supporters don’t believe this man is a conman, check the Associated Press financial outlook.

The next time you see Mike Pompeo on TV, take five steps back and remind yourself that the Lord hates a glutton.

Hey, I know a nurse and she is really good about telling people — doctors and other nurses — “I don’t know.” Somebody will ask her about a medicine and she’ll say, “I don’t know.”

I paid my house off in six years. I’m not bragging. Now, I wouldn’t buy a house through Bank of America.

Obviously Mexico is not going to pay for Donald Trump’s trophy wall; we taxpayers are doing that. Do you think Mexico will pay to tear down the wall?

There’s an Absolute Zero, but no absolute plus? Time can stop but not go too fast? So it follows theres no upper limit to things.

The Post and Courier ownership of the Free Times has the paper circling the drain. It looks bad, and features we need like News of the Weird are gone. Free Times used to bring vitality to Columbia, but no more.

You think there should be more positives about our president voiced here? Fine. Write some and bring them on. We really want to see those details.

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