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Five Points Fountain

Views expressed are those of our readers, not us. Need to get something off your chest? Leave a message with your rant or rave at 765-0707 ext. 126 or email Submissions will be edited for length and spelling but not grammar. Please limit emailed submissions to 100 words.

Uh, Dick Harpootlian is running for Sen. Courson’s seat. I thought he wanted to be Mayor of Five Points.

The same group of morons who “back in” their cars are the ones who think riding around with their headlights off saves them money. 

A shoutout and pat on the back to the self-organized volunteers who trimmed up the crape myrtles on 277 after SCDOT “murdered” them. If only we could bottle that generous spirit. The trees are looking good and blossoming.

Why did the wheel on the car fall asleep? It was wheely, wheely tired.

This rant is against that assclown at the laundromat who think the laundromat’s clothes cart belongs to him. Really, your clothes are ready to come out in a few minutes? By the way, White Clothes Matter.

To the zoilist who has a problem with Subway (Rant and Rave, June 20): Their advertising company didn’t knowingly hire a pedophile; and for Pete’s sake, “the instrumental part of ‘Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee’” is the final melody of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, written from 1822-1824. Oh, and the poem from which the lyrics derive was written in 1907. How is that contemporary — or are you just really, really, really old?

At first I was very excited about joining Commander Bonespur’s new Space Force (motto: Use the Schwartz). What’s not to love about NRA-approved lightsabers and jetpacks? Jetpacks!! I could see myself doing battle with legions of Stormy Troopers — giving them a good spanking. Or protecting Uranus from alien space probes. Now I find out that Trump only wants non-whites shot into outer space.

I hear that with the horrible, awful socialized medicine, it is difficult to access care. I have two kinds of health insurance and I cannot get a doctor appointment in Columbia. One said she will accept me on a “first available” basis. The first available is in mid-October, so I declined. Maybe these heart palpitations will go away by themselves. Is this socialized medicine?  

My son and his family moved to someplace in North Carolina. I’m going to go try to find them.

Yeah, this rant is against NBC and the Today show. Really, now, you sunk so low you need to promote some frickin’ drag kid named Desmond? His parents are proud of him, really?

I do not give a s#!t about Jay-Z and I do not give a s#!t about Beyoncé. OK?

Don’t buy Beyoncé tickets. She will cancel.

Love everybody every day. Show your love.

My rant is against all department stores which practice racial profiling. The mannequins which represent black males are all beefed up, muscle bound, in good physical shape, while the mannequins representing white males are small, slim, almost muscleless, as if they’re women. If that ain’t racial profiling, I don’t know what is. They represent blacks being all the maleness women need, white or black, while white men are being put down.

If conservatives strive to educate their children (Rant and Rave, June 13), then why are there so many ignorant, half-educated, narrow-minded, prejudiced people in the city of Columbia and the state of South Carolina?

I love watching New York Yankees baseball.

Hey. Can somebody put a muzzle on Judi Gatson? Does she have to editorialize everything she reports? Sports, especially. As Joe Friday used to say on Dragnet: Just the facts, ma’am.

This rant is against that super genius theological student on June 13: He says Mother Nature is just as real as your benevolent father sky ghost. That’s true. There is no such thing. Have a good day, and it’s better to turn before you burn.

Well now, it’s totally obvious that the fix was in for Hillary Clinton at the FBI.

I absolutely love and adore and congratulate people who think they can put the front of their car into the butt of my car and make me drive faster. What is wrong with you f#!king people that you think you need to crawl up somebody’s arse to get where you need to go?

Rant, rant, rant, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Rant, rant on Trump coming to South Carolina just as I’m coming back from Virginia.

Rave to Kevin Fisher. Rant, rant for the idiotic, moronic lottery commission that wouldn’t pay those people back their money.

Isn’t it ironic that the Justice Department under President Trump has become the Just ICE Department?

Ah, Donald J. Trump. Of course, the J stands for Little Johnson.

Deport Melania. Having said that, I actually agree with President Trump’s stance on immigrants.

For all those people that really want to know Donald Trump, you need to read the bios of two people in history: Benedict Arnold and Alexander the Great.

You’ve never printed anything about the actual truth of the whole thing about Republicans and Democrats. It’s a holy war. We all need to get together and have Trump impeached. This is a call to arms to all who are Christian and good at heart to standup to the ignorance of the Republicans.

My friend said he’s good at playing at cornhole. I’m afraid to ask what that is.

Henry McMaster, you remind me of Jakey Knotts.

African-Americans in Charleston are going overboard. They want the city of Charleston to apologize for slavery that happened over 100 years ago.

This rave is for the mayor of Irmo. I got your back, son. You go boy, I got your back. Thank you for telling the truth. I am proud of you. I’m proud to be a South Carolinian and I’m proud to be an American. God bless you.

My wife won a Korean karaoke machine in a raffle. Hell, no.

Can anybody tell me why on America’s Got Talent, all four judges are not American?

Hi. There’s such a uproar about separating parents from their children. They’ll get their children back. If that’s such a big deal, then why don’t law enforcement not separate anybody? If you break the law and go to jail, your children can go with you. If you get capital punishment, your kids get capital punishment.

It is terrible these families are being separated, but the only humane way to do this is to go back to the ways of Ellis Island. I don’t like Trump but he realizes there’s a law that you’ve gotta follow.

I called in right after the ownership change about the staples. I was told by someone who telephoned me that the staples would return in October. Here it is the end of June and there are still no staples in the paper. What happened and when are you going to get it fixed? Thank you.

My rant is about that Rejuvenations Medical Spa commercial with the two white ladies and the light-skinned black lady in the pool. The one white girl with the great body, the great butt, she don’t say nothing. The one that runs her mouth, she’s all covered up, looks like skin and bones. What’s so great about that? The light-skinned black girl ain’t too bad either.

It’s obvious to me that our Latin American immigrants crying boo-hoo stories have learned from our black residents very well.

Hey Mayor Benjamin, what about the people in the City of Columbia? Drugs, people shooting each other, homelessness. You’re out there in Texas, for what?

If I’m asked to leave a restaurant, I’m starting a food fight before I go.

IHOP is now called IHOB. Don’t worry, I’m still going to call it IHOP.

Summertime started a couple days ago. I thought it started six weeks ago. Yeah.

Tom Steyer doing the commercials about impeaching President Trump: Where were you during the eight years of Barack Obama? What was it about Barack Obama that didn’t require you to stand up and talk about impeaching his butt? You’re just a liberal Democratic fish-eyed fool.

Maybe you’ll print this. I just visited the post office and it smells like public restrooms at the bus station. Thank you.

I was just at the intersection of Two Notch and Covenant when this guy ran a red light. I looked over and there was a City of Columbia cop, and he did nothing.

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