Barry Gibb

Barry Gibb in 1973. Source: Beeld En Geluid Wiki - Gallerie: Toppop 1973, via Wikimedia Commons.

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How do I know Jesus isn’t black? Because my mother has a picture of him, and he looks just like Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.

I’m so over vegans thinking they’re better than everyone else. You eat plants! That’s great! But don’t hate on people who don’t live the same lifestyle as you.

Koala bears are nasty. Most of them have chlamydia. Yuck!

I worked all day and didn’t make any money. I feel like a damn Uber driver.

Oorah. God bless and God speed to you.

Yo! All you Christine Building peeps, y’all can come now, they fixed it all up. All Christine Building peeps can return to their lavishly adorned life.

I can never thank you enough, the gentleman who found my Louis Vuitton wallet in front of the Pizza Palace restaurant on Leesburg Road. Everything was intact. God bless.

We need to stop celebrating this Christmas holiday. We know the government and Satan is behind it. Satan owns the government. He rules it. Owns it. Stop celebrating Christmas and every other holiday.

All the churches across the world are lying to us.

My wife said, “Are you going to an ugly Christmas sweater contest?” I said, “You bought this for me last Christmas.”

How to fight cold, flu and pneumonia: You don’t need Benadryl, Claritin or antibiotics. You need chicken broth and you need to take vitamin C every six hours. You need lavender oil head to toe. You need peaches. And you need to drink pineapple juice. Eliminate as much meat from your diet as possible, and starch. The doctors know all the cures for everything and these are the simple cures that will definitely work for all of you.

The Salvation Army red kettle donations say they’re declining. The main reason is everything’s going up except your pay.

I hope you print this. You didn’t print it last time. If people have No Trespassing signs up, there’s a reason. I have twin sons. They’re schizophrenic. One of them is sociopathic. One of them is always outside. They could be standing right next to you and you wouldn’t know it. They have an arsenal. They have night vision. They live for the hunt. So come on in our yard. Just come on in.

It’s 2019 and we’re still playing Monopoly with our electric company? Hey Dominion, why don’t you kiss our ass and go away?

I want to know this: Why are these assholes running the VA down there treating our veterans like pieces of garbage?

When’s the last time you’ve been downtown Columbia? Columbia should change its name to Shamelessly Homeless.

Here’s my rant: I am tired of liberals saying that conservatives don’t care about immigrants. We do care! Our only question is, who’s going to pay for all of them if we bring them in with no limits? Are you going to pay an extra $5,000 a year in taxes? Well, are you?

Senioritis or sensemilla?

Last night I’m watching the nightly news and I see GM’s laying off thousands of employees. And then I see there’s thousands of immigrants at the border wanting to come to America. Think about it, people.

Path to bowl eligibility: Coastal — Chattanooga — Akron.

It’s amazing how Charleston and Charlotte got concerts for the KISS End of the Road tour. What happened to the almighty Colonial Center in Columbia? Who handles this stuff, anyway? Somebody’s not doing their job.

Hey, fellow SCE&G ratepayers. Can you hear it coming? Probably not.

Captain D’s. The Taste of the Coast. What coast? Kansas? Nevada?

So can we please stop celebrating the Clemson game like we won it? Yes, Jake had a great game. We still gave up 56 points and lost. Have we really sunk to this point that we’re just going to celebrate good losses?

Well, the SEC snubs Jake Bentley. I tell you what, I am not a fan of Clemson. But the SEC sucks. Go Tigers.

I don’t care for the violent game of football, but Colin Kaepernick is one of my heroes. He knelt on the field because he was doing what needs to be done. I am a white skin person and I want a good result for Kaepernick.

My friend celebrates Hump Day every Wednesday. His favorite singer? Engelbert Humperdinck.

Word up to USC students downtown: Going forward in life, traffic ain’t necessarily going to give your dumb asses a break when you step off the curb staring at your techno toy. That’s a good way to die. Bye!

Go after the phone companies for harassing calls. The companies know who makes these calls. We all know the Do Not Call list is a farce.

Trump, where are your tax returns? The reason you hate journalism is that journalism speaks the truth. The reason you hate the truth is you’re a pathological and a sex pervert. Impeach, impeach, impeach.

If Trump says the Saudi prince didn’t do it, he probably didn’t do it. After all, that worked with Putin.

I asked the clerk at the store near me if she would like to learn a little bit of Spanish. It would make the line at the cash register move along faster and it would be friendly. I didn’t get to offer to help her with that because she freaked out and said, “They are here now and they need to learn our language.”  

Okra is super nutrition. Okra is eaten in many places in the world but not so much in Philadelphia or Dubuque or Seattle. Local styles of cooking okra do not give the best result. Recipes from India make okra so delicious (and NOT slimy) that I would like it on my plate every day if I could have it. My rave is for okra.  

Response to last week’s guy asking me out on a date (Rant and Rave, Nov. 28): That’s a bold move, Cotton. Good thing Lauren Dillon likes bold moves. And drinks. Plan it, I’ll be there!

This past weekend I attended a performance of the Nutcracker at the Koger Center. The performance barely even qualified as a ballot [sic]. Much to my dismay, the music was blared over a P.A. system from some pre-recorded orchestra. Regarding the dancers, some displayed talent but others not. Prior to taking my seat, I surveyed the audience, almost half of them were dressed as if they were attending a football game or even a monster truck pull. Columbia: why can’t we do better at exhibiting class and culture?

While WIS may indeed suck, they remain the most-watched station in the Midlands. What does that tell ya?

Ahhh, the “That ____ Guys” of Rant and Rave. Angry people with things on their mind who can’t get any followers on real social media.

Here is something to be grateful for this holiday season: Harpo in the Senate. We will not have to wait for New Year’s or the 4th of July for the fireworks to begin. I am so excited.

Shout out to the one who recommended the Steppenwolf song (Rant and Rave, Nov. 28). Any other music lovers out there reading this should also listen to Holiday, American Idiot, and 21 Guns by Green Day. Same ol’, same ol’ ... Things never change, do they.

[dog howling]

Hey, somebody tell Preach that driving a Hyundai is better than driving a pair of Keds. (Crime Blotter, Nov. 28)

The government’s behind the hate crimes that were in Charleston. They’re also behind the fake money being passed around.

Everybody who has felt underappreciated, unloved, just don’t go to work on Monday.

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