Duck and Cover drill kids hiding under desks

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To me, it’s too late in life to buy new furniture.

Hey Joe, I saw you nekkid on your doorbell cam. Gross!

Social media and the internet are evil.

DIRECTV sucks. I just spent a total of 10 hours on the phone, five different people, and I still have the same problem.

What happened to Gamecock Jesus? Haven’t heard from him. Just wondering.

To the University of SC, y’all still suck.

You know when James Taylor was in town, there were many sets of dentures found.

Remember in the ’60s we got under our desk when we thought the Russians were going to attack? Wonder if that would work now?

I have an idea: Let’s all donate to the Columbia Housing Authority.

During my Super Bowl party I wanted to be like our president, so I kept walking around telling everyone, “You know I paid for that food. You know I paid for that food.” Just like he did the Clemson players.

This is to the guy that thinks there’s a lot of lazy stupid mofos around these parts. That ain’t true. Some of us work.

I had a Big Mac the other day with bacon on it. That’s un-American.

Mary Jo, Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you to the moon and beyond.

My friend has been married six times. He calls it domestic warfare.

Hang in there, Hank Aaron.

White people, y’all are in control of everything everywhere in the world and you still don’t know how to use it. Why don’t you ask for help? Y’all ain’t going to print this.

Many of my coworkers were born in the 1980s. I have socks and underwear older than that.

I hate what I’ve allowed my life to become, because I’m broke, busted and disgusted.

I have been working on my taxes. I am going to pay over one thousand dollars more than last year. I have been hearing the same from my friends and relatives. Reagan rapped me with his tax cuts. Bush didn’t help me any, but neither of them were as bad as Trump. If one more Republican administration passes a tax cut, I may have to leave the country.

Thank you for locking up Bill Cosby. He was never America’s Dad although he pretended that he was. Lock up all the predators! ASAP!

Right wingers think the way to finance government is to tax the bejeezus out of the middle class. And if you “Google” who spends more, Republicans or Democrats, the answer may surprise you. 

How can any publisher or editor let the absurd bylines in your Crime Blotter go to press? You must have a very low opinion of your readership if you consider that moronic trash as amusing to the people that patronize your advertisers.

If you do not like black men, you can never love black men.

My friends and I went to the USC law school. The chicken was to die for. Maybe I shouldn’t say that; there might be a lawsuit.

I ain’t sayin’ my family’s ugly, but I posted the video of our family reunion on the Internet and it went bacterial.

You’re a straight up loser if you complain to McDonald’s headquarters about them getting an order wrong. Only snitch ass cops do that and should not be trusted. “Middle finger emoji”

Some HOAs really need to give up and let someone who know how to run things take over.

Litter everywhere, it makes Columbia look nasty!

How can there be so many s#!tty drivers in one city? Why aren’t the laws enforced?

Anybody else tired of the guy with the dying Five Points restaurants whining online about how slow business is?

It’s Super Bowl time! Yeah, we love the Super Bowl. The day was tops in domestic violence against women, tops in the amount of pizza consumed, tops in sex trafficking and prostitution and tops in money flowing (mostly to white men). And what a sport it is. It is SO FUN to bash other people’s brains.  

The Bible says the lame shall enter first. Won’t that hold up the line?

It is very sad that someone has to die to see justice. How many times did Robert Coble drive by Allen Benedict Court? The former mayor himself not seeing but now the face of this as the attorney. Where is E. W. Cromartie?

Yeah, South Carolina, now we need $9 billion to fix the train tracks.

Mayor Steve Benjamin, we don’t trust you. Stay out of Lower Richland County, we don’t want nothing to do with your shenanigans. We know you’re crooked. Fix Columbia first and then try to go take over somebody else’s land. Y’all go and steal from each other; y’all don’t come here. It’s going to be bad business for you, cause God’s got last say.

University of South Carolina, y’all need to get on Clemson’s level. They have three national championships. Y’all got just as much money as they do but y’all don’t do right.

People of South Carolina, do not vote Steve Benjamin for governor!

Why doesn’t the city of Columba, instead of trying to tear down Allen Benedict Court, just disconnect the gas lines and cap them and install heat pumps for everybody? Seems cheaper.

You have the have and the have nots. The have nots could be the haves, but went through some s#!t in their life.

This rave is to my baby. She’s such a good woman, she’s been putting up with me for such a good time, because I am imperfect.

So y’all want to argue about arguing the alcohol Sunday issue. But you can’t make marijuana legal. OK.

Shouldn’t a hysterectomy be called a her-terectomy?

I go to a church in Five Points. It’s called Group Therapy.

People don’t like Pelosi not because she’s a Democrat or because she’s from California, but because just like Hillary and Michelle, she’s ugly.

Alcohol is still the worst drug in the world.

We used to have a lot of white people who’d get together and drink liquor and make laws designed to keep us disenfranchised.

My girlfriend and I share the same toothbrush.

If President Donald Trump is the Hope for White Greatness and a revived American ascension, the Black collective needs to quickly lobby the court system and beg for a return to COLORED SEGREGATION.

President Trump, I just had a dream and the dream said you and a lot more of your constituents are the Antichrist. You need to go get healing, get out of the president’s chair, go get yourself right.

I wouldn’t worry about all the shootings and murders lately, Skip. I’m sure the criminals are just cranky because it’s been too cold for you to drive your ice cream truck around. Summer is just around the corner, though! #FamouslySHOT

Government shutdown ended after 35 days. First job for 800,000 workers who returned to work was cleaning out all the rotten food in their break room fridges. 

Why do some people get benefits and public assistance when some people who work and can barely make ends meet get barely anything?

South Carolina, you better start stressing Jesus, cause we are in some deep s#!t, you hear me?

We’re getting high and drunk too much, man. Can somebody please tell me why a party ain’t a party without reefer, liquor, cocaine? Y’all like needles? Man, y’all got to be the craziest mother#!kers in the world.

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