Mayo’s Moment

Mayonnaise. 

Photo by Thomas Hammond

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Hellmann’s, Kraft, Duke’s — The Mayo Clinic.

see more and more vacant stares on the face of President 45. Is his brain OK?

I’ve got to rave about the small orange that sat on the white tile. It is gone now. That’s because I ate it. 

If you believe Dr. Oz and what not to eat, you will starve to death. Channel 10 should get rid of that quack.

Have you noticed on TV lately, it’s the dads taking their daughters to the zoo, or doing their laundry, or cooking their meals, or changing the baby diapers, etc.? Not a mom in sight. I guess the female parent is too busy doing other more important things.

What’s another name for treadmill? Clothesline.

I’m curious about something. When a white person doesn’t tell the whole truth to get something like food stamps or anything, it’s called “fraud.” When a black person does it, it’s called “gaming the system.” Why is that?

I am not a racist. But, when you do stupid things, you get stupid results. This should be the front line. It don’t matter. I’m trying to help y’all understand some things.

Stephen A. Smith may be a sports guru, but I’m a life guru. Stop doing stupid s#!t. Doing stupid s#!t is just stupid.

Guys who are a “3” and lucky enough to date a “10” will cheat on her with a “2” because they know they’re not worthy. The “2” makes an inadequate man feel temporarily better about himself. So pathetic. 

F#!K COLUMBIA NEWS STAND! They are plain jerks, man! I buy sodas and snacks there often and twice I went in there to get change. Not a handout but actual change like from a dollar bill to quarters and they not only refused but were assholes about it. That girl that works there is a piece of work, too. I bought something one day and I literally needed two pennies to have exact amount and she WOULD NOT LET ME GET IT!

How do you put morons on TV instead of me? I look better than them and I talk better than them. They don’t even know how to talk English.

Something needs to be done to get all the ambulance chasing lawyers off the TV. The commercials are on constantly and they are stupid and boring as hell.

My friend’s name is Major Julian. If you go on a date with his daughter, is it a Julian date?

As an example of the lying and hyperbole in society today, the York County chamber of commerce president just said that moving the Carolina Panthers’ headquarters to York County will bring millions of visitors each year. Millions of visitors to see the Panthers’ headquarters.

Regarding Free Times on March 13, to the computer geek who’s having a stroke, uh, find something else to rant about.

York County, South Carolina: The final resting place for a moribund NFL franchise.

My friend pays money to put his car in a car show. He hopes to get a trophy that’s bigger than his car.

It’s being called Operation Depopulation. It’s being held by Bill Gates and others in the government. Right now there are lots of deaths. Power outages are happening because of Operation Depopulation. Their plans are to try to block out the sun.

Being a man, let me tell y’all men something: Your heart disease comes from a broken heart. You have to guard your heart.

In response to marijuana issue, if you give a person too much candy and they are stupid already, they are going to already be stupid. If you give them marijuana, they are going to be even more stupid. If you give them liquor, they are going to be even more stupid. Now who wins? Come on.

Gluttony is a sin in the Bible.

Hey politicians, y’all f#!ked up bad. We need y’all out of office. We need no offices, just let the federal government take over until we get some people who are competent and just in office.

To whomever stole my wife’s London Fog coat from the Cayce bowling alley, you’re scum.

[In reference to Rant and Rave, March 13] I have a teacher’s phone number for you to call the next time you’re getting raped, robbed or beaten. Dumbass.

Supposedly, Forrest Gump called Lori Loughlin from Hallmark Channel fame and said his mother got him into the best schools also, but she didn’t leave a paper trail. “Ma’am you sure do care about your son’s education.” Got that right.

Your constituents, the people who you are over, can’t take much more of your bulls#!t. You don’t want to get these natives restless around here.

This is a big rave to the very kind young woman who stopped her car on Harden Street, near Kiawah, about midday on March 14 to intercept a young schnauzer named Rocky, who had escaped his backyard and was headed for Five Points. We will always be grateful for her, and hope she reads this. Rocky is back in his doggy bed, pretending it never happened. Thank you.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long? Pi-thon.

I see urinals in this town that are real high. Are those for basketball players?

We need to build a wall around the White House. I think Mexico would pay for that.

Poor, poor Lori Laughlin. She should have done what a lot of her other peers were doing and that is send her daughters to Trump University.

The Cameron Curmudgeon wonders why all this paranoia is going on worldwide, and he wonders why they are trying to get him.

Yes, I’m just calling in response to message the person left about making it in Columbia in music [Rant and Rave, March 6]. Look, hard work pays off. Look at what Hootie and the Blowfish did. If you just keep putting out your demos, playing around town, someone will notice you. That is just a poor, poor attitude to have about succeeding. Work hard, write great music and everyone will then find out who you are.

Please bring back the horoscope. Every lady’s cycle is built on the moon. We know what day it is.

Here’s a current example of right wing religious terrorism: The Billy Graham Crusades. What does the word “crusades” mean?

Dylann Roof killed nine people in Charleston in 2015. This is 2019, and he is still alive. Why?

I think my female barber is very pretty. She thinks of me as just a number.

I told my wife I wanted to quit my job and be a comedian. She said, “Go ahead. You’ll probably starve to death, but you can say you tried to be a comedian.”

State employees, yeah you got two to three percent more. Big deal. Our retirement system is in debt by billions. So, what are we doing?

Look at those young ‘uns march. What they should be doing is targeting senators and congressmen and lobbyists and others who have ripped off the Superfund cleanup.

Don’t y’all think that No. 1 is full of No. 2?

Most Americans have never been to Africa.

[In reference to Rant and Rave, March 6] To the girl who was driving on I-20 and cars were zooming past her at 80, 90, 100 mph: Stay in the right lane. Thanks.

Trump, the winner. That’s a laugh. How about Trump, the loser. That’s the truth.

Mein Gott! Are we never totally rid of Charles Austin?

I rave for the promise of government transparency that Mr. President gave us. He took that expensive trip to Helsinki, Finland, on our dime, where he met privately with another world leader whose country is a longstanding enemy of the USA. As our PRESIDENT how dare he refuse to divulge what occurred in the meeting? C’mon y’all, you know there’s something very wrong with that.

It’s Buck-a-Boot time again! Public safety officials walking about in the middle of busy intersections at rush hour. Is this the example our public safety officials should be displaying?

The POTUS is selling T-shirts that make it look as though our White House in Washington, DC is one of his properties. Who will stop this disgrace?

[In reference to the March 20 edition] Kudos to you, Free Times, for the comprehensive, well-organized, and very informative edition of March Madness weekend. I hope every single one of the 25,000 visitors to our downtown found a copy. They can have a truly memorable visit.

Happy 94th birthday, Jimmy Carter. Our thanks go out to Rosalynn and you for working for decades around the world in support of FREE and FAIR DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS.

Let’s upgrade the reading comprehension. Nobody is talking to girls; the word is females. Nobody is telling anyone how to dress. The point is if you present as a slut please don’t mind me because you ARE a slut in my book.

We need to respect the safety of our road crews, but when the work is finished the road work signs are left in place. Our roadways are littered with roadwork signs where there hasn’t been any work done in years. Take down the old signs and people might pay more attention to the ones they see.

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