Crime Blotter illustration 102418

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Snack Attack: Authorities are looking for a man who decided to do something many people think of doing but never do: Steal stuff from a vending machine. The man was caught on surveillance footage breaking into a machine on Veterans Road and taking the money. He was shirtless, and let’s just say he doesn’t have a body like The Rock. He’s also connected with several other vending break-ins in the area. No word if he took himself some Cheez-Its.

Be Blessed: Cops are searching for a man who decided to expose his (emoji speak) eggplant. Surveillance caught the guy at a gas station in Orangeburg, pulling out his junk and then walking up to the window where a woman was working. When she asked if she could help him with anything, he motioned for her to look at his woody woodpecker and said, “Have a blessed day.” Not sure if this guy knows what a blessed day means ‘cause that ain’t it. Neither is you guys sending unsolicited Snausages to women’s Instagram inboxes.

The Hat Trick: Cops got a call from a 33-year-old man after someone broke into his car in Northeast Columbia. The victim didn’t have anything extravagant stolen like money or a laptop, just a fitted hat — a LA Dodgers lid, just in time for the World Series, or perhaps it was a disgruntled Boston fan just trying to be an areshole. Both seem likely. You have to be a weird cookie to risk going to jail by breaking into a vehicle for a baseball cap. That’s as corny as breaking into a home to steal a necktie. Fashion can wait.

Tip of the Week: If you’re going to rob people, you should have a robber-like car. Cops are searching for a man who robbed a fast food joint. He pulled up with a gun, demanded money and then fled in a silver Chevy Cobalt. Really? That’s like doing a drive-by in a Prius. Cops are searching for someone in an economy sedan that cares about respectable gas mileage. Next time you rob a joint, better have a muffed up van with chipping paint and three hubcaps. The suspect was later found when his car was located in the woods.

Let us know what you think: Email news@free-times.com.

We're improving out commenting experience.

We’ve temporarily removed comments from articles while we work on a new and better commenting experience. In the meantime, subscribers are encouraged to join the conversation on our Free Times Facebook page.