Walking Naked

Battery Pack: Authorities are searching for a man who stole items from a porch at a Lexington home. The cardinal sin in the FedEx and Amazon age is being one of those crooks that nab a package from a front porch. Surveillance footage shows the guy ringing the doorbell and waiting to make sure no one was home before stealing batteries — not your regular AAs for your vibrators or remote control, but high end ones like for big items (like a three-foot vibrator). No arrests have been made and this guy didn’t even steal anything that is worth his time. These batteries are probably in the corner of his house, which is probably full of boxes he’s stolen from other homes. This guy is a jerk. 

Help Wanted: Cops arrested a man for attempted armed robbery after he pretended to help a woman in need in West Columbia. The victim reportedly walked into a restaurant searching for her son who’d run off in her car. A man in the restaurant volunteered to help her look, and she got in the car with him. It got weird when the guy reportedly pulled into a random parking lot and pulled out a gun. The victim ran and then reported the incident to the cops. The coppers eventually found him, and in addition to the attempted armed robbery, there was weed and cocaine in his car as well. Side note: In the future, if you’re looking for someone, maybe not getting in a car with a stranger is the best bet.

Lock Ya Doors: The authorities nabbed a 45-year-old man with 16 arrest warrants for breaking into an arseload of cars in the Northeast area. The suspect reportedly went around a parking lot of an apartment and searched for doors that were unlocked to take various items from the vehicle (people leave their doors unlocked more that you would think). The suspect then would use credit cards he got from these vehicles at places that you would love to spend dough: A gas station. Aim high.

Paper Chase: Authorities nabbed a man who robbed a bank in the Lexington area. The suspect reportedly entered the bank and presented a note to the teller. The note got him an undisclosed amount of cash. The suspect then escaped through a back door of the bank. Cops eventually located the suspect and returned the money that had been taken. At least the crook got to hold the money for a few hours before having it taken back. Enough time where he could’ve posed with big stacks of money for the ‘Gram. Sure, you’re going to jail, but at least get a great photo op out of it.

Free Smoke: Cops are searching for a man who robbed a gas station on Broad River Road. The suspect reportedly walked in with a gun, got an undisclosed amount of cash and then demanded the clerk get on the ground. The guy then grabbed two cartons of cigarettes and bounced. Nothing like a good ol’ nicotine fix to help with a robbery, I always say.

Tip of the Week: Sure, you can rub one out. But not in public and not walking down the highway. Authorities had to shut down traffic leading to Interstate I-26 after a man reportedly was walking naked pleasuring himself without a care in the world. The guy reportedly didn’t respond to commands and kept walking until he was respectfully taken down by several officers and given a blanket to cover up. Thankfully nobody was injured, except maybe the eyes of the people driving who got a peek. Imagine being late for work and using that as your excuse.

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