This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Blotter 10/3

Illustration by Jason Crosby

Off the Wall: Cops are searching for two unknown men who rammed a van through a business in Eastover and took an ATM machine. Surveillance footage caught a white van bust through the business (imagine Kool-Aid style screaming “oh yea!”) and moments later two men run inside and grab the ATM before fleeing. This seems to be way too much of a hassle. When stealing money, you want to cause as little disturbance as possible. I’m guessing the store owners can recognize a car-size hole in the business. 

Tool Man: Cops are searching for a man who broke into an auto shop on Two Notch Road and stole some items. The suspect was caught on surveillance walking into the garage and walking out with the items. The guy was wearing a shirt that read, “All I Do Is Win,” which DJ Khaled would be very disappointed with this guy for rocking while thieving.

Waist Deep: A 29-year-old woman called the cops after realizing her gun was missing after attending a party on Grahams Aly Road. She told authorities that she had her weapon on her waist, but while drinking during the night, she felt something slip off her but didn’t think too much about it. The next day she realized it wasn’t the pounds slipping off thanks to drinking low carb beer, it was her piece. Luckily, nobody was injured and she decided to file a report. Side note: A gun slips onto the ground at a party and nobody flips out? Sounds like a cool-ass party.

‘Bout the Benjamins: A 23-year-old man got nabbed after trying to spend a fake hundy at a store in North Columbia. When the money was flagged as counterfeit, the employee confiscated the bill. The would-be spender decided to just stick around, eventually giving the store time enough to call the cops. While the guy waited, someone reportedly called the store claiming to be the customer’s lawyer demanding he get his bill back. When the employee told the guy on the phone that they had to confiscate the bill because it was the law, the “lawyer” just hung up. Dude really needs better counsel. Hopefully his retainer was paid in fake bills.

Tip of the Week: Alcohol is never worth getting hit by a car — especially if it’s a Natty Light. A 38-year-old woman was nabbed after an incident on Main Street nearly got her hit. A cop saw the woman drinking the Natty on the sidewalk. When the officer approached her, she tried to walk away into traffic, almost getting hit in the process. At least drink a nice craft beer if you’re going to play in traffic. C’mon!  

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