Jaws Crime Blotter

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Mouth Piece: Cops had issues arresting a Spartanburg man after he damaged wires in a patrol car with his mouth. The 55-year-old suspect was involved in a car crash, and while the suspect was placed in a patrol car, he turned into a frickin’ goat and started biting on the wires in the vehicle. When he was taken out of the car, he started threatening the officers, attempting to hit them, and eventually was punched in the face, cuffed and placed in another patrol car. Maybe they needed the Hannibal Lecter mouth muzzle, as well.

Buffet Visit: Cops are searching for a person responsible for taking items from cars in the North Columbia area. One victim told authorities that the suspect didn’t get away with money, but gift cards to several buffets in town. Cops don’t know who the suspect is, but to the ladies out there, if a guy takes you on several dates but always insists on taking your ass to Golden Corral, it may be him. Call your local authorities (and find a guy that’s down to take you to a better place to eat).

Heat Check: Cops nabbed two men responsible for setting a fire in the Walmart on Harbison Boulevard. The suspects reportedly started a fire in a food aisle of the business causing $3 million worth of damage. Nobody was injured. Only question is: What’s the motive? Is this one of those situations when you’re at a store and someone is cooking free samples to try out and these arseholes tried to grab something to cook themselves and it goes incredibly wrong? If that’s what happened, I really hope it was something corny like those pizza bagels or a Hot Pocket.

Tip of the Week: If you’re going to risk getting caught stealing stuff from the store, at least do it with some authority. Cops got a call after a 29-year-old woman tried to steal items from a store on Forest Drive. The suspect tried to do the old pretend-to-use-self-checkout-but-don’t-really-scan-s#!t routine. The items amounted to only $6 worth of stuff, though. That’s not even worth the headache of the loss prevention guy sitting in the back. The employees should’ve all collectively dug in their pockets, pulled out $6 worth of change and thrown it at this lady all while screaming “shame!” like in Game of Thrones.

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