This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.
Poppin Pills: Cops got a call to a pharmacy in the Lexington area after a 38-year-old man was accused of armed robbery. The guy reportedly walked in with his hand in his pocket like he had a gun (like old Flintstones cartoons) and demanded OxyContin. The pharmacist obliged and gave the guy several bottles, and the guy sped away. The suspect was found shortly after in his home and the drugs were recovered. For the record: When things like this happen, are the drugs put back in circulation? Do they do a discount like Apu with the Kwik E Mart when he drops food on the floor? Inquiring minds want to know.
Good Foot: Authorities are investigating an incident on North Main that led to someone getting shot in the foot (probably Harlem Nights style). It was over an argument, the subject of which was unknown. My guess: It was about LeBron going to the Lakers.
In the Weeds: According to The State, Sumter authorities arrested 12 people involved in a drug bust the authorities called “Operation Ice Storm.” The cops uncovered 81 pounds of weed, 12 weapons, over a thousand cartons of cigarettes, a stolen car and forged checks amounting to over $63,000. These guys sound like a lot of fun.
Fronominal: Cops are searching for a man suspected of breaking into three businesses in the Midlands. The suspect reportedly would break a window of the businesses, sneak in and try to get money from the register. The guy was caught on surveillance and has a big frickin’ brownish fro. No arrests have been made but this guy may need to find a barber.
Pretend Soldier: A Charleston man was indicted for allegedly defrauding the Veterans Administration by receiving over $197,000 in benefits after pretending to be a Vietnam veteran. The guy probably told stories like Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski about his buddies dying “face down in the muck” to anyone who would listen. This guy even pretended to have Purple Hearts. Sheesh.
Tip of the Week: Don’t run around in public spaces bucka-nekid (buck naked). Shoutout to a park-goer in a Cayce park just hanging out when a random guy ran naked from the woods with a red pair of boxers in his hand. When the guy was caught, he told the cops that he’d decided to urinate but his pants fell down. That was his whole story. I would’ve been waiting for him to follow it up with “a bear came after him” or the even funnier excuse, he was with some lady and her husband came home. The only two excuses to be caught running naked.