Crime Blotter Church Crime

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.


Skeletor: Cops got a call about a possible body in a park in downtown Columbia. After investigating, officers found a fake skeleton propped up and covered in red spray-paint to look like blood. Some kids did this prank too early. Wait until Halloween, not the middle of February.

Car Wash: Cops arrested a 38-year-old man after he stole a work van from a victim in Lexington. The suspect reportedly ran up with a gun while the driver was washing the ride. That’s the most treacherous part. You’re going to steal my s#!t and I have to make it nice and tidy for you? If someone ever steals my car, you’re going to have to plunder around ’90s hip-hop CDs and Dunkin’ Donuts receipts.

Put On My Card: Cops are searching for a woman responsible for racking up over $1,000 of charges on a stolen credit card. The woman reportedly stole it from a car in a daycare parking lot. That’s pretty damn low. It’s just as bad as stealing from someone’s car at a frickin’ church. Worst part is the robber probably has a kid in the same daycare, and when the victim talks about her stuff getting stolen, the suspect is like, “Aw man, sorry to hear that.”

Church Theft: Authorities nabbed a 20-year-old man and charged him with assault during a church robbery. The suspect reportedly entered a church to steal items (which sucks ass) and then an employee came in to work. The suspect then struck the employee before fleeing. The suspect was arrested later after his description helped cops locate him. Dude, if you’re stealing from a church and an employee walks in, just drop whatever you had and say, “My bad.” Just saying.

Tip of the Week: If you have an illegal mushroom-psychedelic farm growing in your house, you may not want to give the coppers any reason to step foot in your house. When officers went to serve a warrant for a weapon charge on a 25-year-old man, they stumbled across a house growing operation with plastic pots and cool lights. The shrooms were hallucinogenic in nature and as a result illegal AF. This guy should’ve had a job in the gardening section at the local Lowe’s. He wouldn’t have been arrested; he’d actually be employee of the month.

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