Stealing a Safe

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Parole Violation: Authorities apprehended a 32-year-old man they say was responsible for strong-armed robbery at a spot on Knox Abbott Drive. What makes it worse is that this apparently violates his parole (you think?). Not sure if this guy is just an idiot or if he’s like Brooks in Shawshank Redemption, so torn up for being on the outside that he wanted to commit a crime to go back. Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’.

Catch a Predator: Authorities arrested a 27-year-old man in Lexington County on charges of child pornography — the only two words worse hearing than “President Trump.”

Gimme the Light: Someone robbed a bank on Garners Ferry Road. The guy reportedly walked in and stole an undisclosed amount of money. Yeah, that’s interesting and all, but the most interesting part is his outfit: The guy caught on surveillance had on a hard hat with a light turned on (like he was mining) and a yellow vest like workers have when fixing the roads. If this guy walked up to me in a Target or something, I would give him my money, too. Can never be too careful.

Motor Boating: Cops are looking for a man who stole boat motors from a business on Pontiac Drive. That’s the story. Sorry if anyone reading this had any expectations of a different kind of motor boating. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Cash & Grab: Cops nabbed a 34-year-old man after he robbed a woman on Devine Street. The suspect reportedly ran up on a woman in a parking lot and demanded money, pushing her to the ground and stealing her cash before running off. Witnesses got a description of him and his car, and he was caught shortly after.

Hair Care: Authorities are searching for a man who robbed a Springdale convenience store. The guy walked in with a gun and demanded money, then ran off with cash. He was caught on surveillance, with his outfit being a black sweatshirt, black shoes, black pants and a du-rag. You know, when you want to rob someone but want to make sure your hair is fierce for later.

Tip of the Week: Running through the streets with a safe makes it pretty damn obvious you stole something. Cops arrested three men responsible for breaking into a home in Richland County. The suspects were caught running with a television and a safe out of the home. A witness called the cops and gave them the guys’ car details, which led to an arrest.

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