This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Crime Blotter 071818

Snatched: Cops are searching for a man who walked into a bank in the Cayce area and snatched money from a customer’s hands before fleeing. First of all, that’s the ballsiest thing to do; secondly, dude is lucky the person he stole from didn’t trip him up and then tap dance on his face. In a related thought, good thing Usain Bolt went into a career of track and field, because he would’ve been the greatest person for the snatch-and-run. Who in the hell is going to catch him?

Road Rage: Authorities are seeking a road-raging man after he reportedly threatened a driver while in traffic on Harbison Boulevard. The suspect reportedly cut off a driver in traffic and got the horn. Instead of the “my bad” apology that drivers do, or even the trusty flipping of the bird, this guy decided to stop traffic by getting out of his car, insinuating that he had a gun, and threatening to harm the driver, who had a toddler in the car.

Empty Handed: Authorities are searching for a man after a would-be robbery in Lexington. The suspect and an accomplice reportedly ran up on an elderly woman with a knife and demanded money. After the woman told them she didn’t have any, they just left, driving off in a gold sedan. Luckily nobody was injured. If it was my grandmother being robbed at knifepoint, she probably would’ve told the suspect that she didn’t have any money, but would’ve offered them something to eat. You may be a crook but you’re not gonna be a hungry crook if she has anything to say about it.

Shooting the Breeze: Three males were charged with Possession of a Firearm by Persons Under 21, according to an incident report on the Columbia Police Department website. Authorities got a call about shots going off on Easter Street, and eventually the weapons were located after a search. Speaking of juveniles with guns, on the new Sacha Baron Cohen show Who Is America?”, Cohen, posing as a gun enthusiast attempting to pass a bill to allow kids as young as four years of age to operate guns in a classroom, was able to get several congressmen to endorse this idea including Midlands congressman Joe “You Lie” Wilson.  

Tip of the Week: Dragging someone with your car probably ain’t the best way to solve an argument. Cops are looking for a woman who, after getting into an argument with another woman, decided to press the gas of her car and aim at the victim, dragging her a short distance. The victim went to the hospital with road rash. The driver got away. 

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