Blotter 10.31

Illustration by Jason Crosby

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Saw: Authorities nabbed a 23-year-old woman after she went a little Halloween-ish during an altercation with another woman on Zimalcrest Drive. The argument escalated to punching and kicking followed by an appearance with a chainsaw. Authorities say the saw wasn’t actually running while the altercation was going on but in the middle of a fight, you never know. People say don’t take a knife to a gunfight, but hell, where does a chainsaw fall in the equation?

Open the Door: Cops got a call after a 21-year-old man caused a disturbance by banging on the door of a home in North Columbia. Turns out the guy was drunk and mistook his neighbor’s home for his. Under the circumstances, him ending up one house over is kind of impressive.

Jackpot: Authorities locked up a 37-year-old man after stealing items from a convenience shop on Two Notch Road. The guy decided to take $50 worth of lottery tickets. Not really sure how that works, but don’t know if that’s how you’re going to get the Mega Millions. And as a side note to the mysterious person who bought a ticket last week in South Carolina and won more than $1 billion, just know that I love you and miss you. 

What’s My Name?: Cops nabbed a 33-year-old man after he lied when he was being apprehended for public drunkenness on Main Street. When asked his name since he didn’t have his identification, the guy decided to lie about who he was. Maybe the cops would’ve figured it out eventually but the guy decided to tell the cops that they will never find out who he was because he was “lying about his identity.” Way to stick it to ’em.

Power Tools: Cops are searching for a suspect who stole items from a home on King Street including a chain saw, nail gun, drills and a flat screen television. Cops are apparently searching for Bob Villa (this reference makes me feel old as s#!t).

Tip of the Week: Not only should you not drink and drive, you probably shouldn’t drink and dial (and this applies beyond calling your ex at 3 a.m.). Cops charged a 55-year-old man with making a false police report after he told authorities that his car was stolen with his two kids in it. Turned out that s#!t wasn’t the case — one of the kids was found with the babysitter, the other at school. The father told authorities that he was pretty hammered when he called.  

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