Practical Car: Cops are searching for a man who robbed a store on Greystone Boulevard. The suspect reportedly pulled out a gun and hit an employee before fleeing. He left in an early model Ford Taurus. Robbery aside, that is the worst car when you’re doing a crime. Sure, they sound practical and affordable, but you also give the impression of a soccer mom. That’s like doing a drive-by with a Volvo. Never heard of that happening have you? Exactly!
Big Screen: Cops are searching for a man who has a history of stealing from places in Northeast Columbia. In one incident the suspect was spotted at a store on Two Notch Road taking a security tag off a 58” screen television in hopes of walking out with it. For the record, that’s pretty effin’ ballsy. Try to take something small like an ink cartridge or something, but some big ass TV? Wow. The suspect was approached by an employee and he did the only thing he could think of to get out of the situation: Push a shopping cart to hit the leg of the employee and run away.
Red Shirt: Cops are searching for three men responsible for several break-ins at businesses in Northeast Columbia. Two of the guys go in the shops to take stuff and one is in a car ready to be Ryan Gosling in Drive. One of the suspects was caught on surveillance video using a red shirt as a mask. The suspect also had the shirt in his mouth biting it because the shirt wouldn’t stay in place to cover his mug. Yes, these are the type of criminals our city has to offer.
Tip of the Week: If you’re going to steal a bunch of comic books, putting that s#!t in your pants is kinda nasty. Authorities got a call from a shop on Devine Street after a suspect they call #pantsbookguy got away with $300 worth of merch in his crotch. If they do catch the guy, I’m not sure how they would handle the comic books (discount the hell out of them, I suppose) but this gives a literal twist on ‘graphic novel.’