Crime Blotter 501 Lemon Pepper

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Yelp Review: Cops arrested a man who robbed a restaurant on Augusta Road. The suspect reportedly walked into the business, pulled a knife on an employee and demanded money. If you’re a customer in there while that is going on, you eat for free that day, right? That should make for an interesting Yelp review.

Lemon Pepper: Cops got a call to a clothing store on Forum Drive after an employee had a s#!tty day at work. The employee reportedly observed two women stealing items from the store, and when they left, called 911. While the employee was on the phone, one of the women doubled back and pepper-sprayed the employee, then fled to the parking lot. The woman reportedly wanted to give the worker more smoke (that’s slang for you older folks) by coming back into the store and pepper spraying the employee again. Not sure if businesses still do the “employee of the week” thing, but does this count?

Kick in the Door: Cops are searching for a woman connected to possible home break-ins in the Northeast Columbia area. The woman was caught on camera showing up to the steps of a home, ringing a doorbell and waiting. When there was no answer, she returned with two men and kicked in the door, causing about $500 worth of damage. The suspects didn’t get into the home, which makes it even more annoying. You’re just going to f#!k up someone’s door for no reason. No arrests have been made.

Test Drive: Cops are searching for a man who stole a truck in the Lexington area. The suspect reportedly snatched up a white F-750 (one of the bigguns) and drove off. The car was randomly found later on a road as if he’d gotten tired and dipped. Hopefully this isn’t the real life version of Grand Theft Auto where you take a ride, get out and snatch another one to your liking by kicking an old lady out of a Volvo.

Tip of the Week: If you’re not going to go to law school and want to pretend to be an attorney, it’s best to have a Screen Actors Guild card while doing it. A 47-year-old man pleaded guilty to impersonating an attorney in an attempt to extort money from a restaurant owner. The suspect reportedly threatened the owner of a restaurant in Northeast Columbia with lawsuits and possible deportation. The only problem was the guy wasn’t a lawyer, and the incident got the FBI interested. Shame on this guy: The FBI has more important things to do, like the Mueller investigation. Pretending to be an attorney only works if you’re George Costanza trying to get a girl. Do better.

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