This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Finger Guns blotter illustration

Illustration by Jason Crosby

Telephone Man: Authorities were hipped to a 25-year-old man harassing a woman via phone after she blocked him from all social media. Even after she blocked him via cell, he decided to call her job. This sounds like when a woman breaks up with a guy and he gets extra weird. Wonder why she wanted to leave you alone?

Broken Glass: Cops got a call from a 29-year-old man after he got robbed by a man while he was in a parked car. The suspect reportedly ran up to the driver with a gun and demanded he give up the goods. The victim ended up reportedly giving the suspect $4,000 in cash (whoa) and other belongings. To make it even worse, the robber didn’t just run away after taking the victim’s s#!t but actually shot a bullet through his window. That’s just mean.

Smell What’s Cookin’: Cops got a call after a 51-year-old man tried to sneak out of a store in downtown Columbia without paying. What was he trying to steal? Deodorant. I say if someone’s willing to get arrested over deodorant, let em have it.

On Sight: Authorities got a call to a fight in progress where a 31-year-old man ended up being taken in an ambulance for medical treatment. On the way to the hospital the guy ended up unbuckling himself from the stretcher, started kicking and jumped back into a fighting stance. This guy is acting as if the song “Eye of the Tiger” is forever on repeat in his head. That’ll have you starting fights nonstop.

Tip of the Week: Don’t rob banks. Some guy choose to do it with a pen instead of a gun. Authorities nabbed a man after an alleged bank robbery on Platt Springs Road. The man caught on surveillance was seen just showing a note to a teller demanding money and walking out with an undisclosed amount of cash. Witnesses say it didn’t appear that he had a gun. Cue those episodes of The Flintstones where robbers would jack Fred and Barney by just putting their fingers in their pockets and pointing. Be careful where you try that s#!t though — don’t bring an index finger to a gunfight.  

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