Crime Blotter Eh Mon

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.


Stolen Ride: Cops got an alert about a stolen vehicle from North Carolina traveling in the Columbia area. The authorities initiated a traffic stop, but the driver ignored the blue lights and sped away, eventually crashing into two brick mailboxes in front of a retirement home. The suspect got out of his car and ran briefly before being chased down and arrested. The dude should've saved everyone the headache: When the blue lights flashed, he should have just pulled over and extended his hands to be cuffed. And to the victim of the stolen car, this is never a scenario they play out on those insurance commercials.

Box Sets: Authorities got a call after someone broke into a home in North Columbia and got away with a few items. Items listed in the incident report include a long list of CDs, DVDs and some VHS tapes (lol) from the victim's collection. On a related note, to the victim: Nobody has a CD or DVD collection anymore. I'm not going to even mention the video tapes. Maybe this was the intervention you needed. Let's all collectively share an HBO Go password so you can finish up Game of Thrones (no spoilers, please) and also get you a Spotify subscription. Next time the crooks come in your house they won't have anything else to steal.

Lock Yo Doors: Cops got a call from the Northeast Columbia area about a suspect walking around in neighborhoods pulling on car door handles to see if any were unlocked. On a related note, this is the laziest form of thievery ever. True, people don't necessarily have their cars broken into as much as they leave them open for crooks to just invite themselves in, but there has to be a smarter way to do illegal s#!t. Pulling on car doors is your criminal masterplan? Get outta here!

Back In: Cops got an alert about a stolen car in the Elgin area, and when they tried to initiate a traffic stop, the suspect tried to speed away. It didn't end up well, as the dude ended up crashing the car outside of a local high school. The suspect reportedly was recently released from jail in December and had a suspended license. Grand opening, grand closing. I think Avengers: Endgame lasted longer that this guy was out of jail.

Tip of the Week: If you're going to rob a store, maybe it's a good idea to not wear a bunch of brightly colored clothing. Cops got a call about an armed man who entered a pharmacy in Lexington and demanded prescription drugs. Before getting out with the pills, he also took everyone's cell phones (or he could've pulled a Pulp Fiction and gotten a trash bag filled with wallets). The suspect dipped with a driver waiting. He was caught on surveillance wearing a bright green hoodie, and orange pants with a white stripe. The suspect also is believed to have worn a fake dreadlock wig. Imagine Dave Chappelle in Half Baked doing his horrible Jamaican accent. Lawdamercy!

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