Crime Blotter FaceTime

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Bada Bing: Authorities shut down a club on Percival Road after it pretended to just be a regular nightclub and not a strip joint. After investigating, authorities realized that happy hour meant something totally different than expected. Should’ve just figured out how to have some bomb ass wings and called it a day.

You’re the Vest: Cops are searching for a man caught on surveillance video robbing a convenience store in Lexington. The guy can be seen walking in the store and pulling out a pistol before getting out with an undisclosed amount of money. Oh, and the guy happened to be wearing a construction safety vest (the bright orange joints you see them wearing while fixing a pothole).

Grand Theft Auto: Cops are searching for five men in connection with stealing several cars from a car lot on Beltline. The suspects got away with three cars; two have been recovered. Reportedly a Dodge Durango with body damage is still being sought. These have to be the worst car thieves since the guy in that commercial who stole a Toyota Prius to evade the cops on a high-speed chase.

Flat Screens: Cops are searching for several men who broke into a home in North Columbia and stole a few items. On top of grabbing gold chains and coins, the suspects got away with several big-ass televisions and decided to get away on foot. Yes, the idea of stealing large TVs without the sense to have a vehicle to put your stolen items in makes for a hilarious incident. Especially when the suspects are caught on camera walking around with the stolen items.

Tip of the Week: Don’t take an Uber to your ex’s house. That’s a simple one. Cops got a call from a man after his ex-girlfriend kicked his door in and rummaged through his home. Oh, he knows that because she decided to FaceTime him while petting his dog. Yes, that is pretty effin’ scary. The incident occurred after the woman was at a bar and couldn’t find her wallet. She thought her ex (who happened to be at the bar) took it. Yeah, makes no sense to me, either. The ex decided not to press charges, as the lady appeared to be drunk. He just wants to make sure she pays for the door she kicked in. Advice to the dude: Get better locks and a stronger door.

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