Crime Blotter Calculators and a Knife

Calculations: A 26-year-old man was arrested for stealing scientific calculators at knifepoint. The suspect was approached by an employee while nabbing the items and unsheathed his blade (always wanted to write that), but got away. Then, to make the story even weirder, an undercover sting by cops pretending to be customers to buy the calculators is what did him in. All I know is hearing anything about scientific calculators reminds me of school in the ’90s. 

Money Launder: A 48-year-old man pleaded guilty to stealing federal funds. The suspect used his position as a public official in Allendale to siphon money from the government and use it to buy cars and make home repairs. This seriously sounds like a plot used in an episode of The Sopranos.

Sweep the Leg: Authorities are looking for a man who is apparently stuck in the ’80s. Swansea police are searching for the man after he stole a woman’s purse outside of a gas station — but before he did it, he did the crane kick that Daniel-san did in The Karate Kid after a kid from Cobra Kai swept his leg. Sorry if my old-man nostalgia is showing, but we know one thing for sure: When that guy was doing the kick, he was singing “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito.

Poppin’ Tags: Authorities are searching for five men who broke into an auto shop on Two Notch Road. The suspects got away with several items including paper license tags. Is that what the kids are stealing these days? That’s like stealing handicapped parking stickers so you can get closer to buildings when you go shopping.

You Got Mail: A federal court sentenced two Columbia men involved with a marijuana distribution system that generated thousands. The men are charged with seven counts including conspiracy to distribute weed and launder drug money — and they did it by mailing packages of weed through the mail. Next time, use FedEx. On a side note: I’ve constantly had items go missing in the mail (not weed, though), and I’m wondering if every once and a while someone’s making a delivery and smells that “loud.” Does the package then mysteriously disappear?

Tip of the Week: If there are four warrants out for your arrest, might as well turn yourself in (unless you have money like El Chapo, then create a tunnel in your house to evade cops for years). A 34-year-old man reportedly robbed a gas station in Lexington. After eyewitnesses gave enough info for the cops to issue the warrants, the guy just turned himself in. Not sure if he was at home watching the news and his face popped up or something. That would be awkward (especially if you’re watching it with your mom).

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