Driving while eating a burger

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Moving Car: Cops are searching for a man who acted as if he was in a new Fast & Furious movie (they are up to probably movie No. 59 by now, right?). After a car was reported stolen, cops flashed their lights to pull the guy over — but he didn’t give up. That would be a wussy move. Instead he opened the door of the moving vehicle and jumped out while it was still going (tuck and roll move). The car then hit a home in the Apple Valley community. No injuries occurred. Well, you would think the guy would be injured by the jump, but instead he was able to run away on foot. This guy really missed his calling as a frickin’ stunt double.

Eat It Like Groceries: Cops are searching for a man who stole food from a store in North Columbia. The guy was caught on surveillance with groceries in his cart just walking the hell out. Bold move. Hope the food you eat that you stole gives you the worst case of bubble guts ever. #karma

Laundry: A Columbia man pleaded guilty to laundering millions of dollars through seven Columbia banks. The suspect used fake business accounts and wrote checks via the accounts to aid in his scheme. You can’t try to launder money through the system and not think it’s a problem. That’s only reserved for people who worked in the current White House.

Hair Care: Cops are searching for a man who robbed a gas station on Beltline Boulevard. The suspect was reportedly armed; he demanded money and fled with an undisclosed amount. He was caught on surveillance wearing a white T-shirt and a wave cap. Pulling the stocking further down to cover your face would be a good idea.

Tip of the Week: If you’re too drunk or hung over to drive, call an Uber — and if you’re hungry, get delivery. A 58-year-old man reached out to coppers after his car was stolen from a gas station on North Main. The victim asked an acquaintance to grab some breakfast using his car since he was hammered. Needless to say, the breakfast biscuit run turned into auto theft, as the person never returned.

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