Crime Blotter Kitty on Moped

This information comes from local police reports, press releases and media reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Catch Me If You Can: A 43-year-old Timmonsville woman pleaded guilty to several insurance fraud charges. She reportedly did things like use other people’s medical bills and also try to alter a hospital bill totaling over $11,000. If you want to alter bills well enough to cheat an insurance company, you need to get in touch with a dope-ass graphics designer or someone that knows how to use Photoshop at a professional level. This lady probably used MS Paint. She deserved to get caught.

Pizza Pie: Several teens in the Midlands were arrested after trying the oldest get- money-and-food trick in the book: Call for a pizza to be delivered, and once it arrives rob the pizza guy — plus, ya know, have something to eat for your troubles. It sucks enough that the homie has to drive around with pizzas making his car smell like Sal’s World Famous (a Do the Right Thing reference for ya), you have to rob the guy, too? It didn’t go too well for the kids: When they tried to run up to the car to rob the driver, he sped off.

Black Market Pets: A 38-year-old Holly Hill guy pled guilty to the most un-gangster smuggling case ever: turtle smuggling. He reportedly tried to sneak in turtles from Hong Kong and used Facebook text messaging to connect with clients. At least have a burner flip phone! That’s “Illegal Activities 101.”

Meow the Jewels: A 40-year-old guy from Oconee County got arrested after the most adorable frickin’ car chase in the world. After the guy was spotted on a moped, a patrolling officer discovered the driver had active warrants. The guy was asked to pull over but ignored the commands and sped off … with a cat accompanying him. This turned into a pursuit with several cop cars before he was eventually apprehended. I’m glad I was able to get through this blurb without using any cat puns. These blotters are serious, not for bullkitten around! Dammit.

Tip of the Week: Stealing isn’t good, but stealing s#!t from cops makes it even dumber. Might as well do a crime at a doughnut shop and wait for one of the boys in blue to show up. Cops arrested a 23-year-old man who decided it would be a great idea to steal items from marked police cars — marked as in this guy knew he was stealing from officers while they were at a conference (bet there were doughnuts there, too). According to The State, the suspect got away with thousands of dollars’ worth of guns, bullets, ballistic vests, handcuffs, badges, credit cards and even a citation book. At that point, why not put on the cop uniform and take the damn car? Some folks like to live dangerously.

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