Crime Blotter 051519

Caught Slippin’: Cops got a call after an unidentified man took a page out of the movie Friday at a Broad River gas station. The suspect reportedly entered the establishment with two other friends and pretended to slip on the floor. When the clerk went to check on the fallen customer, his two friends went behind the counter to get cigarettes. The suspects then went into a waiting vehicle and drove off. Instead of the clerk rushing to assist the suspect, the proper response, as per the movie, should’ve been: “Man, get yo ass up! It’s not even wet over there!”

Church Vandalism: Two teens have been arrested for allegedly vandalizing a church in Chesterfield County. When arrested, the suspects informed the cops they were drunk while doing it. These two guys should learn that getting drunk and f#!king with a church is terrible. Be like everyone else when they have too much to drink: Text your ex-girlfriend and tell them how much of an asshole you were. And on that note, I’m going to put my drink down.

Suspicious Activity: Cops nabbed a 46-year-old man for possession of a bunch of weed, prescription drugs and like $25K after someone people nearby called the cops because something looked weird. The suspect along with several other men were around the trunk of a car, and the caller suspected it to be a drug deal. When cops arrived, the officer reportedly could smell the weed and got a warrant to search the car. Here’s the rules if you’re doing a drug deal: Don’t do it at the trunk of your car. The only time cops should come by your car with a gang of guys is when someone’s admiring the speaker system (as you play your Miami booty bass music on cassette tape because the bass is so deep it’ll make your CD skip.)

Tip of the Week: Don’t try to do fake robberies. They always end up bad (insert jokes about Jussie Smollett here). A 56-year-old man is in hot water after claiming his house was robbed with $36,000 worth of stuff being stolen. He then filed an insurance claim. Too bad his report was as accurate as Attorney General William Barr’s interpretation of the Mueller report. The suspect is now charged with a false burglary report and insurance claim.

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