This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

So Fresh, So Clean: Cops got a call after $300 worth of damages occurred to a store on Millwood Avenue when someone broke a window to get in. Once inside, the suspect got away with Sun laundry detergent. Cost is $6.

Missing Tire: Authorities got a call after a 23-year-old man told them someone took the front tire of his bicycle in downtown Columbia. The unknown thief just took the tire. Didn’t take the entire bike but rather wanted to be an areshole and make a stranger have to take a frickin’ Uber home. It’s like someone breaking into your car and not stealing it but taking your steering wheel just so you have to pay tow charges. Well played.

Gotta Be the Shoes: Cops got a call from a 24-year-old woman with one of the worst crimes you could ever commit: Stealing someone’s Jordan’s. Yes, take a moment to take that in. A thief got into the victim’s stash and took five pairs of J’s. Whoever did this should be found immediately and should be forced to wear orthopedic-looking-ass Sketchers for the rest of their days!

Flossin’: Authorities are searching for a man wanted to stealing more than $16,000 worth of jewelry from a store in Fort Jackson. The suspect reportedly got away with two $8,400 rings. Somewhere some woman (and probably a mistress) just got a new ring from their man not knowing that he snuck out without paying for it. Ladies, wanna know if your man stole the jewelry? Ask for the location so you can resize the ring to fit better. If he starts stuttering, he ain’t no good. Why does this sound like a chapter from a Steve Harvey relationship advice book?

Tip of the Week: Running with your hands cuffed behind your back may not be the best thing ever. Cops arrived to a scene after an incident at a home that involved gunfire. While authorities cuffed three men and held them to get further information on the incident, one of the men tried to run away. Didn’t work well. He didn’t get far and cops found weed and meth in his pockets.


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