Blotter 7-17

Illustration by Jason Crosby

This information comes from local police reports. It does not mean anyone is guilty. This is not a court of law.

Drive Through: Authorities got a call after an inexperienced driver drove a car through a dollar store in the Rosewood area. The driver thought the car was in reverse instead of drive making us all ask one question: How did this person pass their license test? Nobody was injured.

Healthy Diet: Authorities got a call when a 58-year-old man was caught stealing items from a store in North Columbia. The suspect reportedly tried to get away with beer, fruit and yogurt. For the record: If this guy tried to consume all of that at the same time, he definitely would have had a severe case of the booty squirts. He’s lucky he got nabbed to save him from himself.

Puppy Love: Cops got a call after someone stole a car from a home on Bush River Road. The suspect reportedly got away with a Google phone, a stun gun and what was possibly the car’s security system — a brown pit bull.

Stolen Cars & Meth: Cops pulled over a 43-year-old woman and 37-year-old man after realizing they were riding around in a stolen vehicle. After a search the cops found two bags of meth. This makes them definitely the couple you want to invite over for your next barbecue.

Tip of the Week: We don’t condone beating of your kids but if your kid is a 30-year-old and being a horrible human being, then parents have the right to go Jack Johnson on them (and that’s Jack Johnson as in the world’s first black heavyweight champion boxer not the shoeless singer talking about banana pancakes). Cops got a call after a mom told authorities that her 30-year-old son got angry after an argument and began vandalizing her apartment and being aggressive to her. Best believe if 30-year-old me got aggressive with my mother and began vandalizing her home, I would have a different walk today as she would’ve definitely shot off a pinky toe.

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