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Way to go USC. Drinkwitz goes to Missouri. That was your best shot. We are in Muschampville and will be 4-8 again.
Ever since her check bounced, I only accept cash and cashier’s checks in my holiday cards. Thanks, Grandma.
If you would please stop tailgating me, we can have a better day. Thanks a whole lot.
Nancy Pelosi has a strategy. She is the boss.
I am stunned that Trump is even in the White House, at all. But I am more stunned that he has so many “supporters.” If you are one, you must support lying, no regard for women, no knowledge of how government works, a fifth-grade vocabulary, no regard for the environment, little understanding of how an economy works (Obama got the economy back on track, not Trump), no regard for our allies, and admiration of our most reviled enemies. The members of NATO and the UN laugh at him and for good reason, but he is therefore incapable of representing the US. He couldn’t care less about the country. It’s all about his ego. He thinks there is an “us and them” and is using his impeachment to further strengthen that notion. To me, that means I am not part of “our” country. He is a serious risk to our national security. And you can’t see it.
My cousin has free range chickens. The problem is he can never catch them.
Christmas and New Year’s were on Wednesdays. We had no hump day.
Israel was created in 1948.
This morning I was flipping channels and this lady at Fox was talking about the Obamas buying a house. Honest to goodness, you could just hear the spite. It’s early and people are angry because the Obamas are buying a beautiful house. What makes somebody angry about that?
The Republicans wanted everybody to have a gun. Now everybody has a gun. And people are shooting each other. Everybody shoots everybody.
I see what happened to the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It got moved to the town of Pine Ridge. I mean, really?
The economy is doing well and we have plenty of jobs now and interest rates are low. What I can’t figure out is why so many people are running around with the knees out in their pants.
I stayed up all night wondering if I should ask my girlfriend to marry me. Then it dawned on me.
I made one of my co-workers an honorary Taste Bud. He said, “I don’t wanna be a Taste Bud. Is there money involved?” I said there wasn’t. He said, “I repeat, I don’t wanna be a Taste Bud.”
I paid my house off in six years. But what I heard when I was a kid was that if the bank president steals butter in the cafeteria, get your money out of the bank, because he’s a crook.
Dominion Energy is going to start making natural gas out of horse manure that they pipe directly out the back of the Statehouse.
The word “abbreviate,” how do you abbreviate that? Yeah.
Remember this: X belongs in Texas. Christ belongs in Christmas.
Drinking Fireball whiskey is not the answer, but I’m willing to take a shot.
I enjoy doing crunches. Cap’n Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, etc.
Being a weatherman is a great scam.
Hey, folks. You can lend your neighbor $10 and you can lend your girlfriend $10. If you want to know how to lend the Lord something, read Proverbs 19:17.
What do you call a reindeer that smokes marijuana? Rudolph the red-eyed reindeer.
You want to talk about safety? Let’s talk about safety. Uber and Lyft, their inspections are done by gas stations and tire stores. Taxi cab inspections are done by the City of Columbia Police Department and the Office of Regulatory Safety. Think about it. Really think about it while you are standing there holding your phone in your hand.
Our president is worried about the Biden kid. Did you see, with the negotiations with China, at the table, surrounded by elderly gentlemen, is Ivanka? His daughter is there at the Chinese negotiations.
White guys with high school educations love Trump.
Hey folks, in Camden they’ve got an animal rescue and we came home with a little girl bull mastiff.
It’s a damn disgrace trying to get a federal ID license at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Those damn clowns don’t know what to do or how to give people an ID without going through all kinds of motions, even when you bring a bag full of documents. They send you back home without the federal drivers license.
I think The Nutcracker ballet ought to be neutered.
All religions share at least one thing in common. They all rely on hearsay. Really old hearsay.
I was that old guy at the Statehouse Indivisible Impeach Trump rally with the head of Trump on my sign. Three of y’all drive-by truckers gesticulated that I was number one. Thanks. Oh, sorry to use a big word. Guess you didn’t learn that term at Trump University.
Main Street’s grown a big pair of balls. Congratulations! You’ve grown up, son.
Happy Birthday, Jesus.
Boss Nancy Pelosi has the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump in her possession. Some newspapers reported a fake thing that the Articles of Impeachment have already been given to the Senate. Give us the facts, only the facts, please.
Santa Claus is an original jolly fat guy. Now everywhere I look I see people fatter than Santa Claus.
Vladimir Putin has expressed his displeasure with the impeachment of President Trump. We better do something. Vladimir is our boss. Trump is just the mouth that spouts Vladimir’s wishes.
This is a rant against just about everybody who thinks he/she needs to drag a couple tons of steel around with them everywhere they go. How about a transportation bicycle instead? It’s like Pelaton, except they pay you. I don’t pay for car tax, car insurance, car payments, gas, mechanics, or oil changes. I don’t worry about engine warning lights going on. You may pay $1/ mile to drive, when you add up the costs. So I make $12 an hour riding my bike. People think I’m homeless, and try to give me stuff. No, no, no. I feel sorry for you.
[In reference to Rant and Rave, Dec. 18] To the person that says South Carolina will always be white trash, that also includes him.
We elected a TV entertainer to be the president of our nation. It has been very entertaining.
I was reading about the new student housing tower going up on Assembly Street. All the city and county leaders can talk about are the taxes they will get — in spite of the tax breaks they are offering — and the “exciting economic activity.” No mention of a need for more student apartments. WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE STUDENT APARTMENT BUILDINGS! We live here, too.
Devin Nunes is the California representative who figured out that the FBI, CIA, and NSA were spying on President Trump before, and after, he became our wonderful 45th president. After Attorney General Bill Barr and U.S. Attorney John Durham complete their investigations, heads will roll. Frosty
There is hope: The next mass extinction could affect mainly university bureaucrats, lawyers and legislators. All occupy unproductive bullshit jobs leading to premature brain death. An evolutionary step is called for.
Not enough that Russia tries to steal our elections, now they try to steal Santa’s workshop. The magnetic North Pole is moving about 25 miles per year in a north-northwest direction — towards Russia!
Soon all the Amazon trucks filled with presents will drive to wrong locations — this is another devious plan by liberals to destroy Christmas.
Bartenders should make drinks and chat. But should never, ever sing.
The train trestle bridge over Blossom in Five Points looks great. Why can’t the city paint the one over Gervais? See it at least twice a day. Looks like s#!t.
Sandy’s Hot Dogs is closing end of the year. Can someone please buy the rights and open one up downtown? Thank you.
[In reference to Rant and Rave, Dec. 11] It doesn’t matter that we never see Lindsey Graham with a woman. It matters that he is not acting right for someone who is a senator. Retire, Lindsey Graham.
We the citizens should put President Trump on welfare. Then he will be required to provide proof that he has worked at least 20 hours each week.