Crime Blotter 120419

Ice-T: Authorities got a call after a 23-year-old man tried to get away with an item on Garners Ferry Road. It was $2 worth of iced tea. Just wish in moments like this a hologram of Ice-T would pop-up and give the thief a stern talking to about the importance of respecting your gangsta and not taking items like this. He’ll probably end his speech with a reminder to watch the 21st season of Law & Order: SVU on NBC.

I’m Expecting: A 27-year-old was nabbed by authorities after taking an item into a bathroom of a store on Broad River Road and using it without purchasing. Unfortunately the item was a home pregnancy test. The suspect went to the pottie, opened it up, tinkled and threw it away. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure two lines didn’t show up on that little strip thingie.

Telephone Man: Authorities apprehended a 22-year-old man after he allegedly damaged the door of a store and threatened a worker on Fairfeld Road. The suspect reportedly was standing outside the store before it opened, and an employee showed up telling the awaiting man they had to go inside, pull money out and, you know, do the things you have to do to open a store. The guy didn’t like this, kicked the door, yelled and even used his cellphone to call the store and threaten the employee. Next level petty. I wonder if he called and instructed the employee to look out the window while giving the bird.

Tip of the Week: Don’t be a douche. Seems simple enough, but for a group of frat-kids, they decided to damage a sign for an independent business in the Five Points area, causing about $100 worth of damage on Black Friday. No arrests were made in the vandalism attempt, but I personally hope the Thanksgiving leftovers they eat give them explosive diarrhea while their crushes are in the next room and they accidentally Instagram live the event for all of their friends to see.  

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