Debuted back in 2007, Rant and Rave is Columbia’s lightly edited, anonymous public forum. So long as they keep it short, Free Times readers are free to submit whatever they damn well please for publication on the page, which runs each and every week.

As ever, when looking back on the last year of jokes both innocent and crude, political vitriol both rational and wild-eyed, and statements that seem largely apropos of nothing, patterns emerged. There were many rants about the Rant and Rave itself, but more about the former reality TV star in residence at the White House. There were expressions of frustration and confusion about the #MeToo movement and shots taken at local and state officials.

In this eighth edition of the Best of Rant and Rave, you’ll find what we believe is a representative sampling of what our unidentified contributors had to say in the last 12 months. — Jordan Lawrence

Rants About Rant

Would it be possible give out an award to the two most prolific rant writers every year? Maybe shaped like a couple of assholes so the recipients could carry them home like six-packs. Oh, and engraved to say something like, “Nobody gives a f#!k about your opinion, but thanks for sharing.”

I think my statements made to this site are too intelligent and thought-provoking to be included in with the other rabble written. Therefore, in 2018, I will retire my pen, but retain my thoughts.

You’d never know we live in the Bible Belt by the gutter language people use in the Rant and Rave. I just know people visiting the area think we are a bunch of rednecks. If people can’t resist using gutter language, please block it out for your many educated readers. Thank you.

[In reference to Rant and Rave, Dec. 27, 2017] For the pompous twat waffle talking about “gutter language”: F#!k off, you beef-witted applejohn.

Yeah, I’ve randomly taken the Rant and Rave out of 10 different papers at seven different locations just to see how many people twitch. (Maniacal laughter) Merry Christmas. Love y’all.

How about changing the name of this section to “that mailbox is full.” Also, whoever edits this piece really sucks.

This is a rant. I hate the Rant and Rave page.

Rant and Rave would benefit from more racism and homophobia.

Sportsball

It only makes sense at this point to satisfy all groups, supportive and opposed, to move the West Columbia chicken plant to the nearby Williams-Brice Stadium area. Think of it. Put a big Gamecock logo on the front of it and poke that rooster during the games. Chicken feathers flying around during halftime shows. Could also enhance the tailgate experience with full fan immersion into the chicken experience. Sights, sound and, oh yeah, the smell! Go Cocks.

Where did the Clemson fans park when they came to town? The tractor place on Assembly Street closed its doors.

Please, Coach Swinney, we are so tired of Winning. We’ve been winning so much. Can we please not win for a while?

Kaepernick wants to buy an NFL team now. Why doesn’t he just apply to the New York Police Department while he’s at it.

I’m pretty sure I’ve just seen Colin Kaepernick leaving Sport Clips and I’m also pretty sure they didn’t succeed in up-selling him the MVP.

Why does the USC women’s basketball team call themselves the Gamecocks? A gamecock is a male chicken, a rooster. They should be called the Gamehens. I just don’t understand USC. I mean, good Lord. This is the Ass Buster from North Augusta. Good night.

I see where Zion Williamson chose Duke over Carolina and Clemson. He wants to take his game to the next level, not drop two levels. But Carolina ought to get Duke to pay for those recruitment games. Go ahead, Zion.

I enjoyed the Super Bowl, but I also watched part of the Puppy Bowl.

Hey football might be over, but now we’ve got the exciting sport of Olympic curling. Hell yeah, bo, hand me another PBR.

Back in my day, when athletes took a knee, they took a knee. Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.

The Daytona 500 versus the Indianapolis 500, a real race war.

There is a statue of George Rogers at Williams-Brice. USC: Put a statue of A’ja Wilson at Colonial Life Arena.

Having the FIFA World Cup in the United States is like having the World Series in Argentina.

How the hell can FIFA expect Americans to watch the World Cup when the national cornhole championship is on ESPN?

Shouldn’t Beyoncé pay to fix USC’s football field?

I bleed USC garnet and black. I guess I have an infection.

Food on the Brain

I had a great Thanksgiving meal. The pumpkin spice asparagus was amazing.

My definition of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of beer and a potato.

My New Year’s resolution was to try chitlins and liver and onions.

Speaking of guys with big onions, apparently President McCheese has a beef with the fake Wall Street Journal. After it was reported that he showered lettuce on the porn star Stormy Daniels for squirting special sauce on her sesame seed buns, he’s got to be hoping that his hot tomato wife doesn’t cut off his pickle.

I want to lose weight, so I sleep until 1 in the afternoon so I won’t eat breakfast or lunch.

Many people want a Zaxby’s restaurant in Five Points. Uh, isn’t there a Chick-fil-A across the street?

Oh lordy, lordy, look at all the ironic hipsters flocking to the coffee bars and the brewpubs.

Quail are so small, when I eat chicken, I use a quail as a toothpick.

Hey, this is Mayor Benjamin, er, I mean this is the High Guy, back with another random thought of the day. Why don’t you ever see parmesan cheese in sliced form? This has been the High Guy with another random thought of the day.

When I want gas, I go to Taco Bell.

My favorite new food is barbecue crickets.

Anyone else think we’re giving Arnold Palmer a little too much credit for tea and lemonade?

I don’t recommend Ruby Tuesday.

Does anybody out there know where I can get a Philly cheesesteak that comes close to the ones Pizza Man used to serve?

You’ve Got Jokes

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

I went to the post office and asked for a single stamp. They said, “Sorry, they are all married.”

I had a colonoscopy. Everything came out all right. I’m all pooped out.

I don’t see the eclipse stamps around very much. They just faded away.

I just want you all to know I ran two times today. First, I ran out of beer, then I ran out and got some more.

I have a tight chair and extremely loose stool.

I have a bona fide husband. To my surprise, when he retired he became boner-fied all the way.

My friend Dave saw an elevator repairman. He said, “Your job must be uplifting.” The repairman said, “It does have its ups and downs.”

To anyone who’s looking for a better year than last year, your motto should be, “While I breathe, I toke.”

I murdered Snap, Crackle and Pop, Tony the Tiger and Cap’n Crunch. That makes me a cereal killer.

In honor of Groundhog Day, I had to watch my favorite Bill Murray movie, Caddyshack.

Happiness is submission to Godzilla.

Do the ends justify the memes?

Arts and Culture

Yes, I couldn’t help but notice the advertisement in Free Times for the Nutcracker ballet. I know how it got its name now, looking at the men’s leotards.

This is true: I actually have a Best of Marcel Marceau album. On both sides it’s 19 minutes of silence and one minute of applause.

I just saw William Starrett on TV. How can he go around dressed up like that, and if I do it I get arrested?

What type of music does a pussy willow prefer? Country.

I blame this all on Van Halen.

The singer Neil Diamond is retiring. I thought he retired 20 years ago.

NBT is a cult.

Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are thinking of doing an album together. That’ll be a smoky room.

Music Farm is now The Senate. I hope the senators know how to rock and roll.

Can anybody tell me why on America’s Got Talent, all four judges are not American?

This is a rant to the Colonial Life Arena. Def Leppard and Journey concert and it’s 80 degrees in here and they ran out of regular beer before the opening act finished. “Let’s Get Rocked” with no beer and “Come to You with Open (Sweaty) Arms?”

This is my impression of Jay-Z: He don’t sing as good as Beyoncé.

Your Dumb City and State

There are enough blazing lights at the abandoned nuke project to light up 50 football games. It is an extreme waste of energy, which is what I guess SCANA and its sidekicks excel at.

If only I had known what a three-ring circus the public hearing on a drive-thru at Zaxby’s in Five Points would be. Your article [“City Zoning Board Approves Drive-Thru for Zaxby’s in Five Points,” Dec. 13, 2017] on this event surely only touched the surface of the rip-roaring illogic of so many of the opponents. I just never knew Five Points needed defending from a drive-thru that many other businesses there already have. OMG, the barbarians are at the drive-thru!

Please don’t overfeed the mayor in 2018.

Hey everybody, it’s SCANA, the company too big to let it fail.

If SCANA gets a $2 billion tax write-off, the honorable thing to do would be to refund the $2 billion that customers have been paying for since 2009. How about a refund?

SCE&G just announced a new plan of action. Number one, turn down your thermostat. Number two, bend over. Number three, take it like a ratepayer.

Your cover story [Feb. 7, 2018] features Mayor (all-about-the) Benjamins on an inner-tube at Finlay Park pond? How did you Photoshop out all the homeless bathing in said pond?

The state of South Carolina needs to stop worrying about what the hell people are smoking in their house. If they are in their house and they pay taxes, they should be able to smoke marijuana. OK? They are not hurting anyone or killing anyone. They shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed by someone who doesn’t know how to mind their damn business.

Forget draining the Washington swamp: Just try draining the Richland County cesspool. You’d be neck-deep in you-know-what.

You know, it’s a real shame that Columbia’s greatest asset, its rivers, seem to really be accessible more and more only if you have money.

Hey, was that Henry McMaster or Foghorn Leghorn in a man suit?

To the developers and contractors doing the hotel project on Gervais Street: Finish it already. Messiest and longest construction site ever. The law school across the street was completed faster.

This one goes out to all the businesses in Five Points: Dick Harpootlian before Harpootlian dicks you.

Dick Harpootlian is the guy who moves in near the airport, then complains about the noise.

SCE&G, you’re some blood-sucking motherf#!kers. A thousand dollars, my ass. You need to give every SCE&G customer in this state $10,000.

All right, if Dominion doesn’t take the old nuclear plant and turn it into a new nuclear plant, then they should turn it into V.C. Summerland, an amusement park. They could build a dozen hotels around it and make it a summertime theme park.

Steve, your fellow Mayors are coming here. You gonna show them Finlay Park or our breached canal? What are your priorities, Mr. Mayor?

Yes, Trump Is Still President

What are the chances that Donald Trump would do the right thing and resign the presidency? Probably about the same chances that Richard Spencer will get an ancestry DNA test.

By no means am I defending the men who have lost their jobs due to sexual harassment. What I don’t understand is why the highest office in the nation is occupied by a man who openly made sexually harassing statements, then was elected president of the United States. Why isn’t he fired?

Go Trump! Go Trump! Seriously — Trump must go.

If Donald Trump is a testament against alcohol and drug abuse, would someone please hand me a beer and a joint.

For all the Trump haters: Get over it, his team won. If you think you have something to bitch about now, just wait until they overhaul and reform the welfare system, then you’ll really be crying.

If you can read this you’re NOT Donald Trump!

Trump’s an amazing hombre. After a grueling weekend of golf he still has enough stamina to play Lindsey Graham’s back nine with his 3-wood.

This is Donald Trump. I did not say that nasty word. I said “ship hold.” Just saying.

There may be a slight doubt as to whether Trump is a racist or not. What there is no doubt at all about is that he’s a piece of s#!t. Thank you.

Rant to all the Trump haters. Most people back in the 1800s and early 1900s also thought Albert Einstein was a nut. That is because he was SO INTELLIGENT the normal person could not comprehend what he was talking about. Comprehend, verb, understand, grasp. Look it up.

Q: Who does Donald Trump’s tan? A: Dick Dyer.

Thou shall not commit adultery. Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. So tell me, again, why Christians support Trump?

Think about it and tell the truth: Would you be able to leave home for the weekend with Trump babysitting your kids?

Trump claims that he works for the red, white and blue. Oh, sweet irony. What color is Russia’s flag?

You know, I saw Melania and Donald Trump on TV last night and I could have sworn it was Lisa and Oliver Douglas on a re-run of Green Acres.

Whether you like him or not, President Trump is trying hard to do his job. I wish everyone worked as hard.

Isn’t it ironic that the Justice Department under President Trump has become the Just ICE Department?

This is Buzz Lightyear. Where can I apply for the Space Force?

Did you know that BMW will probably start shipping jobs back to Germany a little bit at a time, because of the tariffs? How do you like it now?

Kanye and Donye is a match made in heaven. Or hell.

Gendered Issues

All right, men. Don’t get caught reckless eyeballing or you might wind up in the news.

Viola Davis reminds us that no one can be surprised to hear about sexual harassment and abuse of women. And she told it best when she said the predators can choose their sins but they can’t choose their consequences.

As far as sexual harassment goes, whatever happened to a good, old fashioned knee to the groin?

From now on, women can ask for my phone number and ask to take me out and take me to dinner. I ain’t taking no more chances.

As a male growing up in construction I have been just approached by too many women and they took advantage of me. I loved it. That’s why I won’t tell on them. #doitagain

(Male voice) OK, repealing Roe v. Wade? I’m sorry, but here it is: No uterus, no opinion.

I wonder where is this #MeToo movement for male victims like Terry Crews? You bash men saying all men are evil, but you don’t want to call all men victims. Bet y’all won’t print this.

Free Times!

Finally discovered what Free Times is good for: fire starter.

Sorry, Free Times, you have totally lost your street cred. Looks like the tail (advertising department) is wagging the dog (investigative journalism) and you are all fluff and spit now. Where is City Paper when you need them?

This is a rant to all the yuppie pussies that put out the Free Times. Why do you have to have a cover showing somebody making a cappuccino? [Jan. 24, 2018] Whatever happened to black coffee?

Free Times will call any sort of garbage serious art as long as it’s sensational, s#!tty and safely left wing.

Well, if Trump wants to Make America Great Again, he could start with quality control. Let’s get that done here at Free Times. Let’s get your paper folded in the middle, and not opposite. Get the sections even.

Free Times, why did you show a picture of the mattress in my neighborhood where the hoochie mamas do their business?

“Could a Democrat Be Elected Governor in South Carolina?”! [cover story, May 9, 2018] Governor Riley and Governor Hodges?!?? Granted that was decades ago. But. It happened. The true headline is: “Does Free Times’ liberal bias hurt its readership !???” Conservatives rule. Liberals drool.

Hey, can you start printing the Free Times on 2-ply paper, at least? It’s just too uncomfortable and takes too many wipes to get clean on your current stock.

This paper has gone to hell. It’s the worst I’ve ever seen. It’s terrible. It’s upside down and not professional. It’s gotten worse and worse and worse. It needs to be changed at the top, I guess, and washed out throughout. It is just pitiful.

Hey, Free Times, you took away the horoscopes again.

[In reference to “Reckoning: Charleston Apologized for Slavery. Should Columbia?”] The front page of your July 11 issue is inflammatory, racist and counter-productive.

The Crime Blotter would be much better reading without the sophomoric bylines.

Ranting About Roads

I keep thinking we are great again but when I drive on these roads I think I’m in the Third World.

I thought Mayor Steve Benjamin let the railroad companies know they can’t be blocking the intersections at rush hour, during peak hours. Really? I’m sitting down here today, on a Friday, and I’ve been here 25 minutes stuck behind a train.

Note to self while driving southbound on I-95 from South of the Border to just north of the I-20 turn-off: Perhaps we should suggest to the SCDOT that some of that increased gas tax money could be used to resurface this washboard roadway. It’s an embarrassment to anyone who calls South Carolina home.

Leesburg Road is finally getting some attention. They’ve filled in about three potholes of about 300.

Road Work Ahead signs everywhere on the roads, but no one’s working.

I’m gonna order a couple of Domino’s pizzas, because I have two potholes in front of my house.

Personal Problems

I want to rant. Every time I go to Tin Roof I get really f#!king hammered. I can’t control myself. It happens every time. Do I like it? No. I spend a lot of money and I regret my bad decisions the next morning.

There was a fire recently at Platinum Plus. I guess I have to find a new place to eat lunch.

Well, I guess I’m bisexual? Every time I ask a woman for sex, she replies, “Bye.”

The reason I have a hard time enunciating is because I just had my fourth Elysian Space Dust. Enough said.

I have been celibate for 11 years, one month and one week. I’m ready to explore, but I’m attached to my virginity. What should I do?

Odds and Ends

In Forbidden Planet, the Krell invented a machine that could instantly make anything you happened to think of. In doing so they unwittingly released monsters from the id that ultimately destroyed them all. All we needed was social media.

Shoutout to Tom DeLonge from Blink-182 for releasing his videos of UFOs through his organization To the Stars Academy of Arts and Sciences. I think these UFOs were invented by the Nazis in the Second World War. It’s very real technology and I think it should be studied. It also needs to be brought to light who’s actually behind it. You need to look up Operation High Jump and Operation Paper Clip if you’re not familiar with those.

My two-year-old be bad as hell until I turn on the vacuum cleaner.

Re-elect Grover Cleveland. I know he’s dead, but you’d get plenty of big business and gerrymandering.

Craigslist personals are gone? Damn, I guess I am going to have to go out to meet freaks.

I believe in unicorns and Bigfoot.

Do not talk politics or Beyoncé on the first date.

Do aliens have constipation?

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