Best of Rant & Rave, Vol. 8

  • 15 min to read

I’ve never met a Free Times reader who didn’t feel something about Rant & Rave.

The paper’s weekly compendium of short, anonymous comments submitted by anyone about (with some light filtering) anything has existed since 2007. And since then it’s been a forum for largely passionate thoughts — some serious, some less than — and those passionate thoughts elicit passionate responses, many of which also land in Rant & Rave.

This list looks to tease out the major themes that ran through those comments during the past 10 or so months — thoughts about the president and the divided state of our country, kvetches about the state of our roads and the people driving on them, attempts at jokes and shots fired at Free Times and the Rant & Rave.

Take a look. And keep the rants and raves coming. — Jordan Lawrence

Trump Still Reigns

Hey, exciting news, I just received the menu from a recent Donald Trump cabinet meeting. There’s crackers, white toast, mayo, cottage cheese, vanilla pudding and one white chocolate bar.

I pray to God that Trump stops these caravans from coming into the United States. These illegal aliens. I mean, we have to protect this country that we robbed and stole and raped and killed the Indians for.

If Trump had been president in the 1930s, guess which European leader he would have held in high regard.

Why do they want to come here anyway? Aren’t they scared of the Orange Man, too?

Just because Donald Trump looks like a cat using the cat box doesn’t mean it’s a cover-up.

I have an honest question concerning Donald Trump: Is he sane?

The Platinum West ad for Stormy Daniels’ appearance stated that any patron who dressed like Trump would be admitted for half price. Did that mean dressed like Trump for the G20 or dressed like Trump during his dalliance with Stormy?

Donald Trump gets his governing skills from Michael Scott of The Office.

There was a time when our presidential leaders used to try to guide the people toward altruism. Now our president leads the people toward untruism.

Trump is so hated by the media that if he found a cure for cancer the headlines would read, “Trump puts doctor and nurses out of business.” Thank you.

The president invited the Clemson football team to the White House for dinner and served them McDonald’s and Wendy’s hamburgers. Not even the president respects Clemson. Dammit, man.

The president forgot Arby’s and Zaxby’s. Yeah.

Focus this image in your mind’s eye: Snoopy atop his dog house, doing his vulture routine. Now imagine Trump daydreaming about the health of Justice Ginsburg.

If Obama had just done a fraction of what Trump has done, right wingers would have stormed the White House and tarred and feathered Obama. But if it’s Trump, it’s OK.

Coming this summer, a Donald Trump film, The Gangs of New York. Rated MS-13.

[singing] Donald Trump is a piece of s#!t, he’s a human breathing piece of s#!t. Yeah!

I had a dream Trump declared war so he could get re-elected and our nation refused to do it.

I’m thoroughly convinced now that had Putin became Trump’s little buddy, one of two things would’ve happened: Trump and Putin would’ve ruled the planet but unbeknownst to us or Putin would’ve ended up begging the KGB to please use a nerve toxin on himself because he could not stand to listen to another boast not one more day.

I wonder if Trump is keeping as trophies the innocent dead children at the border alongside the trophies of African animals that his narcissistic offspring have slain.

Our Divided Nation and State

No matter how scary global warming is, the government still can’t control the weather. But they will be glad to tax you more so they can try.

Dick Harpootlian going to the Legislature to root out corruption is like Bill Clinton going to Las Vegas to root out sin.

This SCANA mess with the Legislature kind of reminds me of the classic rock song “Addicted to Love.” You know, the light’s on, but you’re not home.

It’s 2019 and we’re still playing Monopoly with our electric company? Hey Dominion, why don’t you kiss our ass and go away?

Here is something to be grateful for this holiday season: Harpo in the Senate. We will not have to wait for New Year’s or the 4th of July for the fireworks to begin. I am so excited.

Well, Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives, I have only one question: If you are on the left, do you wipe your ass with your left hand? If you are on the right, do you wipe your ass with your right hand?

The #MeToo movement has gotten so out of hand that the surgeon general was reprimanded for touching his privates.

I have a dream that someday people will not be judged by the color of their skin but the contents of their garage.

Blame this! Blame that! Blame the next one! Blame the last one! Blame the other one! Blame forward! Blame backward! Blame left! Blame right! We’ve got a Blamer-in-Chief in the White House. What use is that?

SCE&G and Dominion Energy should name the “new” company Flustercuck, Incorporated. And the PSC should be renamed the Pussywhipped Service (Non) Commission! The Legislature and the governor just flat out screwed the “utility” ratepayers over and over by allowing graft and corruption. But that’s nothing new in this state, now is it?

Just Us Cafe went from Zero to “We Can’t Be Racist, We Have Black Employees” in 3.2 seconds. What kind of mileage does that vicious cycle get?

What is so special about our southern border? Troublemakers and terrorists and tricky people can come into the USA at our northern border too. How much will it be for a wall between USA and Canada?

Border wall? The earth don’t need no stinking border wall.

I guess back in 1609 the Native Americans should have built a wall.

Mitch McConnell is the biggest ass kisser in history. I don’t think there is enough mouthwash on the planet to wash the foul taste out of his mouth.

If you want to be an American citizen, you have to go through the steps. First you have to be slave. Then after being a slave you have to be a sharecropper. Then after being a sharecropper, you are still going to be poor and disenfranchised, but you are still going to be a citizen. You shouldn’t need $10,000 in grants to help you become a citizen.

We’re past 30 days on the government shutdown. Well, there’s always Uber.

Excluding the killers, rapists, thieves and crooks, y’all got a lot of good people locked up. Let half of them free and you will see a much better world, hopefully.

Yeah, socialism is just another tool for parasites. Thank you.

South Carolina: the state that could not even succeed at secession.

Bisexual, bipolar, bicameral, bicycle. I’m so sick of things that swing both ways.

It’s been pretty chilly this week, but just think how cold it would have been if we didn’t have global warming.

This is a rant to all of the politicians: All of you are sellouts. All of you. You’re honest until you ask “How much?”

If white privilege is such a big advantage, how come Elizabeth Warren claimed to be a Cherokee Indian to get a job a Harvard Law School?

Everybody, I mean everybody, whether you believe God created the world or whether you believe it was just a big bang and we just all happened, we know one thing: It made all of us. Shouldn’t we reach out and teach each other without having to put each other through pain.

Poor, poor Lori Laughlin. She should have done what a lot of her other peers were doing and that is send her daughters to Trump University.

I’ve got a rave to the people of South Carolina: Boy, y’all sure know how to endure.

Why on earth are there firearm ads plastered all over the Columbia airport? That’s like advertising candy bars in a weight loss clinic, or ladders on the inside of the Berlin Wall, or any number of other examples where someone encourages the purchasing of the very thing you’re trying to keep out.

When the Confederate flag came down, there was a huge turnout. Race relations haven’t improved one damn bit. The teachers rally at the State House had a monumental turnout. And guess what? Education in this state is not going to improve one damn bit.

Why don’t we get rid of all the teachers and have Uber home school them? Hell, they are taking over everything else. Why not that, too?

If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress is the opposite of progress.

Let’s get Five Points back to the way it was, with a bunch of empty storefronts and zero economic development.

Waking up on the West Coast is awful. Takes at least half an hour of reading to figure out what I should be mad about.

The one thing I’ve figured out about climate change: From listening to the Democrats, it sounds like the cure is worse than the disease.

Next year please rename the “Best Gun Shop” category in your Best Of Columbia contest to “Best Murder Supply Store.”

Dick Harpootlian is a state Senator. Is he still the mayor of Five Points?

If South Carolina is getting too liberal for you, you can always leave.

Food on the Brain

Instead of turkey or ham on Thanksgiving Day, I had quail. I ate five of them. I still wasn’t even full.

Captain D’s. The Taste of the Coast. What coast? Kansas? Nevada?

My friends and I went to Seawell’s. It’s an excellent buffet, but the price went from $10 to $11. Come on, man. Yeah.

This is a shoutout to the nighttime cooks at the Irmo Lizard’s Thicket. You guys are great. And for those of you who work doubles on Sundays, keep on hanging in there. We love you.

My co-workers were disgusted when I said I liked putting Cheez Whiz on my grits.

OMG. LaBrasca’s Pizza is better than sex. That stuff is so good. Thank you.

Why did somebody have to invent green bean casserole?

Someone wonderful paid for a meal for me and my family and I want to say thank you. I paid it forward for someone else as well. Happy 2019 to everyone. May we all be blessed.

I ordered 300 hamburgers but I’m going to say I ordered 1,000 hamburgers. Why? It just sounds better, y’all.

I don’t understand refried beans. If you fried them correctly the first time, you wouldn’t have to refry them, right?

You’re a straight up loser if you complain to McDonald’s headquarters about them getting an order wrong. Only snitch ass cops do that and should not be trusted. “Middle finger emoji”

Chick-fil-A doesn’t let you fill your own cup because they’re not pro-choice.

I don’t want your cute leafy greens in my Greek salad. I want ICEBERG. Shout out to Hampton Place Cafe for being among the few that get it right.

It amazes me, people in all these buildings all over Columbia will go to lunch and leave the watchman sitting on duty and everything and everybody comes back and won’t even bring him a biscuit or nothing. All the watching he is doing, looking out for them. The least they could do is bring him a chicken leg or a something.

Smoke from the Clyburn Fish Fry drifted over the river and over my home in West Columbia. It smelled like bulls#!t.

Bad Drivers on Bad Roads

As far as fixing the damn roads, South Carolina will never fix these damn roads, and they’ll never give you any money back if your car is damaged, either. Really people?

If I repaint all of the missing lines on our roads, can I get reimbursed?

It is Thursday. 5:37 in the afternoon. I’d like to thank the engineers from DOT for screwing up all the traffic lights. The traffic trying to get out of the city is two miles back from the stoplight they’ve messed up at Forest Drive and Trenholm Road.

When is someone going to fix the gigantic cavernous “pothole” (sinkhole really, several cubic yards, I kid you not) in a lane of Gregg Street near Washington Street. A steel plate has been over it since I reported it THREE YEARS AGO!

How can there be so many s#!tty drivers in one city? Why aren’t the laws enforced?

I’m so damn sick of these drivers in Columbia. They drive horribly. We have the worst drivers in the nation. There’s no f#!king police presence. It’s f#!king horrible. I hate driving in this city.

Yeah, everyone should use turn signals, but if you hit someone because they didn’t use one, you’re following too closely anyway.

Since apps are so popular, and drivers utilize their phones while driving, how about an app for turn signals? Just press the app instead of going to the trouble of signaling. Get the most out of that phone! How about an app to let you know the light is green?

Remind me again where in the drivers training manual it says that all slow drivers move to the extreme left lane?

The whole state is Malfunction Junction.

Why is the city paralyzed by trains every day? We love trains and we need trains but please upgrade your track locations, Columbia. This is the 21st century. Get with it.

When people drive on 77, they think the speed limit is 77. Yeah.

With all the rain lately shouldn’t we rename Five Points? Let’s call it Flood Points.

You’ve Got Jokes

My wife went to Utah to take a class to improve her job skills as a nail technician. She nailed it.

When it comes to disease, vampires prefer Ebola.

I came up with a new challenge: The urinal cake challenge. But, uh, at least try it with new ones.

Hey, did you call me? Barenaked Ladies are next in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and I can’t talk.

[Calls right back] So, there weren’t any bare-naked ladies in Barenaked Ladies.

How do I know Jesus isn’t black? Because my mother has a picture of him, and he looks just like Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.

My wife said, “Are you going to an ugly Christmas sweater contest?” I said, “You bought this for me last Christmas.”

My proctologist’s name is Dr. Hook.

My friend made some kangaroo meat. He felt a little jumpy.

Every morning I see if my newspaper has my obituary. If it doesn’t, I eat breakfast.

My New Year’s resolution is to get all pets and my cousins spayed and neutered.

Clowns taste funny.

On Groundhog Day I had to do my yearly ritual and watch the movie Caddyshack.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long? Pi-thon.

My best friends name their children names of places they were conceived in. They have a son named Motel 6 and a daughter named Super 8.

I had five wisdom teeth taken out. Yeah, I said five. I lost all my wisdom.

I am going to give up drinking, gambling and masturbation all at the same time. Mainly, I only have two hands.

Spurs Up

National ranking of USC salary bill for football coaches: No. 5. Why is the team unranked?

So can we please stop celebrating the Clemson game like we won it? Yes, Jake had a great game. We still gave up 56 points and lost. Have we really sunk to this point that we’re just going to celebrate good losses?

What’s up with Deebo not playing in the dadgum game? I’m going to yell insults at him.

All you people talk about the Chicken Curse. Well the Chicken Curse just struck again. They’re going to let Will Muschamp stay until 2024. It wouldn’t be a Chicken Curse if you guys would spend a little money to hire a better coach.

Just got back from being overseas and asked my neighbor “What’s new, local sports wise?” He replied, “Remember how Vandy used to be the bottom dweller in SEC college football? Well there is a new local competitor for that spot.”

The only “chicken curse” there is is the belief that there is one. It goes along with the myth that astrology really means anything.

How ridiculous it is to concede “USC” to the West Coast. “U of SC” ain’t gonna cut it! This side of the Mississippi we are The USC, however it is presented.

USC got shut out against Virginia about as much as I get shut out of Rant and Rave.

Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to change the logo from USC to SUC?

The USC women won the SEC tennis title. What a racket.

This is a rave to all the USC women’s sports: They are awesome. Best year ever for women’s sports. Yeah.

I was shut out of Rant and Rave last week. I felt like the Gamecock football team. Yeah.

The shameful way the new USC president was bullied into office makes me an ex-Gamecock fan. The State House has no business choosing a candidate, let alone strongarming the board to choose a Trump crony.

The little USC flowers are raging.

Free Times Sucks?

I am no longer going to purchase anything from any of your advertisers until you bring the horoscope back. I bet you won’t print this.

The headline in your newspaper in Dec. 5 referred to “Our Dumb State,” meaning South Carolina. I was once arrested for smuggling books into South Carolina, but got off on a technicality. No one in South Carolina could prove they were books.

Big rant to Free Times. I’ve gone to two Free Times-sponsored parties now and each time the band was from out of state. You guys can do better; there’s a lot of great talent here.

Bring back Free Will Astrology. You are ruining my life. I have to get my friends in Asheville take pictures of it cause I don’t have internet.

The heck with the astrology kooks, bring back the reality forecaster, Tom Tomorrow’s This Modern World.

Dan Cook is playing with Lay Quiet Awhile? Hootie is touring? James Scott is reviewing movies, August Krickel is reviewing plays, Kevin Oliver is reviewing music, and the Free Times is only 32 pages? Hey 1992 just called, and wants its paper back.

I agree. Bring back This Modern World. But also Free Will Astrology. If you must lose something, do so. Crime Blotter could go. It’s depressing. And the Star does it already.

How can any publisher or editor let the absurd bylines in your Crime Blotter go to press? You must have a very low opinion of your readership if you consider that moronic trash as amusing to the people that patronize your advertisers.

Every time I get drunk, Free Times gets a bunch of free stuff to publish. Y’all should be buying my drinks.

I usually read Free Times from back to front.

Why is the Free Times now the Post and Courier Free Times? I thought it was the Columbia Free Times.

I’m really hoping that the FT purchase will do something about this lame ass Rant and Rave. Spam, spam, spam.

Uh, I guess I have to go to Charleston to get the Columbia Free Times.

I can’t wait to get the next Free Times to see what the Cool Care dog is wearing. Awwwwwww!!!!

Rants about Rant

Ahhh, the “That ____ Guys” of Rant and Rave. Angry people with things on their mind who can’t get any followers on real social media.

Sometimes I get shut out of the Rant and Rave section. I get shut out so much, my friends call me the Dallas Cowboys.

Rant and Rave is like Twitter with a condom.

I kid you not but you can tell there are different people in charge of Rant and Rave week to week and last week’s editor sucked! Weed out the short and moronic and print some legit rants that made the Free Times fly out of the racks! I think whoever writes Crime Blotter was somehow involved. Seriously, copy and post!

If you don’t print everything I said, then you’re not real.

I love the new advertisement in the back of the Free Times next to Rant and Rave. Order toll-free drugs. Problem is I don’t see any real good drugs there, like opioids. What the eff? Where they at? Have a nice day.

The entire Free Times is dedicated to anti-Trump material. It is especially true for the Rant and Rave. I just don’t believe how many idiots in this country don’t realize they are well-off. Bye.

After reading Rant and Rave today it seems that the folks at Free Times (and I hope I’m wrong ) have lost the ability to be objective in what it is posting in Rant and Rave and have joined the ranks of the liberal media in this country! Is it that you only get left-leaning Rant and Raves (which is hard to believe) or are those the only ones getting posted? HMMMMM. Signed: Inquiring Minds

Odds and Ends

My interpretation of the lyrics from the band Garrow at Art Bar Saturday night: I watched the sun die / I watched the world die / I watched their hearts die / I wished you were here / We all need to die / I wear a cardigan.

I can’t tell the difference between the modern adventure films and video games. They look the same to me on TV.

Hey, I’m just curious, but how many news reports do we see about crazed marijuana junkies robbing or stealing or killing?

You just can’t go and do acid. You just can’t go and do cocaine. Y’aint strong enough for that s#!t. Smoke your blunt.

There’s something new in wedding dresses. They are made with pockets now so the bride can have her phone on her while she is getting married. If her phone is that important, maybe she should marry the phone instead of the groom.

When I play the game Fortnite, I like when they do the Carlton dance.

History shows Adolf Hitler used crystal meth. That sounds about right.

It’s funny that our New Year’s celebration is still called “Famously Hot.” It should have evolved with our new branding. Call it the “Real Southern New Year.” #RSNY

Good god, look at all the cops. State cops, local cops, campus cops, county cops. This town is lousy with cops.

Charmin toilet paper commercials are repulsive.

I was just wondering: What would it be like if the sky was yellow and the sun was blue?

So many men listen to podcasts on the toilet. Maybe they should be called “pot-casts.”

I go to a church in Five Points. It’s called Group Therapy.

I don’t know and I don’t care what the laws are. If your drone is flying over my property, I will shoot it down.

I don’t want to share your vanilla vape cloud with you! And if you were using that thing correctly there wouldn’t be any cloud at all.

Godzilla is NOT dead.

I have to rave about beards. These are mighty fine days with beards in fashion. They are mostly great and distinguished and classy and handsome. If you are a guy with a red beard, it’s a double rave for you.

Who is spookier: John Malkovich, Kevin Spacey, or Christopher Walken?

Yeah sex is cool but has Rudy Mancke ever called you up to talk about snakes?

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