Imagine if there were camps for moms

Laura McGregor is guest columnist.

Every spring, parents are inundated with pamphlets, brochures and Internet offerings that tout the virtues of camps of all size and manner. The goal of these programs is to stimulate children’s minds and bodies during the long summer months.

“We must avoid the dreaded backslide in math and reading skills that accompanies the rising temperatures,” shouts this endless literature. I, however, have come up with a better idea: “Camp for Moms.”

Don’t waste countless hours worrying if Jimmy is still going to be reading above grade level in August! Why trouble over whether Katie will still be counting on her fingers when seventh grade commences?

Mothers of Charleston: Enroll in a camp of your very own. All transportation (for moms) and childcare are included in the below “offerings.”

Book Club Camp: Don’t fret over your child’s reading ability; instead, embrace your own!

What woman wouldn’t love to lounge poolside with a stack of current adult fiction and magazines? There will be no water rings atop the most recent issues of People, Town & Country, and Vogue. The pages of “The Girl on the Train” will not be stuck together by some suspect substance.

When you register for this camp, you list your reading tastes and dietary preferences. Upon arrival, you discover all of your specifications have been met. Your favorite beverage sits on a coaster within arm’s reach. It is offered in a crystal glass, not a plastic cup that has someone’s illegible initials scribbled on it. You don’t have to share or let someone else have “just a sip.”

Should you wish to take a break in your literary celebration, simply plunge into the salt water pool, or sashay over to the masseuse’s hut.

Movie Camp: Children are ferreted to G-rated fare all summer; now it’s time to put an adult twist on this day camp staple.

At registration, you indicate which movie genre you prefer; for example: “Foreign Films,” “Academy Award Winners,” “Chick Flicks,” or “Cult Classics.” Each day, you view treasures such as Federico Fellini’s best, “Legally Blonde” and its sequels, “American Beauty,” “Fargo” and “The Big Lebowski.”

Unhappy with your selection? Merely snap your fingers and a fresh flick appears on-screen. Accompanying your movie viewing are, again, adult beverages and heavy hors d’oeuvres. You will not be interrupted by bathroom breaks at critical points in the film. Also avoided are sugar-induced temper tantrums.

Fashion Camp: Shop at leisure among Charleston’s finest boutiques.

You list your preferred dress size and style upon registration. Once camp begins, you are chauffeured to the perfect shops based upon your taste. Every article of clothing fits and flatters you in your preferred size. No other customer stands directly between you and the rack of dresses you wish to inspect. Most miraculous are the dressing room mirrors. Those flabby upper arms are now sleekly sculpted. Dimply thighs have vanished. There are no glaring sales people treating you like a suspect shopper; instead, they cater to your every desire.

Are you a little too sleepy from parenting to go through the hassle of trying on mountains of clothing? These wonder workers will actually dress you as you catch a few winks, and then awaken you (gently) to see the finished product. A generous stipend is provided to avoid unpleasant “Visa surprises” on September’s credit card statement.

Culinary Camp: Sounds like a learning-to-cook camp, doesn’t it?

Every mom knows how to stir up her children’s favorite food staples: “mac ‘n’ cheese” out of the box; chicken pieces, pre-breaded and straight from the freezer, sculpted into cute shapes; or the perennial favorite, peanut butter and jelly.

This camp is something else. Instead of serving, you are served. Based upon your tastes, you partake of the finest foods and beverages. Do you love seafood? Freshly caught shrimp is paired with the perfect wine. Are you a meat-and-potatoes type? Enjoy delectable filet mignon and sip silky bordeaux. Similar to “Fashion Camp,” a large calorie stipend is allowed to preclude bathroom scale upsets.

These camps are reward for long hours you have toiled during the school year. The biggest reward, however, is returning to your family, reinvigorated and ready to resume your status as “Super Mom.”

Laura McGregor is a native of Mount Pleasant. She and her husband have four children, ages 10 to 20. She practices law part-time. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, writing short stories and antiquing.