It’s a great day in South Carolina, y’all. That’s because (a) we got the Volvo plant, (b) the Stingrays got their win to advance to the ECHL Eastern Conference finals and (c) pretty boy Tom Brady got a nice swift kick in his rear with his four-game suspension in response to the Super Bowl “Deflate-gate” scandal.
It is most decidedly not because of (d) last night’s ninth episode of Bravo’s second season of “Southern Charm.” I can’t say that I haven’t embarrassed myself a time or two at a dinner party — I am oftentimes encouraged to drink my wine from a plastic glass. But what I witnessed last night flat-out takes the cake. Thank the sweet Lord that they did it on Georgia soil.
Landon invited the crew to her hometown of Jekyll Island, Ga., for a weekend of croquet, some dinner parties and overall hanging out. She wants everyone to chill without a lot of drama. Bless her heart. “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry,” so says the Scottish poet.
It was a bit of foreshadowing when Craig called Whitney for a ride and Whitney tells him he’s already heading down I-95 or he would turn around and get him. But Whitney isn’t on the interstate. He’s in his room. Packing. He could have just blown into the phone and said that he was in a tunnel and couldn’t hear him. That’s what I do. I mean, I know people that have done that.
So Craig is left to ride with Cameran and Shep. Poor thing. He just got back from Delaware with Whitney and Shep, where he received a full-on intervention from the two. Cameran and Shep had already discussed Craig on the way over — Shep feels like Craig’s life is a facade and he’s got so many lies and justifications and it ticks him off. Cameran advises Shep that tough love is the way to go and Shep is excited about the opportunity to slap Craig around a little bit. Enter Shepistotle on steroids. Craig totally gets railroaded and while he’s trying to explain himself, Shep just keeps interrupting with his sage wisdom. Finally, Craig tells Shep to go do something to himself that I can’t put in print.
New besties Kathryn and Jenn ride down together and Kathryn is going in to the weekend with high hopes that everything will be peaceful. She knows that Whitney will try to push her buttons, but if he does, she says, she’ll just have to “lay down the law.” And boy does she ever. But that comes later.
Side note: Thomas cannot attend the weekend’s festivities because he’s on the campaign trail. At a gay pride rally. Yes, that’s what I said.
When Cameran, Shep and Craig roll up to the hotel/resort/clubhouse in Jekyll, the two men go on a hilarious tirade as to the seemingly “elder” status of the population:
One of us is going to hook up with a 40-year-old, Craig says. Multiply that by two, Shep says. Craig thought it was going to be like Spring Break on an island with bars and DJs, but these people are old — they got tricked into visiting a retirement home. Shep observes that everyone there is on their last leg. Craig hasn’t seen one person without a cane. Shep says it’s a convalescence home, that it’s Heaven’s waiting room. I only took offense at Craig’s disgust at 40-year-olds. Haters gonna hate.
Their first stop is at the bar, where Landon apologizes in advance to the bartender, Craig orders a scotch and Shep asks for a triple. Landon, trying to be the perfect hostess, asks if they want to go on a trolley ride. Crickets.
Do they want to play croquet? Crickets.
They finally agree to go on a bike ride and when Cameran calls it “bikin’ and boozin’,” you know it’s going to go downhill fast. Y’all. More like an avalanche. They plan to head to the beach, but can’t seem to agree on which direction to go. You’d think Landon would know, but if she said anything, we would have lost a whole 10-minute storyline. Typically, Shep says one way and Craig says another, and what follows is the dumbest pissing contest between two drunk babies that I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
The snazzy dinner comes next. Whitney has avoided everyone all day and Cameran rightly says that he’s “emerged from his tomb.” Shep is already talking about how he has “Craig fatigue.” Craig tries to make a toast, but Shep tells him to hush and tuck in his shirt. Craig, affronted, loses his nerve and sits back down.
Everyone tries to encourage him, but he says he’ll do it later because he has to get all pumped up again. There’s a rallying cry from all for Craig to make his toast. Shep tells him to just do it because he’s already wasted everyone’s time.
I don’t know how many triples Shep had by then, but he is totally oblivious to all the hairy eyeballs being thrown in his direction.
Craig finally makes his toast, which is thoughtful and sweet, but then Shep has to immediately stand up and make his own toast. And Kathryn starts to suck her teeth again.
The table talk then turns to the topic of Thomas and his campaign. Kathryn says she’s not allowed to attend events anymore and she’s over it. Craig is openly supportive of Kathryn and you can tell that everyone is a little confused by their high-fives and “we’ve got each other’s backs” talk.
JD doesn’t talk to Thomas much anymore and won’t talk to him until he’s back to the Thomas he knows. Politics brings out the worst in people, JD says, and he misses “fun Thomas.”
Whitney, on the other hand, says he talks to Thomas about once a week. Kathryn is not surprised — she thinks Whitney is a puppet master, so of course he’s behind the scenes, she says. Craig again starts to praise Kathryn and what all she’s done for Thomas. Whitney scoffs and Shep rolls his eyes. And there is still a half-hour or so to go in the episode.
Some of them move to the porch to continue drinking and smoke cigars. Jenn tries to defend Kathryn, telling everyone that she’s just trying to fit in with everyone without Thomas. Craig asks what they can do to make Kathryn feel better. Whitney, not at all into this whole Coach Craig thing, wants to know when Craig all of a sudden became Kathryn’s confidante. Whitney calls him disingenuous because just one year prior, he was calling her an opportunist and an operator. Craig says that everything changed when they had the baby.
And then Kathryn enters the scene. Um. How shall I put this?
Kathryn starts pointing all up in Whitney’s face and she gets all crazy-eyed. Like huge Spongebob Squarepants eyeballs.
She tells him that he’s caused so much stress in her relationship with Thomas. He thinks he’s so above everyone else but he’s scum, she says. He says that Thomas tells him everything and it’s not a flattering portrayal of her. He says her heart is a black space with a dollar sign in it. Whitney tells her to drink some water and go to bed. Kathryn tells Whitney to go fall on a knife. So, yeah. There was that.
Kathryn stomps off, per her usual MO, and she is comforted by Jenn. And Craig. It’s hard to confirm just how much comforting Craig gave Kathryn because the next morning, all the talk is about how the two of them went on a golf cart ride. And the golf cart died. And they got lost. And they spent the night on the beach. And she was shivering. And something about how he dug a hole and covered her with branches. And they held each other all night to stay warm. Um.
Craig denies anything inappropriate happened. But Shep says that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. But that’s also going along with his admission that if he spent the night on the beach with a woman, something “nefarious” would have happened.
While they are all gossiping on the croquet court, Cameran gets a text about the most recent development with Thomas. He has been accused of assault. We now know that this is the alleged incident involving Kathryn’s best friend/stylist having the door slammed on her arm, after which she subsequently fell down the stairs (which was ultimately dismissed). JD is worried about what it means for the campaign and Whitney thinks Kathryn is purposely sabotaging it. Craig, on the other hand, is worried about Kathryn and what will happen when she sees it.
Cut to Kathryn getting the text. Her face falls. And scene.
Patricia and her butler go to Whitney and Shep’s beach house to hang curtains in the bedroom because “light is the enemy.” She asks if there’s any gin, but there’s only vodka and tequila. “No thank you,” she says. “I’m not going to lower my standards.”
The election results come in and at the watch party, Kathryn tries to assuage Thomas, he tells her not to make a scene, Landon tells Kathryn to stop being conceited and always making things about her, and then Kathryn flips the bird and tells her to well, you can guess.
SHEP’S BEST ADVICE TO CRAIG ABOUT WORKING: “Don’t tell me no one has choices. This isn’t North Korea.”
EVIDENCE OF KATHRYN’S TRUST ISSUES WITH WHITNEY: “ ‘Good Whitney’ is a fleeting person and doesn’t stay very long. He’s always orchestrating something behind your back.”
EVIDENCE OF SHEP’S “CRAIG FATIGUE”: “He’s so broke, he can’t even pay attention.”
HOW CRAIG DEFENDS HIMSELF AGAINST SHEP: “I let myself be vulnerable in Delaware and now he wants to berate me all the time. Now that he knows I can bleed, he wants to make me bleed even more.”
JENN’S TIP ON HOW TO GO THROUGH LIFE: “We will act happy and people will treat us happy.”
AWKWARD TOAST MOMENT: Shep toasts Delaware and Craig says it’s the first time he’s taken a 47-year-old man home to mom. Hopefully it won’t be the last, Shep retorts. And then he thanks Craig for the hospitality. And the crabs.
LANDON’S TAKE ON THE SHEP-CRAIG DYNAMIC: “Shep is the meaner, older brother who will crush your soul.”
KATHRYN’S RESPONSE TO WHITNEY REFERRING TO HER DESIRE FOR THOMAS’ MONEY: “You really think I’m a gold digger? I’m wearing Target pants.”
WHEN YOUR MOM DOESN’T LIKE YOUR HOUSE DECOR: “It reminds me of the Red Lobster restaurant.” - Patricia about Whitney and Shep’s beach house.
FAMOUS LAST WORDS: “This day could not get any worse.” - Craig, just before the assault charge text comes through.