For those that were looking for things to get a little unhinged, last night’s penultimate episode of the second season of Bravo’s “Southern Charm” didn’t disappoint. I’m talking mental breakdowns, crying, yelling, bird-flipping and pity parties. There was even a really weird salsa-dancing lesson.
Last week’s episode ended with Kathryn and the crew discovering that Thomas had been charged with assaulting Kathryn’s best friend/stylist. To be clear, the alleged event didn’t occur while they were all in Jekyll Island during filming. The story was published while they were down there. In real time, Kathryn was present during the incident.
Cameran rightly labels the situation DEFCON 4. Everyone knows that this is going to hit the fan faster than Dale Jr. at Talladega. JD suggests taking Kathryn’s phone before she sees the message, but nope ... that would just be poor television.
Kathryn is on the phone with Thomas and here’s the breakdown:
Kathryn: “This isn’t cool, Thomas.” Eats some Cheetos. “This could ruin your campaign.” Eats some more Cheetos.
Thomas: “We have to stand together on this ... I need you to come home.”
Kathryn: Waves some Cheetos around. “I have your back.” Eats more Cheetos.
Everybody splits as to whether Kathryn should cut the vacation short or stay in Jekyll and partake in a group dance lesson.
Cameran: “You don’t stay and take dance lessons when there’s a legal case looming with your partner... I would be catatonic if this had happened to me.” She can only think that Kathryn is in complete and utter denial.
Jenn says Kathryn will stay because “she doesn’t process things like an adult and it won’t sink in.”
Craig says she doesn’t need to race home just because Thomas says she has to, but admits part of him wants her to stay so he’s not the only target that’s left “for all these crazies.” He’s hoping this particular item of discussion will overshadow his spending the previous night on the beach with Kathryn and the palm fronds.
Shep is in disbelief and thinks Thomas will lose his mind that Kathryn didn’t go home. “Ignorance is bliss,” he quips.
JD agrees that Thomas will go crazy so he plans to just try and keep his head low.
Landon thinks it’s okay for Kathryn to stay. It’s Thomas’ election, not Kathryn’s, and she shouldn’t have to drop everything and be a part of it now. She compares it to her relationship with her ex-husband, who would ignore her until he needed a wife and an arm-piece. “The whole point (of this trip) is to get away from scandal,” Landon says. “It’s already in the papers so nothing can be done, so get away from real life and dance.”
Whitney’s stance should be no surprise to anyone. He is in shock that Kathryn is staying and not going home to make a sworn statement to the police and Thomas’ attorney. Particularly, it’s “stupefying” to Whitney. Is Kathryn in cahoots with the accuser? Is it a diabolical strategy? A cunning plan because Kathryn is afraid that if Thomas wins the Senate, he won’t take her with him; if she can’t have him, no one can?
And then there’s Kathryn’s decision: She doesn’t think she needs to go home. She’s tried to give Thomas love and support throughout the entire campaign and felt like she had been shunned. Now he needs her love and support the minute she tries to do something for herself. So, yeah. She stays. And learns how to dance the salsa.
Meanwhile, Thomas reacts to the situation with his campaign manger, Amy, aka Sandy Duncan. He’s obviously devastated. “Given that I do have baggage, there was no room for error,” he says. “There’s no way I’ll be able to recover from this.”
Whitney swings by to check on Thomas, who says the accusation is a “death knell to the campaign.” As for the accuser, Thomas thinks that Kathryn didn’t recognize the woman’s character for what it was. She brought trash into his house and he was trying to protect his family.
Then he said he did the Facebook post because he was hurt and angry.
Oh wait, y’all don’t know about the Facebook post yet. Thomas ended his relationship with Kathryn on Facebook. Yes, Facebook. The place where people post cat videos and pictures of their food. And for whatever reason, pictures of their feet at the beach or whatever.
Kathryn packs her car with her things from Thomas’ house and hits the road to her daddy’s house. And I would have, too. Southern girls go home to Daddy when things get rough — it’s the safest and purest place to be when you’re sad.
During her drive, there is a long montage of all the sweet, sexy, happy, loving scenes between her and Thomas from last season. I didn’t recognize the song in the background, but to give you the total effect, it was so sappy that it may as well have just been “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M.
It’s Election Day. Thomas doesn’t feel good about it. He says the assault allegations have destroyed everything and that Kathryn is a liability and not good for him.
It appears that Shep, Craig and Cameran vote for Thomas. Jenn’s been trying all day to reach Kathryn so they can go vote together, but she never gets back to her. Whitney, Thomas’ tried-and-true supporter, can’t vote for Thomas ... not because he doesn’t believe in him, but because he’s not registered to vote in South Carolina. Good thing it didn’t come down to that one vote.
That evening, Thomas hosts a polling results party at Sermet’s (where else?) and Craig and Cameran are the first to arrive. Cooper arrives in a dapper red jacket and with a “roadie.” The other cast members, I mean friends, begin to filter in — JD and Elizabeth, Danni, Shep, Landon and Patricia. Whitney arrives late, per usual. The preliminary poll results aren’t looking good for Thomas and no one is too hopeful that he can rally back for a win.
According to Shep, “It’s like a New Orleans funeral ... someone dies and you celebrate.” Thomas gave it his best shot, Shep said. Thomas wasted thousands and thousands of dollars, but the only thing to do is get stinking drunk and laugh about it, he added.
JD also believes that it needs to be a “more-than-three-bourbons kind of night.”
It’s time for Thomas’ concession speech and as Whitney is about to introduce him, Kathryn comes barreling into the room and past the podium like a bull in china cabinet. Whitney and Thomas looked dumbfounded, but the show must go on. Kathryn sits with her jaw set like fruit in a Jell-O mold and I think she even gave a golf clap at one point. Thomas thanked his friends and supporters, and then thanked Kathryn, albeit a little begrudgingly, perhaps.
There is a severely awkward moment when several of them are sitting together and Kathryn thanks Thomas for thanking her. The conversation is so forced and stilted. She’s trying to be polite and gracious and the expression on Jenn’s face is unparalleled — she’s just waiting for the verbal daggers to come out of Kathryn’s mouth and land directly in Thomas’ eyeball.
Patricia can’t believe Kathryn showed up uninvited, what with all of the scandal surrounding her. She can’t believe that anyone is that stupid. But she does add that it’s likely because Kathryn is arrogant, presumptuous and narcissistic. Talk about verbal daggers. Ouch.
Thomas goes back to his corner and sulks with Whitney, who continues to try to console him in his humiliation. Then due to what I can only assume is the effect of grain alcohol and champagne on such a petite frame, Kathryn feels the need to go check on him. “I don’t need any drama right now,” Thomas says to her.
In unclear speech, she tries to explain that she came over out of concern. He thanks her.
“I appreciate your support,” he continues.
“I’m confused,” she says.
“I appreciate your support and your tone of voice,” Thomas retorts.
After what feels like an eternity, she says, “Am I excused or something, is that what that is?” It was really painful to watch. But not as much as what happened next.
Kathryn immediately returns to the table of friends to tattle on Thomas and she begins to talk about her sacrifices. Landon, who has supported Kathryn up until now, confronts her and tells her she’s being conceited to think it’s always about her. They have this brief back-and-forth, Kathryn sets herself upon a high horse, throws insults in Landon’s face and ultimately waves her off with dramatic flair. And by flair, I mean an F-bomb and her middle finger.
Then, as per Kathryn’s MO, she stomps out. Her dutiful friend Jenn follows her and tries to be encouraging, but the tears come and Kathryn feels that Thomas thinks she’s “disposable.”
Kathryn feels betrayed and can’t accept the break-up from Thomas.
Landon confronts her mother in tears, in what may or not be a conversation about Landon’s divorce.
The cast hosts a benefit for the Wounded Warrior Project on the Yorktown at Patriots Point and there are a lot of fur coats, Shep gets way up in Craig’s grill and another confrontation between Thomas and Kathryn has him doing the stomping-out as she chases after him, hollering her tail off down the ramp. And y’all, that’s a really long ramp from the aircraft carrier to the dock. Really long.
WEIRDEST SALSA DANCING LESSON EVER: “You’re going to put your feet in a bowl of chips, like you’re eating salsa and chips. Take your right foot and dip it behind you in the salsa. But then you’ve got to come back and get another chip. Your left foot will go forward and get some guacamole. Then go back and get another chip. Cheese dip is out to the side. Twist your hip as if you’re twisting your chip into the dip.” I’m in agreement with Shep when he asks, “Why you would twist your chip?”
A SIGN YOU MAY BE IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP: “It’s like the crazy stuff never stops coming.” - Kathryn about her and Thomas.
WHAT YOUNG PEOPLE THINK ISLAND DANCING LESSONS WOULD BE: “Like twerking lessons?” Kathryn asks Craig. “No, like the cha-cha or something,” he responds.
WHEN YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER DOESN’T LIKE YOUR FRIEND: “Don’t bring him in my face, Thomas.” - Amy about Whitney swinging by the office.
WHITNEY’S NUTSHELL DESCRIPTION OF THE JEKYLL ISLAND AFTERMATH: “It’s a molotov cocktail of unpleasantness for Thomas.”
HOW CRAIG KNEW HOW TO KEEP KATHRYN SAFE AND WARM ON THE BEACH: “We didn’t count on the golf cart dying, or the phones dying. But fortunately, I’ve watched enough ‘Naked and Afraid’ to know what to do.” - Craig’s response when Whitney flat out asks Craig about having “congress” with Kathryn that night on the beach.
ELECTION DAY UNDERSTATEMENT: “I think my personal problems affected my ability to get my message out.” - Thomas to the press.
HOW PATRICIA REALLY FEELS ABOUT KATHRYN: “Well, everyone warned Thomas. She’s a scandal. A shameless strumpet.”