Just when you think life is slowly creeping back to normal, along comes the news.
As I often say, you can’t make this up:
• Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla., of COURSE Florida) is under investigation for sex trafficking and having sex with a 17-year-old. The congressman also faced allegations last week that he had shown colleagues photos of naked women he claimed to have slept with. Gaetz, who looks like Donny Osmond and Jimmy Swaggert had a baby, strenuously denies the claims.
• Major Biden, the co-First Dog, is biting people at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue — and who can blame him? He’s a German shepherd, a breed famous for protecting their territory and families. So when he sees someone sketchy, chomp! Half of Capitol Hill wishes they could be like Major. He’s been banished to Delaware for re-education, or until someone else needs a nipping.
• Speaking of the Bidens and ruffled feathers, Twitter melted when First Lady Jill Biden was spotted in patterned fishnet stockings at Andrews AFB. The consensus was that, at 69, she shouldn’t dress like an extra in “Pretty Woman.” I’m 60, despise ageism, and am torn: On one hand, she should be able to wear whatever she can button, snap or zip. On the other hand… decorum. She doubled down by pairing the tights with a short pleather (!) skirt and black ankle booties. It came off as A) Way too Forever 21 and B) Next-level tacky. But at least she didn’t wear a jacket emblazoned, “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” when visiting immigrant children at the U.S.-Mexico border. Also, Michelle Obama was criticized for being bare-armed in her official portrait and wearing shorts at the Grand Canyon. To quote Roseanne Roseannadanna, “It’s always something.”
• The family of a 41-year-old California man who died at a taco-eating contest in 2019 is now suing the sponsor. This death is sad, but he entered the contest (at a Fresno Grizzlies game) voluntarily, so why are the organizers being sued? The family says he wasn’t apprised “of the risks and danger associated with the competition,” according to The Fresno Bee. I’ve never entered an eating contest, but it seems like choking is a documented hazard. May he RIP.
• In happier news, City of Spartanburg employees came to the rescue of a runaway pup who tumbled down a storm drain. The Spartanburg Police Department said the puppy, a terrier-mix named Lizzy, was saved on April 6 by employees who removed a manhole and lifted her out. The video is heart-warming; Lizzy’s a lucky pup.
• A Japanese town north of Tokyo adopted a new ordinance requiring escalator passengers to stand still while being transported. No walking up or down is allowed. I’d be arrested within 10 minutes. Unless I’m exhausted, I can’t stand still on an escalator. But according to the Japan Elevator Association, 805 people were injured from walking on escalators in 2018-2019, so what do I know?
• In Anchorage AK, ravens are ripping off Costco customers in brazen daylight parking lot robberies. The cawing thugs have swooped in to snag a steak, ribs, and, in a tag-team effort, mini melons from a mesh bag, According to the Anchorage Daily News, a victim described the birds as “calculating [and] very dedicated.” Now, I love Costco and their giant bags of cashew clusters, macaroni by the quart and Godzilla-sixed rotisserie chickens--but am I going to fight for my food? You darn skippy I am. No creature comes between me and my cashews, y’all. Feathers will fly. "Grabs phone to play Angry Birds."