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Smith Says

SMITH: Note to self, Gorilla Glue not a hair product

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who use Gorilla Glue as a hair product, and those who don’t.

Tessica Brown of Louisiana ran out of her usual hairspray about a month ago — so naturally, OF COURSE, WTH, why not? — she used Gorilla Glue as a substitute. (And when I can’t find the tweezers, I pluck my eyebrows with a switchblade.)

Ms. Brown’s hair — are you ready for this?--has been brick-like ever since. Shock and awe, y’all!

Maybe by now the LA plastic surgeon who offered his skills has figured out how to melt it off. He’s doing it for free, even though Tessica raised $13,000 through crowdsourcing. Which begs the question: Who donates $13,000 to a woman so detached from reality that she sprays INDUSTRIAL GRADE SUPERGLUE in her hair?

According to entertainment site TMZ, Brown hired an attorney and is considering litigation against Gorilla Glue. Because — wait for it — the product label warns against using on eyes, skin or clothing but does not mention hair. She’s 40 and doesn’t know Gorilla Glue as a styling tool is a bad idea?

We all know a company can’t be held liable for deliberate misuse of their products (try gargling bug spray and then suing Raid), but the same people who donated $13,000 may serve on the jury, so never say never.

Gorilla Glue issued a statement (paraphrased): “We’re very sorry to hear about the unfortunate incident that Miss Brown experienced using our Spray Adhesive on her hair. It’s not indicated for use on hair, but we’re glad… she’s received medical treatment and wish her the best.”

Oh, to have been in the room when that statement was written:

“She did what with our what?”

“She superglued her hair.”

“WHY?!?”

“Because she ran out of hairspray.”

“THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!”

There’s a saying in the news world: “You can’t make this stuff up.” Spray adhesive vs. hairspray: What could go wrong?

When it dawned on Ms. Brown that she’d created a concrete garden gnome on her head, she went to the ER. Staff put acetone on the gnome, and it scalded her scalp. So she’s upset about that, too.

This is why we can’t have nice things. Where has personal responsibility gone?

She’s why we have warning labels on blow dryers, mothballs and toasters (“Do not take a bath with your toaster!”) But… the can of paint in our mudroom doesn’t say not to put it in my coffee. My oven likewise lacks a label saying, “Do not dry hair in here.”

So when I drink paint and fry my hair, can I sue?

Part of me can empathize with Ms. Brown. I used Aussie hair spray back in the ‘80s, and sometimes it took Prell or Dawn to get it out. But it was MARKETED FOR HAIR. Gorilla Glue is not. The fact that it’s sold in Home Depot next to screws and nails should be a clue.

I’ve used Gorilla Glue. It does exactly as advertised. Once it bonds, that’s all she wrote. I’ve also accidentally glued my fingers together with Gorilla Glue, and it makes you feel real stupid. (Heck, I’ve kept cars together with Gorilla Glue. That, duct tape and prayer are all you need to get through life.)

Plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Obeng has offered to end Ms. Brown’s sticky situation, using medical-grade glue remover in a procedure that could take three days.

My advice to Miss Brown: Buy a hat, grow it out, cut it off. Lesson learned. Or not.

Julie R. Smith, who ruined her hair with Sun-In but never sued, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.