Just when I think that Bravo’s “Southern Charm” can’t surprise me anymore, I find myself staring at the screen like a deer caught in headlights.
The editors were at it again, but the cast gave them a lot of ammunition to work with.
After the fiasco that was last episode’s polo match, Thomas informs Kathryn that he has no intention of co-signing the lease for her new house, which ultimately puts her in the hospital with only a couple of months left in her pregnancy. She had an overwhelming feeling of defeat and anxiety, which caused her blood pressure to spike, affecting her and the baby.
All ended with no other complications, but Thomas left the hospital after they started arguing. He just wants her to be in a “happy place.”
To keep Kathryn free of distress, he agrees to co-sign the lease. Then he gets all Johnny Cash on it and says he has to “walk the line” until the baby is born. If he can handle prison for six months, he says, he can handle this for two months.
“You have to know it’s not your fault,” JD says. “I put the blame squarely on Jennifer,” Thomas says.
Hold up. Say what?
He then goes on about how Jennifer is an instigator, troublemaker, pot-stirrer, what-have-you.
Enter deer-in-headlights eyeballs here.
Landon’s response to the hospitalization news is downright cringeworthy: “Here we go again ... People go to the hospital every day. Calm the (expletive) down ... I doubt she almost died.”
She says she’s “bored” of Kathryn’s “disgusting” manipulation of everyone and then calls her a psychopath.
“Thanks for calling, talk to you later, I’m going to the spa,” she says in diary.
Shep meets Craig at his Gentry office to assist him with getting his application out for the bar exam. Yep, that still hasn’t happened.
Craig has gotten his fingerprints done, three character affidavits and a photo to attach to the application.
“Do I use a glue stick? Or velcro?”
He looks sincere. Which worries me. Once he succumbs to the glue stick, at Shep’s urging, he’s ready to get to the “mailing center” for overnight delivery.
“Mailing center?” Shep says. “Who says that? What are you, from Canada?”
No, Shep. Delaware. He’s from Delaware.
Cam and Danni have lunch with one of Cameran’s friends who declines a glass of wine and pregnancy talk arises.
Cameran admits that she’s trying every month NOT to get pregnant. She doesn’t feel equipped to have a child and although people may think she’s got it all together, she’s afraid that she’ll screw it up.
She admits she also suffers from anxiety and has considered seeing a therapist to see if her indecision on motherhood is rooted in her fear. She’s worried that she’ll have postpartum depression.
To which her friend casually advises “just eat your placenta.”
I know that mammals of the four-legged variety are known to eat their afterbirth, but I didn’t realize that this was actually a thing for human mothers. Unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow or whatever.
Patricia is going all-out for this party. Pink everywhere. Flamingos everywhere. And a fortune teller. Because flamingos and fortune tellers are two peas in a pod, I guess.
Everyone is drinking. Shep strips to his Speedo undies and jumps in the pool. Cameran laughs herself flat on her back in the bushes.
Cooper Ray pulls Patricia aside: he’s felt the cold shoulder from her (because of his budding friendship with Kathryn), she denies it, she’s just been “otherwise engaged.” They seem to be fine, but then there’s Patricia’s diary session: she finds his gossiping “unattractive” and “low-rent” and then calls him “the poor man’s Truman Capote.”
For those unfamiliar, Capote fell from the graces of Manhattan high-society (a la Gloria Vanderbilt) when he exposed all of their secrets to Esquire magazine.
Craig asks Thomas about the hospital scare and Thomas flips his lid when he hears that Jennifer told Craig that he wasn’t at the hospital. Then Jennifer arrives. Walking right into the lion’s den.
Landon instigates Thomas and he pulls Jennifer aside. He’s livid and blames her for everything that upsets Kathryn.
What’s the common denominator for all of those situations? You are. No, YOU are. It’s your fault. No, it’s YOUR fault. I’m going to stomp off now. No, I’M going to stomp off now.
But then Jennifer calls Kathryn. From the party. Perhaps not the wisest choice.
And the show ends with Thomas: “I can take a lot of things. Prison. Political embarrassment. False public allegations. But DO NOT mess with my family.” And scene.
NEXT WEEK: Landon throws Shep a birthday party, but despite Shep’s request, Kathryn’s invitation appears to have been lost in the mail. Craig and Naomi think there was more to Kathryn and Whitney’s relationship than a one-night stand. Danni advises Kathryn to extend an olive branch to the group and to Cameran’s confusion, Kathryn invites her to lunch.
SHEP’S POSITION ON CRAIG’S “BOURBON SIDE PROJECT” MANAGEMENT SKILLS:
“I know nothing about the bourbon business. Do you?” — Shep
“We have enough experience drinking it.” — Craig
“That’s akin to him saying, ‘I’ve driven a car, so I can run Chevy.’ Its absurd.” — Shep in diary. With an eyeroll.
BIGGEST JAB WITHOUT USING A CURSE WORD: “There are 144 flamingo babies in the pool. People will think Thomas Ravenel had been there.” — Patricia on the party’s decorations.
BIGGEST INSINUATION THAT MAY AS WELL BE ON A BILLBOARD: “She’s a great girl. She can help you with interior decorating. And she has some other skills, as well, which you may discover if you get to know her on a more intimate level.” — Thomas to a friend about Landon.
WORST ATTEMPT AT COVERING UP THAT INSINUATION: “Yeah, we’re just friends,” with a Cheshire cat grin and a goofy laugh — Thomas in diary about Landon.
WHITNEY’S TAKE ON THOMAS’ FLIRTING: “Watching Thomas break the ice is like the horny, drunk uncle trying to impress someone. It just doesn’t work.” — After Thomas uses the “I’m a junior” joke again to a collegiate Miss USA contestant ... AFTER he asks her if Miss USA is the one where you don’t have to have a talent, but rather just look hot in a bathing suit.
BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE EPISODE: “This river is full. We don’t need the dam to break.” — JD about Thomas and Kathryn having enough problems without adding Jennifer into the equation.