We had a "blood moon" last night, which may or may not be a sign of the End Times, but since Monday's episode of "Southern Charm" was the penultimate one of the season, and possibly forever, we may not need to stockpile those canned goods just yet. At least not until T-Rav runs for Senate.
If you were busy wrapping up your taxes, you missed a little more of the same on the show: contrived situations mixed with booze.
The episode begins where the previous one left off at T-Rav's "life advice" dinner party: Whitney has left, Craig has left and Kathryn storms out after her "believe what you want, lose what you want" speech to T-Rav. Which would have been perfect, except that when she realized her car got towed, she had to come back inside.
Dramatic exit fail. That's worse than thinking of the best comeback to someone two days after you needed it.
With JD and the canoodling Shep and Danni as witnesses, T-Rav apologizes for not standing up for Kathryn, claiming he was too "stunned" at Craig's accusations about her being with three men (out of five) at the table. Of course, he neglects to apologize for going on and on about his love for an ex-girlfriend while Kathryn likely pushed food around her plate. Typical.
Craig and Shep meet the next day at Charleston Beer Works to process the previous night's drama. Shep doesn't feel sorry for Kathryn. After all, he's only been with two people at the table. "She clipped me by one," he says. And Craig, of course, doesn't feel bad for letting the cat out of the bag. He compares it to telling people that they have food in their teeth - they'll thank you for it.
Right, because a woman's reputation is so comparable to a piece of spinach stuck in some dental work.
They confirm that Whitney and Kathryn had been together, in the only way they know how, by assuming, because someone said that someone saw them leave Republic together. It then becomes a Kathryn-bashing session, with both commenting on how they don't really get her relationship with T-Rav and Craig asserting that she has "ulterior motives" and that "she's locked-in Thomas." They also say that Kathryn just wants to be a part of their "inner circle." Sure, because they're like the Skull and Bones.
The next day, T-Rav and Kathryn also have to rehash the dinner party drama. Because that's what reality shows do: put you in a situation which is bound to be a disaster, and then make you talk about how surprised you are about what a disaster it was. T-Rav wants to go on a "walkie talkie" with Kathryn, so he makes screwdrivers for them for their stroll down to the Battery, despite open container being illegal here.
Kathryn goes into denial mode about Whitney and how she felt "attacked by Craig." She tells him she's with him because she wants to be with him and in his diary session, T-Rav admits to caring deeply for her.
Side note: he mentions that the dinner party "devolved." In my concern with that not being a real word, I found humor in the dictionary referring to the word as "archaic" and "obsolete." And yes, I am putting T-Rav and archaic in the same sentence.
The time comes for Cameran and Whitney to discuss the "life advice" party. When Cameran asks him what Craig meant about the "three people" comment, Whitney, in an attempt to be subtle and casual, breaks out with the most obvious body language eyebrow raise ever. Pure awesomeness.
Next, Kathryn invites T-Rav for dinner at her family's plantation in Moncks Corner. Yes, dinner with her mother, grandmother and father. What's more natural than inviting your boyfriend over to a family dinner, when he's not that much younger than your father and you recently had a pregnancy scare?
Dinner is at 6 p.m., so when T-Rav assumes that they will get there at 5 p.m. for drinks, he's surprised to learn that Kathryn's family doesn't drink. There's no alcohol because her great-grandfather was assassinated over alcohol.
T-Rav, making a fair guess, asks if he was a rum runner. In all seriousness, Kathryn says, "No. He was a senator." A senator who got killed by "Al Capone's little people." True story. It happened right in the middle of the sidewalk when he was buying a watermelon.
After dinner, Kathryn's father wants "to speak to Thomas for just a minute." They then enter a room where a portrait of the deceased family patriarch looms over T-Rav. Well, played, Dad. Ridiculously intimidating, as you question your peer as to what he's got going on with your daughter.
Dad does the "I'm just curious" and "my daughter and I are real close" routines. T-Rav, again in need of a thesaurus, talks about Kathryn as an "old soul" and how he is impressed by her "poise" and "confidence." Dad seems to be okay with all of this, because Kathryn "always got along better with the older crowd." Well, I guess that's one way to put it.
The fellahs then head to Shep's family's farm in Boykin, S.C. The plan is to hunt a pig, kill it and serve it for dinner with the ladies. The Boykin land has been in the family since the 1700s, with the renovated cabin dating back to the 1800s, and it is indeed outstanding.
When deciding where everyone will sleep, Shep asks T-Rav if he wants the top or the bottom bunk. Whitney, always taking an opportunity to tease, said that "Thomas was always on the bottom in prison." And T-Rav, always seeming to miss the joke, retorts by casually mentioning that he actually had the third bunk. Sigh.
JD and Craig arrive with beer and Gatorade, and to T-Rav's dismay, Wal-mart wine. Don't knock it until you try it, dude. Trust me when I say it's better than gas station wine.
They discuss the hunting plan for the next day. But wait, T-Rav has a past felony conviction. He'll go back to prison if he uses a firearm, so they agree that he can just sleep in. Lastly, Shep enlightens them all on wild pig social dynamics: "boars roam in packs, looking for women." That sounds oddly familiar.
They rise-and-shine at the crack of dawn since, according to Shep, "a pig waits for no man." It's time to grab the four-wheelers, the guns, the knives and the dogs and get to gettin' dinner. Shep, of course, is in his element decked out in his camo and introduces them to their wild hog tracker - his dad's cousin, the "hunt master." Whitney says he's "never seen Shep this respectful before. It's interesting."
Break to Cameran, Jenna, Danni and Kathryn and their drive to join the men at the farm for dinner. Ultimately, Cameran thinks that Kathryn has created a fantasy with T-Rav. Kathryn wants to have a baby and seems confident that she and T-Rav will end up getting married. And even though Kathryn is "beautiful and has lots of eggs and men can smell that," Cameran advises her to get on birth control.
The ladies arrive, with Cameran hollering out, "The estrogen is here to ruin the party!" T-Rav responds to the men, "They look hot." Whitney is clearly uncomfortable being there with Kathryn, claiming that they tolerate each other and are polite to each other. In his diary session, he says that "she's poison for Thomas' political career. She's just poison, period."
T-Rav and Kathryn pair off for an ego-stroking session. He says that she has her own money, she doesn't need him. But she says she wants him and he makes her happy. He says he couldn't sleep the night before because she wasn't there. Then they head in for night-nights.
But Whitney has another plan. He pulls T-Rav aside because he wants to come clean and he wants to be honest. He admits to previously hooking up with Kathryn "in a moment of weakness."
Enter closing credits here.
WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU TELL YOUR FRIEND THAT YOUR JOB IS TO WATCH OUT FOR YOUR OTHER FRIEND'S ROMANTIC CHOICES: "Your job is to keep your mouth shut." - Shep to Craig about T-Rav
WHAT WOMEN DON'T WANT TO HEAR MEN SAY ABOUT THEIR DATING M-O: "We don't have feelings, really. We don't get attached." - Craig
REDUNDANCY AWARD: "You need to trust your inner voice because that's your intuition." - T-Rav
THE 'NOT SURE IF PETA WILL GO FOR THIS' AWARD: "I could never kill a pig, but I'll eat it." - Cameran
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER SO THAT IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU'RE REFERENCING BEEF: "She comes from good stock." T-Rav to Mr. Dennis
WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BUDDY SAY ABOUT YOU: "She's a bit of a pill. She brings the energy down." - Whitney about Kathryn
THE 'THIS MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE' AWARD: "I see a pole and I just go crazy." - Whitney to Cameran about a pole in his new house, after he spanks his fanny Beyonce-style
NEXT WEEK: In the season finale, T-Rav confronts Kathryn about the bomb Whitney dropped on him. Whitney's mother, in true form, insults his new place from top to bottom. And then there's a July 4th party with kissing. And crying.