The third episode of Bravo’s “Southern Charm” was like going down the rabbit hole — in the “Alice in Wonderland” sense, not the “Matrix” sense.
Cameran starts the episode describing Kathryn as having “more issues than Vogue magazine,” so, yeah. May as well jump on in ...
Craig is ready for his first day at work as JD’s new project manager (salons, restaurants, hotels), and making a good first impression means shining his shoes and using half the can of hairspray.
He sets up his new office and there’s a big-boy sign by the door with his name on it.
JD runs down the list of things they need to do: pop over to the hotel, check out the construction, meet with the bourbon people.
As Craig furiously takes notes, JD casually mentions that he’ll need to bring a change of clothes, you know, in case they have to knock down a wall. Craig’s eyebrows shoot up. He thought he was going to be working logistics.
It seems Young Delaware may have to be Bob the Builder from time to time. At least his hair will hold up.
On a side note, he purchases a pre-engagement ring for Naomie. A “promise ring,” according to the jeweler. Oh, yes he did.
Apparently Cameran and Shep have been discussing going into business together. All he has to do is reactivate his real estate license. If Cameran is making money hand-over-fist, he says, why shouldn’t he explore that?
Oh, explore that.
Cameran says that Shep can meet a girl and within 10 minutes convince her to go to bed with him, so she thinks that if he can do that he can convince a woman to buy a house. But he won’t be the best with the 8 a.m. showings:
“I only wake up early for surfing, duck hunting, skiing and sex. But I’ll go back to bed after the sex,” he says.
Not sure how lucrative this is going to be, but it should be interesting.
Kathryn visits Thomas to share her plans for a new house for her and the children. She’s already put down a deposit and the first month’s rent. But, she needs a co-signer.
“I think it’s important for you to start building your own credit history,” Dad says. I mean, Thomas says.
She assumed he’d do it because the last time they looked he was going to be co-signing AND paying.
Then comes the “I’m not asking for money for me, it’s for the kids” defense from Kathryn.
Then she starts crying.
Thomas eventually agrees. He knows that he has to keep the peace and avoid arguments with her if he wants to see his children and co-parent. Thomas likes to say “co-parent” a lot, which is indicative that he has no intention of being with Kathryn in any other co-situation.
When Kathryn goes to leave, Thomas asks her if he can give her a hug. Bless his heart.
Landon’s father visits and after striking some balls on the driving range, they discuss her life over a bloody mary.
Landon, not too far out from her divorce, is living alone for the first time and trying to get it all together. She talks of her 50 dreams.
She wants to open a members-only bourbon bar downtown, since there’s nowhere to go because of all of the college kids and retirees. Right. I run into geriatrics all the time on those pub crawls.
She wants to create an online magazine for gentlemen of leisure that talks about travel, sailboats, polo.
“Pick one idea,” her dad says as he scratches his head. “I would never tell you to quit dreaming, but you can’t live off your dreams.”
When she asks him for “investment help,” he still declines, telling her that giving her money isn’t fair.
Patricia was offered a book deal on Southern entertainment because she knows how to throw a great party, she says. The flamingo theme was inspired by a float in her pool. She ordered 12 baby flamingo floats to go with it, but it turned out to be 12 per packet.
All we know is that it’s going to be formally photographed, the party planner has some fancy fabric in mind and there are going to be 144 strategically placed baby flamingos.
And we also know that Kathryn wasn’t invited.
She complains to Thomas and he makes a brown-nosing trip to Patricia’s, but she’s not having it and flat out refuses. She can’t take the chance of one of Kathryn’s “volcanic explosions” in front of her friends.
Thomas invites Kathryn and Kensie to Brookland Plantation in Aiken for one of his polo matches, with a plan to make a weekend out of it.
Letting Thomas see his daughter is a way to ensure he will co-sign her lease. Kathryn thinks it’s going to be a “family day,” so she invites Jennifer. And the nanny is there.
When they pull up, Kathryn sees JD and Elizabeth and the meltdown begins.
Though they are Kensie’s godparents, there has been a falling out. She’s not even remotely polite to JD and Elizabeth when they walk up -— half-hugs all around.
She goes into the port-a-potty, but it’s like some crazy Kafka-esque metamorphosis goes on in there. She comes out, sees Elizabeth putting Kensie’s shoe back on and loses her mind. She starts pacing around, muttering, sputtering, flailing her arms, crying. She has the nanny pack Kensie up to take her home and she and Jennifer leave.
The polo match is over and Thomas starts searching around, “Where’s Kensie? Where’s my baby?”
Then HE starts to lose it and begins to plan his consequences: “She wants desperately to move out of her parents’ house, and I’m going to take that away from her because she took my child away from me.”
NEXT WEEK: Craig (finally) applies to take the bar exam; Kathryn is admitted to the hospital, which may make Thomas change his tune; and Jennifer may or may not get kicked out of the Flamingo Party.
HOW WE CAN BE PRETTY SURE THAT PATRICIA HAS NO PLANS TO FRIEND-UP KATHRYN: “As far as I’m concerned, she doesn’t exist for me.”
BIGGEST BURN OF THE EPISODE: “A lot of Southern women understand social etiquette, good manners, good breeding. But with Kathryn, those are not her strengths.” — Thomas
BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE EPISODE: “She was unhappy with the atmosphere.” — Elizabeth to Thomas as to why Kathryn may have left the polo match.
MY NEW FAVORITE METAPHOR FOR LIFE: “You’re letting the ball get in the way of your swing,” — Landon’s dad to Landon at the driving range when she asks why she misses everything.