Going into last night’s episode of Bravo’s “Southern Charm,” I was secretly hoping there would be another situation to beat out “periwinkle” in terms of breaking the Internet. Alas, our Charleston socialites delivered.
And they delivered yuge. Yes, yuge. Not a typo.
Cameran considers herself a modern Southern woman, but to uphold some aspects of being traditional, she decides to have a dinner party. “A domestication dry run” for herself, she says.
Since she openly admits that she has no idea what she’s doing, she goes to Patricia for help. Cameran says she was thinking about doing something in a Crock-Pot. After Patricia sucks all the air out of the room, she suggests that Cameran enlist the help of Suzanne Pollak from the Academy of Domestic Pursuits — the same “domestic godmother” that Kathryn asked for help with cooking.
“But I want everyone to think I did it,” Cameran pleads.
“Nobody’s going to think that you did it,” Patricia quips.
Cameran meets Suzanne at Ted’s Butcherblock to get the necessary items: “a big hunk of meat,” coarse salt — since Cameran only has “peasant salt” — and cheese crisps, which to Cameran’s surprise already have cheese in them.
When Suzanne goes to the house to assist with the preparation, she’s aghast that Cameran pulls her sauce pan out of the original box. It was a gift. From her wedding. Almost two years ago.
When the oven timer dings and Cameran checks the meat thermometer: “Crap, I think I overcooked it,” she says.
Patricia arrives early to help with the finishing touches, like place cards for the table. Cameran doesn’t have any, of course, so Patricia casually strolls over and pulls some out of her purse. Brilliant.
When dinner is served, Patricia is supposed to get the well-done end piece, but Danni accidentally takes it. So Cameran just stabs it with a fork off Danni’s plate and reaches across the table to plop it on Patricia’s plate. I watched in horror. As for my mother, I think she was wondering why there weren’t any doilies.
All the main players are there, except for Thomas and Kathryn. They weren’t invited, which sets off a string of events that take up half the episode.
Craig is the “Kathryn crusader” and tries to offer an olive branch. He asks that they give her a second chance because she wants to make amends, but he is lambasted on all sides.
“Shep-istotle” pipes up in diary: “What does Craig hope to do here? Change the hearts and minds of everybody over prime rib?”
You may recall Thomas’ foray into learning French in Season 1. Has he learned anything? Well, um.
He tends to use French words or phrases in diary sessions, and they are pertinent and well-executed, i.e., his daughter Kensie is his “raison d’être.” No, not his “raisin daughter,” but rather the most important thing to him. She makes him strive to do the right thing, he says.
But there are moments where he sounds like Inspector Clouseau with a hairball. He invites Patricia and Whitney to dine with him at Annie’s Bistro, and Whitney suspects that Thomas will “speak his fluent French with the waiters,” which he does.
He is drinking “bor-DOH” and orders “es-car-GOH” and decides on the “DOOK” for his entree. That’s supposed to be “duq” for duck. But that’s not how you say “duck” in French. I don’t even think that “duq” is a word at all. I probably would have done the same thing. Like when people try to make words Spanish by adding “-o” or “-io” to the end of them.
HOW WHITNEY DESCRIBES THOMAS’ FRENCH: “Pepe Le Pew French” — “it’s like Thomas spent three weeks in Paris and learned his French from Rosetta Stone.”
Shep meets Craig at The Royal American for drinks and Landon and Robyn meet them there. Shep “may have” also invited Bailey. He has invited two women he’s seeing to the same place at the same time. I’d say rookie mistake, but we learned last week that Shep’s not much of a rookie when it comes to the ladies.
“My cup runneth over,” Shep says. “I’m a social animal. I mean, there’s just no denying it.”
Landon refers to him as some type of animal, alright. “He’s like a golden retriever,” she says. “Another ball flies by, he’s going to chase that one.”
Nutshell: Shep pretty much puts his back to Robyn and Bailey gets the attention. And the shots.
OTHER TIDBITS: Landon is off the boat, in a house and trying to find something to do that’s not a “mundane job.” Kathryn is looking for a “starter home” in I’On. Craig goes into a partnership with JD and Gentry Hospitality Group, where he will work while he studies to take the bar exam. No, he still hasn’t taken it.
PATRICIA’S THOUGHTS ON MODERN DATING: “There’s no mystery or romance anymore. Women make themselves so available. You can email somebody an emoji of a glass of wine and they come over, and you have sex, and they go home. I mean, it’s the end of Western civilization as far as I can tell.”
Perhaps this will be the new “Netflix and chill.”
PROOF THAT CAMERAN IS MORE IN-TUNE WITH THE EVERYWOMAN: Racing to answer the door, her high heel gets stuck in the rug and she almost takes a knee. Heck, that happens to me all the time. In flip flops.
HOW YOU KNOW YOUR DINNER HOSTEST MAY NOT BE ONE WITH THE MOSTEST: “She says I’m supposed to carve it, but I don’t know what that means,” — Cameran to Patricia about the meat.
JENNIFER’S SUGGESTION TO KATHRYN RE: THE INVITATION TO PATRICIA’S FLAMINGO PARTY: “Maybe check your spam folder.”
MY NEW FAVORITE WORD: “Dinky” — Patricia’s word to describe the particularly small male member of Lionel The Hedgehog.
BIGGEST BOMBSHELL TO GET GLOSSED OVER: Jennifer admits that she DID hook up with Thomas, despite previously denying it to Kathryn. Kathryn forgives her because she believes that Thomas told Jennifer he wasn’t seeing her. She thinks Jennifer understands what it’s like to be manipulated by him and no one else really does.
NEXT WEEK: Landon gets a talking-to from whom I assume is her father. Thomas sits down with Patricia to discuss how Kathryn feels about not being invited to what I assume is the Flamingo Party. We get a closer look at JD and Craig’s new business partnership. A “family day” is actually a big polo party, Kathryn gets livid and may or may not just drive off with Kensie and leave Thomas in the dust.