Which side is Graham really on?

Lindsey, you still don't get it.

You think you can waltz into town, talk about spending federal money out one side of your mouth and then try to appease the tea party out of the other side?

Folks are smart, Sen. Graham. They can see through your duplicity.

They know you aren't really a conservative.

So what if you led the impeachment hearings against President Clinton -- that was, like, a century ago. And so what if you tried to get Sarah Palin elected president-in-waiting. That's so 2008.

How dare you try to spend tax dollars on dredging Charleston harbor when there is a deficit. You even want to use an earmark to do it.

Silly congressman, earmarks are for socialists.

The real conservative move would be to follow Sen. Jim DeMint's lead, and just let the harbor dry up. Let the port jobs move on down to Savannah; let BMW go to Brunswick. A real conservative wouldn't spend any tax dollars on anything.

Other than Social Security.

Or Medicare.

Or tax cuts for folks making more than $250,000 a year. You know, real taxpayers.

It's so simplistic. Why can't you understand?

Who you gonna trust?

Apparently, Lindsey, you are tired of being censured by county Republican Parties. Maybe it embarrasses you back in Washington.

Well, you should be embarrassed. What kind of true conservative would argue with a guy who suggests John Kerry wasn't in Vietnam?

It doesn't matter what the U.S. military says (in this instance), anonymous Republican donors with enough money for a TV commercial said Kerry's service record is a lie. Now, who are you going to believe?

And how dare you try to correct anyone who calls Obama a Muslim?

Everyone knows the White House lies. The only real truth out there is spoken by charismatic television personalities with extensive backgrounds as FM radio personalities.

At least you got one thing right, Sen. Grahamnesty. You didn't go crawling to some dinky county party -- you went right to the top of the conservative power base. You chose to meet with the tea party, even if you did lie about it to the lamestream media.

Members of the tea party are too shy to be filmed yelling at a politician -- that's a good one.

All your fault

What you don't get, Lindsey, is that there's a war going on out there -- and not just the one nobody supports anymore because there's a Democrat in the White House.

No, it's a culture war, an attack on American values that happens every time independent voters decide to act, well, independent. You'd know about it if you watched cable news, like all true patriots.

There's a big election coming up, and you aren't doing much to help the revolution. Instead of appeasing Democrats, you should work to get them voted out of office, and help make Barack Hussein Obama the next Jimmy Carter. Then the economy will magically turn around and the country's soul will be saved.

And if it doesn't, well, the tea party will know it's all because of people like you.

Read additional columns by Brian Hicks