Names for women not always taken lightly

Candice Selander is a woman. Don't even think about calling her "girl."

"It has a psychological implication that you are young and therefore inexperienced, immature and not able to hold responsibility, have any wisdom, experience or knowledge," said Selander of Charleston. "We're women and we should be proud of it, just like boys are proud to become men."

Veronica Noltemeyer, on the other hand, said she doesn't at all mind being called "girl."

"It makes me feel younger," the Summerville businesswoman said.

Girls, ladies, chicks. Honey, baby, sugar, darlin'. The words used to describe females are as varied as Lowcountry women's reactions to them.

Whether or not you bristle at such words, you're still affected by them, said Cynthia Boiter of the women's and gender studies program at the University of South Carolina.

In fact, she said, they're detrimental to our sex.

"Language creates the society that we live in just as much as society creates the language," said the adjunct instructor and the editor of undefined magazine. "If we continue to speak from positions of inequality, if we continue to practice communication in an unequal manner, then we continue to perpetuate a society in which men and women aren't viewed equally."

Men often think they're flattering a woman by addressing her as "girl," Boiter said. But the word is a diminutive. It conveys a smallness. It assumes the lack of character and experience that grown female adults have to offer, and diminishes a woman's contributions, she said.

Terms like "sugar" and "dear" convey an intimacy and familiarity -- things that are usually gained, Boiter said.

A stranger using such words is invasive and judgmental; it comes from a position of being able to judge whether you want to be on close terms with someone, she said.

Selander detests such intimate terms. She called out at least one co-worker at a previous job who called her "honey."

"I'd say, 'Excuse me. That is an exceedingly foul insult. Honey is actually bee (feces).' "

Boiter would like all women to speak up, practicing a "don't-call-me-honey philosophy." At the same time, she recognizes that doing so could allow language to be used against you again: If a man spoke up about being called "honey" or "sweetie," it would be viewed as a sign of integrity or being in control of his destiny, Boiter said.

"If a woman speaks up and says 'Please don't call me honey,' she's just as likely to be called a bitch. It can be a no-win situation, but that's no reason not to stand up to it."

Local etiquette expert Lizz Akerman said strangers and co-workers using terms of endearment is inappropriate and patronizing.

She cringes when it happens to her.

"It's 2010. The terms have a demeaning connotation and there really is no room for that in a society that has progressed as much as ours," said the owner of Southern Protocol.

Her advice for handling such situations depends on how likely you are to see the person again.

If it's someone you probably won't run into in the future, she suggests letting it go. Move forward knowing that you will not refer to or demean another person that way, she said. "Life's too short."

If it's a co-worker or casual friend who consistently addresses you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, "You should absolutely call them out -- politely," Akerman said.

She suggests saying something like, "Tom, I do need you to fix my computer but my name is Mrs. Smith, not Honey. Thanks. I just wanted to clear that up." Don't start the encounter with "I don't want to make a big deal out of this ..." because that tends to make people defensive.

Boiter's advice to those who aren't comfortable with the words used to describe them?

"Don't be fearful. You have a right to define yourself," she said. "The worst thing that happens for anyone -- whether you're a woman or a man or a minority or gay or whatever -- is when you let other people define who you are."

What do you think? Sign in below to post your comments about language used to address women, or e-mail your thoughts to moxie@postandcourier.com. We'll run a roundup of comments in next week's issue.

Reach Kristen Hankla at khankla@postandcourier.com.