Handling emotional employees

Author Peter Frost says in "Toxic Emotions at Work," "I think that managers can proceed quite confidently with the assumption that there is always grief somewhere in the workroom." Employees are a package deal - bringing both their talents and their feelings with them to work each day, so it's only natural that getting the right mix of empathy, sympathy, compassion and tough love takes some practice if you're the boss. Listen to what this boss has to say:

"I don't know what's wrong with Tammy's performance. Every time I try to tell her what she needs to do better, she cries."

"What do you do when she cries?"

"I feel so bad that I've made her cry that I try to console her."

"How do you do that?"

"I say things like 'Now, now, calm down. It's not that bad. Things will be OK.'"

"After she stops crying, then what happens?"

"Usually we've used up our scheduled time so she goes back to work."

"So when do you talk to her about what job performance improvements she must make?"

"Well, now that you mention it, we've never really gotten that far."

Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation where your sympathy pulled you right into the matter almost as if you were an active participant instead of the boss? If so, there are some nuggets from Goldilocks' story that can help you get the right balance of compassion and empathy to help employees (and others) maximize their strengths. Effective handling of these situations requires that you not be too hard or too soft, but just right.

Too hard. "Enough blubbering, we've got serious business to discuss." Coming across as cold-hearted, aloof or unfeeling to an employee's plight lands you squarely in the bad boss corner. Dismissing, making light of, mocking and/or ignoring an employee's emotional reaction sends the message -- whether intended or not -- that you don't care. Taking this hard, uncaring approach doesn't solve the problem, and in fact creates a whole new set of issues.

Too soft. "Oh, you poor thing, tell me all about it." When you start feeling their pain and allow their emotions to become your emotions, you're in trouble. You end up like the manager in the above story who never deals with the situation. And while it's always good to ascribe good intentions, you have to hope that you aren't being manipulated. When you fail to assert the correct leadership response, you aren't helping the employee, your organization or yourself.

Just right. "I understand that hearing that you have job performance issues to correct is upsetting you. Take a moment to compose yourself, and then we'll partner to figure what you need to do to get back on track." For those employees who get emotional when you want to talk about their performance, why they aren't getting a raise, etc., you want to feel empathy. Understanding and acknowledging their feelings demonstrates that you have heart and care for their situation. Allow adequate time for them to express their emotions, then gently and tactfully steer the conversation back to the issue(s) that prompted the meeting. By dealing with the situation in a compassionate yet composed and straightforward manner, you serve the best interests of the employee and your organization.

As reported by the Behavioral Coaching Institute, "Research shows that by acquiring emotional management skills and techniques managers and leaders can more readily create positive and productive results in every aspect of their lives." So take Goldilocks' lead and get it just right!

Jane Perdue, consultant, coach, speaker and author, is the CEO of The Braithewaite Group.The Job Coaches are experienced volunteers from the Center for Women's Job Counseling Program. Ask them a question by calling 763-7333 or e-mailing info@c4women.org. If you would like further assistance, make an appointment; a donation of $10 is requested for appointments.