The 20 funniest things ever written ... In 2009 ... By Bryce .. According to Bryce ... Don't worry he's really impartial

People often ask me, "Bryce, how did you get so funny?"

(Forget for a moment that those people typically are related to me.)(And being sarcastic.)

The answer is simple: God blessed me with a talent. By which I mean he placed me in a forum where 93 percent of the content is about death or murder, thus making me look like Jerry Seinfeld in comparison.

But be that as it may, I make no apologies for being the marginally attractive girl who just so happens to be standing next to the really unattractive girl. That's the royal flush life dealt me and I'm not ashamed of it.

So what better way to embrace my awesomeness than by taking a few (nonrefundable) minutes of your time to help pat me on the back as we reflect on all the hilarious things I said in 2009.

Things like ...

• One of the best parts about this job is the relationships I've been able to form with some of my readers over the years. Naturally, I do this via the most intimate way possible: e-mail.
• On Saturday, I completed my first marathon. And though my body feels as if it has been repeatedly run over by an 18-wheeler, after completing the grueling 26.2-mile race, I can honestly say it was not the least bit worth it.
• I once made my first hole-in-one and got my driver's license in the same week. Throw in a bathtub sitting in a field and you've got yourself a Cialis commercial.
• As far as inventions go, I think high-definition television is right up there with caller ID and draft beer. Especially if you have Cinemax.
• When my wife got me a six-week triathlon training program for my birthday, I was thrilled. That is, until somebody explained to me that the three activities in a triathlon are not backgammon, "Guitar Hero" and judging a bikini contest.
• Once you find a spot you like on the beach, make it yours. Some people do this by putting down a towel, umbrella or chair. I prefer bringing my two-stroke Troy-Bilt gas-powered leaf blower. It's an easy way to make sure that spot you chose is free of loose debris, like all that pesky sand. Just keep in mind this process can take a few hours and typically results in, on average, five to six fist fights.
• Apparently kids these days can get college credit for catching reptiles. (When I was in school the only thing anybody ever caught was a social disease. And colleges didn't tend to offer credit for that.)
• Why don't more people go hiking? The answer is simple: because most people don't have the vast knowledge of the outdoors like I do. And by "vast knowledge of the outdoors," of course I mean "sexy hiking shorts with their name airbrushed on the butt."
• Ask any happily married man the key to a successful marriage and he will tell you, without question, it's earplugs.
• The goatee is a look that says, "Why, hello there ladies, how are y ... Wait, where are you going?"
• You can argue until you're blue in the face about how much cleaner utensils get when put in the dishwasher pointy-side up, but I'm going to be completely honest with you: I'm not paying attention to a word you're saying because I'M IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH A KNIFE IN MY ARM!
• Trust me when I tell you that even if leaves come in cute little bunches of three, do not, under any circumstances, use them as toilet paper.
• Getting an iPhone is easily the second-greatest moment in my life. The first, obviously, is when my wife took my hands in hers, and with tears welling up in her eyes, made me the luckiest guy in the world when she said, "Oh, OK, you can get one."
• The key to getting recognized by employers is to make yourself stand out from the crowd. An easy way to achieve this is to rent a clown outfit and/or talk with a pirate accent. Not only will this leave a lasting impression with your potential employer, it also will make it easier for them to describe you to security.
• Guys, trust me when I tell you that early on you need to establish who's in charge of your household. The sooner you take care of that, the sooner you can get back to watching HGTV while braiding your wife's hair.
• I know this might sound obvious, but when filling out your bracket you should make sure it's an official 2009 NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket. A couple of years ago I spent nearly four hours on one before realizing I actually was filling out a schematic diagram for a 225-watt car stereo amplifier.
• When gambling in Las Vegas, you always should make sure you understand the point of each game before playing. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a really awkward situation like I did at the craps table.
• My grandfather always advocated cutting coupons. Just keep in mind, he also used to tell the cat to quit barking.
• Always read the fine print carefully when taking out a loan. Why? Well, because it's generally smaller than the large print.

See? Aren't I hilarious?

No? Eh, maybe you need to read a few more murder stories then.

Stay tuned next week when Bryce Donovan rates his top 20 parking jobs of 2009. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.