What to expect (from annoying parents) when you're expecting

The first thing people usually say when you tell them you're pregnant is, "Congratulations!"

Although, if they have kids it comes out more like, "CongratulationsOK, here's what you're going to want to do ... "

I'm not kidding. The minute you let other parents know you're having a baby, they immediately want to give advice. And for the most part, it's pretty helpful. If you define "helpful" as "terrifying."

All I've been hearing about is how I'm never going to sleep again and how "me time" is officially over and good luck watching a movie without a singing pastel-colored animal in it for the next 10 years. And I realize it's all probably true. But what I need right now isn't a good adviser; I need a good liar.

Seriously. Can somebody please just tell me what I want to hear for a change? Like, "Everything is going to be just fine," or, "That's OK. I'm sure it'll figure out how to change itself."

I thought we were having a baby, not an air horn that vomits. Speaking of which, why does everybody call them "babies" anyway? Don't they all eventually turn into grown people who make fun of your pants and have you drop them off two blocks from school so you don't embarrass them?

From now on, I am not referring to it as "the baby," I'm calling it "the person." It just so happens our person will go to day care for the first few years of its life. Assuming we can get into one. The waiting lists at these places are so long the kid might actually be able to drive himself there.

And since I'm on the whole nomenclature thing, when our little one gets to be 10 or 11 months and people ask how old he or she is, I'm totally saying, "zero." Not just to be a smart aleck but because I refuse to be Month Guy. You know who I'm talking about. Nobody likes Month Guy. He always takes things too far.

YOU: "Isn't she precious. How old is she?"

MONTH GUY: "416 months."

YOU: (Awkward silence.)

MONTH GUY: "Oh. You mean Tabitha? Sorry. I thought you were talking about my wife."

Another thing I'm not going to do is let any of my friends trick me into getting "practice" by watching their kids. Like I'm dumb enough to fall for the old free baby sitter routine. My feeling is there are certain things in life you don't need any more firsthand experience with than necessary. Getting struck by lightning is one. Taking care of a child is another. I'll skip the trial by fire, thank you very much.

Oh, and another thing, random strangers: Quit touching my wife's belly. Seriously. This isn't a petting zoo. It's her stomach. Don't think that just because it's all cute and round you can just come up and put your grubby little hands on it. If you do, be warned, I'm probably going to do the same thing to you and things are going to get awkward/sexy.

So in summary, I appreciate all the advice parents have given me over the past couple of months, but I think I'm probably just going to ignore it all. Except what my dad told me. He said: "Son, being a parent is the biggest responsibility you'll ever have in your life. But if you do it right, and you do it with love, you'll be rewarded in ways you never dreamed of."

Just kidding. He didn't say that. He's a dentist, not a Hallmark card writer. But I'd be willing to bet that if he was paying attention three months ago when I told him I was going to be a father, he'd have said, "Have fun and enjoy the ride."

And that's some advice I can get behind.

Bryce Donovan probably likes that advice the best because it's actually his own. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.