Ohno! Bryce shares Olympic viewing tips

Much like a presidential election or me brushing my teeth, the Winter Olympics is an event that happens only once every four years. But when it finally does, for two magical weeks, it captures the imagination of every boy, girl, man and woman across the nation. Mainly because all their favorite shows are on hiatus and there's nothing else on TV. But still, it forces us as a nation to come together, swelling with pride as we rally around one unifying interest: Rooting against the French.

Needless to say, this is a full-time job. Which means you're probably going to need a little help when it comes to watching the games this year. That's why I'm going to share with you my handy Winter Olympics viewing tips.

For instance, you should always ...

Know the events.

During the 2010 Winter Games, athletes will compete in a total of 15 disciplines, all with their own small variations. That's a lot of events. So learning which are real and which aren't will prevent you from looking like a moron around your friends.

WRONG: "I sure wish they'd show more ice fishing."

RIGHT: "The skeet shooting on skis is my favorite."

Get to know the athletes.

One of the best ways to get in the spirit of the games is to learn more about the athletes. For example, I have looked at the Sports Illustrated featuring skier Lindsey Vonn at least 200 times. I even read the story once. (Wait. No I didn't.)

Make your environment authentic.

To fully experience what it's like to attend the Winter Games in person, crank down the thermostat to 40, throw on a big jacket and charge your guests $14 for a Coke.

Review your seventh-grade biology.

Trust me, it'll make watching skeleton a lot less complicated. (For example, did you know the human body has 206 bones?) Not to mention it will eliminate awkward conversations like this:

ANNOUNCER: "Coming up next, the women's Super G!"

YOU: "Honey, should the kids be watching this?"

Get patriotic.

Every time America wins a medal, blast the national anthem outside your house. If your neighbors get upset, clearly they're terrorists.

Don't miss the curling.

If you were to combine the best elements of Frisbee, darts and golf rolled into one, you'd still have something more exciting than curling. Nonetheless, the sport that is part air hockey, part housecleaning, probably still will leave you going, "WOW! That was amazing!"

Provided you saw something amazing happen in your living room while curling was on TV.

If in doubt, ask yourself, "What Would Apollo Anton Ohno Do?"

More often than not, growing creepy chin whiskers and putting on a form-fitting ice skating suit won't do a thing to help you solve whatever problem you might have. However, if you're looking for a surefire way to get your neighbor to mace you, well, there you go.

So get the TV ready because this is going to be the best Olympics ever. Now if you'll excuse me, I've still got a lot of reading to do, and this biology book is due back to the library on Friday.

Bryce Donovan is planning on having his own Olympic flame in his front yard. To donate firewood, kerosene or copies of "The Bridges of Madison County" to keep it going strong, reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.